Truly Disappointing

My Self-Imposed Exile Is Over

2006-09-26T16:31:00.000-05:00

ok im back, please hold your applause.

now for an update- got new job, realized i hate new job, realized i want totally different new job. got on meds and went to counselor, im "stable" now. had a brief relationship with a decent nice guy and went through an amicable and no drama breakup. almost bought a house in the boondocks i couldnt really afford but decided not to. contemplated getting a kitty addition to the family but have realized i can barely handle the poo situation without a third furry ass to clean up after. gotten back into avid reading of books, its a good thing. still have generalized wanderlust fever and persistent niggling case of the not satisfieds.

so yes, im working up to updating my resume and looking for a "real" job. my dad is quite pleased about that needless to say. i even got a book to help me out- "I Dont Know What I Want, But I Know Its Not This." the title pretty much sums up my state of mind right now. i changed working environments to a much healthier one but im still not very happy. its totally the job. being a cop is not challenging. literally a monkey could do it. you can only be treated like total shit by the public on a daily basis for so long before it kinda gets old. and ive been doing it for over 4 years. put a fork in me im done. ding! so yes, im contemplating completely dumping my idealism and morals and venturing out into the (gasp!) corporate world to get an "adult" job. it would be nice to wear regular clothes to work for a change and make some bank.

im thinking about looking for jobs involving writing of some kind. i do it well, its what i learned in college and grad school, and i can write the fuck out of anything that needs to be written (thank you oprah's lov-ah, steadman!). that or a paralegal job just cause i have my law degree and the bank is usually good. and i wouldnt mind leaving georgia either. perhaps washington or colorado? and dammit im gonna live downtown wherever i end up and im gonna live somewhere hep just because. but alas that continuing dream of achieving hepness is a topic for another post.

alright, time to read my career self-help book and prepare myself for what i assume will be an atrocious season premier of gilmore girls. ugh, et tu lorelai?

2006-07-24T20:33:00.000-05:00

OK. It is time that I'm thinking about starting my own blog.....AAARRRGGGHH - scary stuff! I started as a squatter on this one, & will keep hanging out, but. 'Tis time. SO.....since I've neverEVER done anything like this at all.....ideas? Help? And believe me, I need help. HTML help, who can help set up, blogger - typepad (?) pros & cons.....anything you have to offer, I'd love to hear!! My e-mail: boockr@peoplepc.com .....thanks so much!!

Just a reminder....

2006-07-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

Go ahead, check it out..... 9 11 Victims Memorial Site

Career Opportunities

2006-07-19T20:30:00.000-05:00

I was over at Hot Tamales, and it reminded me of the job search I'm in the middle of, and a conversation with K.
So you all know I'm not thrilled with my current 'professional circumstances'. I was thinking about it the other day (as usual), trying to decide which way I want to go, what I want to do, and thought "I could get my CDL license & become a truck driver!" Open roads, see the country, something different every day......(no, I wasn't really serious, but I thought it was kinda funny). So I called daughter K to get her reaction. Always fun times - especially when she's not sure if I'm serious or not.
Me: "So K, I've been thinking about the whole job thing, & I really think I should just get my CDL & become a truck driver"
Silence. Really...............long................ silence.
K: "You WHAT? You are NOT. I'D RATHER TELL PEOPLE MY MOTHER IS A CRACK WHORE THAN A TRUCK DRIVER."
And although I'm really not trying to alienate or offend truck drivers OR crack whores, I'm keeping this real. Deal - it's not personal.
SO. We chatted for awhile, & as much as we get along and are willing to work with each other on things, we really couldn't find middle ground between truck drivers and crack whores. We came up with nothing. Shock & surprise, I know!
I've been online and checking the paper tonight, just seeing what's out there, and I think just looking at the salaries (important for a single Grandma who LOVES to spoil the heart squatters) and the availability of jobs, I'm leaning towards brain surgeon. Must call K & see what she'd rather have me do than THAT.

Yes, I Am a Technology Junkie

2006-07-15T14:20:00.000-05:00

so i got up super early today for no reason and went and bought me a new phone. my bastard cat, ness, decided he was gonna chew through my earpiece wire so i needed to replace that. but i decided to get a new phone because as i was paying my verizon bill online i noticed that my free every 2 years was up so i can get a free phone as of a couple days ago. so i dragged my ass to the verizon store and bought myself a fancy new razr. i basically got the razr for free but had to buy the extra pack with the carrier and charger etc. i also got a bluetooth ear thingy. and no i will not be wearing it around in my ear like im fucking uhura from star trek thank you very much. i friggin hate that.

so i spent a while figuring out how to download music ringtones. good times. right now my phone plays the charlies angels theme when it rings. i set it up to play a song from Rent when kt calls and it plays the peoples court theme as a ringback song. ringback is what you hear instead of ringing when you call me. i picked the peoples court cause it fuckin made me laugh every time i listened to it. perhaps its the melodrama of it. when i get a voicemail it plays voices carry by til tuesday. love that song. i was thinking of downloading something from fiddler on the roof for when my jewish friend calls. good fucking times yo! lol!

so yeah i have left the cell phone dark ages now. go me! who knew phones could be so much fun?

A good laugh.....

2006-07-15T00:15:00.000-05:00

Ready to laugh out loud? Snort & spit whatever you're drinking? I was surfing tonight (me with no life), and saw this somewhere - I have no idea where. Read it. Guaranteed laughter. Really.
Booty Flies

Tape Recorders at work?

2006-07-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

Seriously, you'd think that whoever wrote this (I got it as an e-mail again today) was at my office. Funny thing? Last time I got it, I forwarded it to my friends at our corporate office, & they just KNEW it was me saying this stuff. And they understood.

SWEARING AT WORK POLICY

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner, a__hole?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm not on
salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you God?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You For Your Consideration,
Human Resources

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs.

2006-07-13T20:50:00.000-05:00

Got this from Mom,Ma'am,Me. You can make your own here.... http://www.warninglabelgenerator.com/
This one's for me:

This one's my "boss":

We Apparently Have A Verdict

2006-07-05T20:18:00.000-05:00

well seems that aunt flo decided to make a visit this afternoon. naturally i did not have a tampon near so i had to make do for a little while. im so putting some tampons in the bathroom at the precinct from now on. so yes i am not with child. which is probably a good thing! lol! and this means that i can give garrett the big middle finger. i hope something explodes near you in iraq and your snatch gets blown off. and yes, lesson learned. ok, many lessons learned here.

and yeah despite the fact that the world is a boy buffet im feelin very dissatisfied with the choices out there right now. im just not vibing with anything on the menu. sadly theres a couple really cute guys at work, but alas they are either married or engaged. tis a pity. but of course i dont need that kind of drama at a new place anyways so its a good thing. though there is one who is single and hes in a different unit. oh well, i got more stuff to worry bout in the next few weeks anyways. lol!

but speaking of work its going well. so far i havent felt my soul being sucked out of my body so thats a good thing. i generally laugh quite a bit lately at work. theyve got me moving to evening hours in dispatch the next two days so maybe i wont be so tired. and i managed to show proficiency with my firearm and shotgun so thats a good thing. hopefully things will keep rolling in a good way.

in other news, kt and i are speaking again. i finally got tired of it and called her and she actually answered. of course there was no mention of the hiatus and thats just fine. this is typical of our relationship, we have a period of seperation and then we come back together like nothing was wrong. no worries. i do need to figure out a bday present for her to make up for the last few bdays and xmases. yeah im bad about that kind of thing but i always end up sending something pretty good eventually. lol! she has in fact requested a lawn boy that can fan her and do needed chores around the house. funny enough, i could probably find somebody down in norcross, some poor mexican dude lookin for a job. maybe not quite what she was lookin for. lol! the search continues.

anyways, thats bout it lately. course im still havin sleep issues. we shall see how it goes tonight since i dont have to be up until late. fingers are crossed. and btw, i looked great in my new uniform. go me!

Babies and phones....

2006-07-04T21:26:00.000-05:00

I've read it before, & can't remember which blog it was, but babies LOVE phones. And remotes. Not fake ones, but real ones. They know the difference. So I had to laugh a couple weeks ago when daughter K called and said heart squatter # 2 (now a year old) had gotten ahold of her cell phone while she was in the shower. HS #2 had pushed whatever number necessary (redial, hit send twice, whatever) & called my dad, her great grandpa. He answered, heard nothing......saw the caller ID (which is HUGE for my new millenium-challenged dad)...saw is was daughter K's number. No one talking? She must be in trouble! RUN LASSIE RUN, SHE'S IN THE WELL!! He dropped EVERYTHING, drove (going 9-0 I'm sure) the 10-ish miles out in the country to her house. Found her & HS #2 happily going about their day.......and after talking, thinking, etc.....figured that HS#2 had called him while K was in the shower. FUNNY. They got a good laugh. And he breathed again.

So K called a bit ago, we had a good talk - they are in town getting ready to watch the fireworks. Her M-I-L is in town, so she was with a bunch of people. We hung up......after a bit, my phone rang. My phone battery is going AWOL, so I didn't get a number showing up. BUT, I heard this little voice saying "hiiiiiiiiiiii". "hiiiiiii". I know this is HS#2's latest fun word we've been practicing, & it's about the only word spoken when we "talk" on the phone that doesn't sound Russian. So I laugh. And talk. She doesn't hear me - most of the phone is probably in her mouth. We are soon disconnected. I wait awhile, and call K's cell. Yes, it was HS#2, calling "Gamma Titty". The fun has begun. Thank GOODNESS she had already played this trick on my dad, and I had just talked to K - I knew all was OK, and I could laugh.

And just for the record? Build A Bear workshops have cells for the bears......I bought one for HS#2 - she thinks this one is REAL close to Mom's...

Vagina Vegas

2006-07-04T17:29:00.000-05:00

well period watch 2006 continues. no sign yet but i did purchase a lovely three pack of the ept test and so far it says negativo. i figure ill wait a few more days and roll the dice again. im split about the whole thing. part of me wants yes because i think it could be a cool situation and part of me wants no because garrett has gone and disappeared again and i just dont need the drama. cutting bait is the plan if its negative. go off to iraq and get blown up or whatever yo, aint my probs.

as for the new job, its going well. im getting along with everyone. ive been learning dispatch for the last few days and its fairly fun. im doin ok on it. tomorrow i shoot with my new gun and holster. i like the new holster a lot. hopefully that will go well. next week i go out on the road. good times. stressful, but good. so yeah, so far its been a good time. i need to go and put my new uniform together and make sure i got everything and all that jazz. should be interesting to see myself in a whole new getup. good times yo. ill keep yas updated.

other than that, ive just been tryin to chill yo. i still keep having trouble staying asleep especially later in the morning hours. totally blows. i had some kind of wacko dream too but i cant remember. ive even been using the prescription sleepy pills my psychiatrist gave me but they arent keeping my asleep. not cool. hopefully that will work itself out eventually.

anyways, happy birthday kt. i owe you like 4 or 5 holidays worth of gifts now. pretty soon itll be a bentley's worth of swag. im so bad about that but i always come through eventually. i got your 6 yo.

anyways, its time to chill the fuck out yo.

Wikipedia Fun

2006-07-03T17:06:00.000-05:00

wow i did the wikipedia thing and apparently many wacky things happened on my birthday. i didnt restrict myself to whatever number i was supposed to cause theres just too many. lol!

1889 - President Grover Cleveland signs a bill admitting North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana and Washington as U.S. states. (for all of yall north dakotans...)

1915 - Germany institutes unrestricted submarine warfare. (hell yeah bitches, dont piss off the fatherland!)

1920 - In Emeryville, California, the first dog race track to employ an imitation rabbit opens. (peta friendly!)

1949 - Grady the Cow, a 1,200-pound cow gets stuck inside a silo on a farm in Yukon, Oklahoma and garners national media attention. (this ones for you, ness)

1969 - Barbara Jo Rubin wins a United States thoroughbred horse race making history as the first woman to do so.

1980 - The United States ice hockey team defeats the Soviet Union team at the 1980 Winter Olympic Games in an upset dubbed the "Miracle on Ice". ( i couldnt pass up the sports tear-jerker story yo)

1997 - In Roslin, Scotland, scientists announce that an adult sheep named Dolly had been successfully cloned.

2006 - At least six men stage Britain's biggest ever robbery, stealing £53m (about $92.5 million or €78 million) from a Securitas depot in Tonbridge, Kent.

2006 - The 1 Billionth song was downloaded on ITunes.

as for births...

1732 (N.S.) - George Washington, first President of the United States, in Westmoreland County, Virginia. (d. 1799)

1788 - Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher (d. 1860)

1932 - Ted Kennedy, U.S. senator from Massachusetts

1966 - Aiden Shaw, British pornographic actor (good times!)

2006-07-02T22:46:00.000-05:00

I've seen this around, but most recently at my friend Cooth's place. Decided to take my turn.....

Instructions:
1. Go to Wikipedia.
2. In the Search box, type your birth month and day (but not year).
3. List three events that happened on your birthday.
4. List two important birthdays and one interesting death.
5. One holiday or observance (if any).

Events:
1996 - Britain's Charles, Prince of Wales, and Diana, Princess of Wales, are divorced. (I was also celebrating my birthday the night the Princess was in the car wreck)

1963 - During a 200,000-person civil rights rally in at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., Martin Luther King, Jr. gives his famous I have a dream speech.

1884 - First known photograph of a tornado is made.

Births:
1969 - Jason Priestley, Canadian actor
1969 - Jack Black, American actor and musician
(Is it just me, or do these two seem SO not the same age???)

Death:
1818 - Jean Baptiste Point du Sable, founder of Chicago

Event(s):
Hong Kong: Liberation Day
(1945)Many Christian churches: feast day of Saint Augustine of Hippo

and yes, I did 2 events because: 1.) I can. 2:) a Liberation Day AND feast of a hippo? Who could CHOOSE???

This one's for Cooth!

2006-07-01T23:27:00.000-05:00

TOTALLY thought of you here!

Just call me RudeBitch

2006-06-29T12:14:00.000-05:00

I was so busy patting myself on the back & signing autographs because I learned how to do the whole link thing, I totally forgot to tell you all how awesome my teacher is! Go here, she's FUN!, you won't regret it!

911 Victim's Memorial Site

2006-06-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

This is an awesome idea, and he could use our help. Only do this if you can do it for the right reasons please... 9.11 Victim Memorial

I'm trying out what I've learned from Haley today (or not learned, in which case I will put the call of HELP!!!! back out there).

This is a site that I found out about through a blog I love to read Mark Base (OMG if this works you can TOTALLY call me a show off!). It's an awesome idea, and I hope some of you join the effort. And, like Mark said on his blog - Respect this for what it is, don't use it as your political platform.

Thanks. And Haley, if this post shows & isn't deleted? Thank you for the lesson....I've waxed on, waxed off.

I'll tell ya then!

2006-06-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

Tug wants to know:

1. What reading material is currently on your nightstand?
2. What jewelry are you wearing right now, or did you wear today?
3. What is the last beverage you consumed?
4. Are you left-handed or right-handed?
5. What's your cell phone ring tone?

1. On one side of the bed: False Memory by Dean Koontz.
On the other side: Dress Your Family in Cordouroy by Sedaris
2. Just my usual 3 earrings.
3. 12 oz can of Diet Dr. Pepper
4. Right. Always Right.
5. Depends on who's calling! Kt - Funkytown. Tb - Macho Man. Another friend - Pink Panther Theme. Anybody else - Yakety Sax.

yes, ANOTHER one!

2006-06-27T21:15:00.000-05:00

I saw this on http://mommaamme.typepad.com/ and decided to share. (Who's going to teach me to make the link say what it's called instead of the whole http:blah blah blah, but still take you there?)

I wanna know:
1. What reading material is currently on your nightstand?
2. What jewelry are you wearing right now, or did you wear today?
3. What is the last beverage you consumed?
4. Are you left-handed or right-handed?
5. What's your cell phone ring tone?

Me? Here you go.
1. Naked by David Sedaris (re-read)
2. Black Hills Gold Toe Ring, Livestrong yellow bracelet
3. Glass of Cabernet
4. Righty
5. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - vibrate then ring. (Vibrate works LOVELY when between your legs on the ride home from work....scares the HELL out of you when sitting on top of your metal microwave)

LOVE these things...I'm weird like that.

No Glove, No Love

2006-06-24T00:39:00.000-05:00

well shoot i havent meant to abandon anybody! ive just been out of it when it comes to writing things lately i guess. plus right now i think i have strep throat. i looked at my throat in the mirror and can see white spots on it which i think is strep. when i get home tonight im gonna go take some of my leftover antibiotics. yes i know, you arent supposed to do that. so sue me. if itll make me feel better im gonna do it. so i might just create a resistant super strain of streptococcus, so what? lol! seriously, i feel like cold ass.

so anyways, i hate myself. i know that as garrett is, the whole quiet thing, me and him probably arent a match made in heaven. i do have to admit that hes been on my mind quite a bit and im having second thoughts about my determination regarding him. im not sure why my resolve here has weakened. some guys just do a number on ya. garrett is one of those guys i guess. sometimes its hard to remember the uncool stuff when some very cool stuff happens. its like that line from a song whose name i cant remember about how they get back together after breaking up because they couldnt remember why theyd split but then it only is a matter of time before they remember exactly why they shouldnt be dating. does anybody know what song im talking about here?

and its like, im wondering if i gave it enough of a chance. im sure im just overthinking here. shit, boy cant return my texts or emails. he drives me nuts. i must resist the yummy snuggliness and cuteness. after all, in nature its always the pretty plants and bugs and shit that are the most poisonous. i must remember this. and we all know i cant do the whole he appears, he disappears bullshit. thats so not cool. damn i just want this to fade. i think its just a matter of time.

i guess what really set this whole deal off was the date i went on after the garrett excursion. i found myself thinking during the date how this guy wasnt even close to as sweet and cute as garrett. then of course i started to miss garrett. im sure that if i saw him again i would remember just how much the silence bullshit bugged me. oh fuckin a, whatever. this bird has flown.

then of course theres the matter of no glove no love. never have sex when youve been drinking...a lot. shit this is so bad. i have never done anything so fucking dumb in my life. but yes, garrett and i had sex sans protection. i havent been on the pill for a couple weeks because i missed getting my refill in time to start and neither one of us had a condom. yes, i know, i totally deserve whatever i get from this. i bring this up because of cooth's blog post the other day about getting pregnant with her son.

i guess i wonder if cooth ever thought about not having her son or if it wasnt even a choice. ive been wondering what i would do if i got pregnant. right now im more or less in a place where i could get by with a child. it would be hard to do it alone, but it could be done. and im partially of the mindset that you take things as they come and deal with them and accept responsibility. and then of course i think about the whole deal of telling the father. you dont want the guy to think you did it on purpose or for them to feel resentful, but at the same time dont they deserve to know about their child and what may come of things? ultimately its my body and if i wanna have an abortion i can, in a few remaining states at least, but i still get hung up on the ethical dilemma of the father's role.

as women im sure we've all had those pregnancy scares though im sure most of us havent been quite as blatantly retarded about it as i was this last weekend, so im sure yall are diggin me here with this one. i dunno, im just curious to hear what yall have to say on this. my periods due here in the next week or two i think so i guess i will know what the deal is soon enough. i dunno, im not panicked really because you just do what you have to, thats life. and if nothing else, as my therapist said, garrett and i would make one damn fine lookin baby together. lol! and i dont want to sound flippant here but i just cant undo whats been done. im trying to accept my fuckups. doesnt mean ill do it again mind you, but i gotta accept all of my fuckups.

so yeah, thats that. i guess ill keep yall updated as to period watch 2006. lol! trust me, i harbor no illusions of garrett stepping up to the plate here. like i always say, you might as well do it yourself. thats the bob villa way and thats the susie way. im sure ive written all of this for no reason. im sure aunt flo will arrive and all that jazz and i will have dodged another bullet. and of course now yall are like thinking im a total fucking moron, but hey, im human and to fuck up is to be human.

things are much better in my head and in my world these days. i can actually say with a straight face that despite all the bullshits of life im happy. and i have to resist worrying about what everyone else thinks. i still have some of that in my head and im workin on it. maybe thats why i havent posted as much because i still havent gotten over that worry about other people's perceptions of me. ultimately those perceptions dont really count. i also worry about kt. while i have nothing to prove to her or anyone else, she still is an important person in my life. i never want to disappoint the people i love.

well anyways, seems that work calls. im on a part-time job now and i think im about to get a call. im just trying to make it through the night feeling like ass and being tired and all. i shall keep yall updated.

Do these lids may my eyes look fat?

2006-06-21T16:04:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where your eyes are just HEAVY? You got enough sleep (or as much as usual), you're not really tired....but your eyes are HEAVY? That's me today, & it's driving me inSANE.

I don't wanna work, I just want to bang on the drum all day! Sing it with me everybody.......

This is awesome.

2006-06-21T13:54:00.000-05:00

Read the rest of the article: Letter from Iraq: They don't "support the troops but not the war"

Que Sera Sera

2006-06-20T15:21:00.000-05:00

well i finally met the original army boy, the infamous garrett. frankly i was surprised he actually showed up. we met in charlotte, nc. not a hugely happenin town but we didnt really leave the hotel so it wasnt a big deal. and i have to say he is soooo fucking hot. hes like an abercrombie and fitch model. and hes incredibly sweet and snuggly and when he smiles it melts my heart.

but.....

he doesnt talk much. that drives me batty. i cant deal with dating a mime. andy was a mime in bed which i could handle, but being a mime all the time, susie just cant roll with yo. and it breaks my heart because hes so great in every other way, but me being with someone who has trouble communicating is just a joke. i mean sure im not always great communicating either but i can at least friggin talk. sure i could talk enough for both of us but thats no fun. when you talk to someone you get to know them. when they dont talk you feel like you have no idea who they are. i dont wanna work that hard or be in the dark that much. thats just torture to me. who i am cannot handle silence all the time like that.

in the past i might have tried to push that issue to the side, but i really realized this weekend how important communication as a trait is for a potential mate or bf or whatever. i need someone who can keep up conversationally. ok, i need someone who can at least participate in conversation, he dont have to be a friggin toastmaster or anything.

mick was so right when he said you cant always get what you want. i so want garrett to be that guy because hes got so many things goin for him, but hopin and wishin wont make things so. at least i have the wisdom to know that now. it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt and sting and all that jazz, because it does, but it is how it is. que sera sera.

the world just aint fuckin fair.

I DO have friends!

2006-06-15T11:54:00.000-05:00

I got this in an e-mail today, & had to share:

Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the irrovocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, Your Biggest Fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. .

It's a hot one mamma.

2006-06-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

Yes, I’m old. Talking about the weather. Get over it. AND, I’m stealing from the other blog, The Songs In My Head. Fuck. This. Shit. I lived in Phoenix, where it got to 122 degrees. Had a tire blow out – my friend & I went to change it….go to pull it out of the trunk….it was MELTED. TO THE TRUNK. I swear to you I would not lie about MELTED FUCKING TIRES. We fought with it, 2 chickasses sticking out of my trunk….when FINALLY a trucker (with green underwear sticking out the top of his plumber’s crack much less– ewww) stopped & helped (NICE trucker with green underwear sticking out the top of his plumbe'r's crack). MELTED to the trunk. A CAR TIRE. My dash melted & burned too. Can you say a tad TOASTY???
So I moved. Today, in Colofuckingrado? MargoRita, the car, said . Would NOT lie to you about . 107 for the most part on the ride home, but she popped up to for a littlebit there. Like 3 degrees matters ONEFUCKINGIOTA. It’s going to be a long, LONG, summer. btw – would Margo lie to me? No – she’s ALWAYS within a degree or 2 of all the others in town. Margo speaks the truth.

The 4400

2006-06-13T07:26:00.000-05:00

This is for you Tug!

The 4400 is an AWESOME show on the USA network. I believe it is in it's 3rd season now. It is about 4400 people who were abducted over the past 60 years and then all returned at the same time. All with new abilities....like pre-cognition, the power to heal, mind-reading, etc.....

It has great characters and an interesting story-line. And, it's on in the summer, when everything else is re-runs! :o)

Tb and I have been watching it since it started. It's kinda-like a set family time.

Seems like this summer is actually going to have some good tv. I'm looking forward to Psych, new Monk episodes, Big Brother All-Stars. Last night watched The Closer (good show) and taped Saved. Geez, I really should get a life....

Take This Job And Shove It, Bitches!

2006-06-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

well the verdict is in. i got the job! i got the call at like the ass crack of dawn this morning and the city lady was really calm about it and she couldve just slipped it by me she was so monotone and nice sounding. she was like, "we are really interested in you and i wanted to let you know that you have completed the background process. i know you need to give leave but call me when you know when you can start." i guess i was expecting something like congratulations you got the job or would you like to come work for us or something along those lines. the moment was so un-hollywood. lol!

so yes this woman has been loosed. i am free at last thank god almighty. i typed up my resignation letter today and turned it in. my last day is june 28th. funny enough i set it up so that i get paid for my three off days. gotta love it right?! lol! so now i have to do a couple exit interviews and turn all my gear in and shit. so i officially have 8 days of actually going in to work left. i dont think its all hit me yet. maybe on my last few days or something. im gonna miss my buddies a lot. and of course i am terrified and excited at the same time starting out somewhere new and having to learn the ropes and get to know people and all that jazz. funny enough though i now totally have the tools to deal with it and be sociable and friendly and all that jazz. i partially got that skill by being a cop and having to talk to tons of weird people all the time. plus, the meds help. lol!

so yeah i need to have a great escape party with like a p.o.w./steve mcqueen theme or something. that would be cool. i could have steve mcqueen on the invites. and everyone could come as either nazis or p.o.w.s. yeah i can kinda see the insensitivity of that particular aspect of the idea. perhaps great escape artists like houdini and david copperfield. yeah thats better. we can all get trashed. that would seriously rock. lol! ill have to run that by my buddys and see what we can do.

in other news, my pap smear can back normal. yea, no cervical cancer for me. gotta love it. i also got the doc to prescribe me that new birth control pill, seasonale. its the one where you only have 4 periods a year. i was already taking my regular pills back to back as it is but now i wont run out of pills early and wont have to deal with the insurance not paying for the pills cause i pick up the refills too early. fuckin insurance companies. i gotta tell ya, the pack they come in is seriously cool as shit lookin. there are three tiers with pills and its just cool. youd so have to see it to understand. and i also got on advair which is an asthma med. my asthma is just outta control lately. when youre sitting and you have a hard time getting a breath thats bad. that or youve got a pulmonary edema or something medical-like. i took my first puff of it today so we shall see how that goes. isnt it great getting new stuff even if it is meds? lol! ah new meds smell, yum.

and as for my cross stitch, i started the giant butterflies one. i am progressing slowly, purposefully so. i have a leaf and 3/4 of a butterfly done. im trying to be more zen with it and im much happier about it doing it that way. good times i tell ya.

oh and i got a shit ton done today. went to court (won my hit and run case), tried a kfc chicken bowl (it was ok), went to bank (still have no money), paid overdue bills (oops!!!), picked up prescriptions, dropped off books for amy's husband to use for his fbi test, went to the store and got cereal and bagel bites (they rock!!!), put all my trash into bags (now if id only take it out!!!), and quit my job (fuck all of yall, you bitches, yeah!). yep, time well spent i tells ya. and i caught up on some of my tivo. and i watched the season premier of the closer. brenda fuckin rocks ass yo! and saw the series premier of that new tnt show, saved. not sure about it frankly. well shall see.

oh yeah, as for my date with jack the helo pilot, i dont think he much liked me and i dont think i much liked him. so i guess it worked out. too bad though cause hes kinda cute and ninja skillz are hot. alas, dems da breaks. plus, i dont think i could get serious with a dude who has dated a stripper. something just tells me, ya know?

so yeah, thats been my day. now i think im gonna hit the tub and read some trash (a dan brown novel, lol!). word to your mutha!

The CUTEST thing. awwww

2006-06-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

So I've been visiting the kids since Wednesday, & helping K with Heart Squatter #2's 1st birthday. FUN. Not the point. Friday, while SIL was working & K worked 1/2 day, the grandkids & I had fun playing by NO rules (a.k.a. funtime with Grandma). Dog Max was outside playing with neighbor dog, having dogday fun times. THEN, I hear thunder. Max does NOT like thunder. Well, I guess in all the funtime-having with kids inside, I did not hear the 1st thunder. Max did. By the time I heard it, he was GONE. I couldn't find him anywhere. Heart squatter #1 was outside calling him like crazy, about to get hysterical because he LOVES this dog. A boy & his dog ya' know. K came home from work, my Mom came out (we were all heading to "the city" for last minute shopping)........& no dog. You can't go shopping in the city with a missing dog. So we searched. and called. and called. and searched. K, HS #1 & I walked through the forest & woods, up hills, down valleys, talked to neighbors, no dog. Now K's crying. I had JUST been called the BEST babysitter EVER. notsomuch anymore I'm thinking. I've never walked so much in my LIFE. Pouring rain, I'm in sandals & out of my pj's & in DECENT GOING TO TOWN CLOTHES with my hair done & make-up on for goodness sakes......& wet. Soaked to the bone WET. SIL & my Dad came out to help search. During a stop in the house to dry off, make more phone calls & check messages, HS #1 went & got paper (on his own) & wrote this note to put up all over.......he then took it to the printer which (NOBODY knew this prior) makes color copies, & made a bunch. I've crossed out his name & part of the phone number, but you get the message. TOO cute. (Max was found...some nice guy MILES UP THE ROAD had seen him in the middle of the road looking lost & taken him home to safety) (neighbor dog was NO help in the search & cannot be trusted to bring Max home safely any more)

Vag Doc

2006-06-07T21:09:00.000-05:00

well i did my psych eval today. it consisted of three written test thingies and an interview. the test thingies are always amusing to me and i even laughed out loud a few times. do you hear voices in your head? um, no. lol! and the interview thing went well. i was downright bubbly. at 8am. yeah i know, amazes me too. lol! ive noticed ive been more bubbly lately. perhaps i am a bubbly person. who knew? so at the end of th einterview the shrink guy told me there shouldnt be a problem. well i hope not yo. so yeah, he sends the results to them this week or something. hopefully that means i get the phone call with the offer next week. i am not a patient person yo. seriously, lets get this party started.

one little thing though, as i walked in to do the psych eval i saw a familiar face there. it was a sgt who taught in my academy and who recently "retired" from the dept. well in reality he was kicked out of the special unit he was in charge of and that pissed him off so he left. he is a major asshole. i described him as being sanctimonious in an anonymous course eval during the academy and he figured out it was me who wrote that and hes never let go of it since. he teaches classes and will tell people about the whole sanctimonious thing. seriously bro, let it go. but it is true. hes a major cock and turns out he also doesnt believe women should be cops. he would sexually harass a buddy of mine who worked for him in the special unit. we're talking shit like you need to bake me cookies every week etc etc. real misogynist shit. so yeah hes applied at the same place and apparently going through the process. i have my fingers crossed he doesnt make it. though if he does i hope i get hired first so ill have seniority over him. wouldnt that be a laugh? or if i got promoted over him. serious retribution yo. but i really wanted to get away from all of that evil toxic bullshit but here it comes around again. hopefully they will figure out hes a fucker. its not hard to tell once he opens his mouth. so yeah we shall see.

and in other unhappy news, i have my gyno appt tomorrow morning. i hate spreading my legs for my doc but its gotta be done considering im overdue for the checkup i was supposed to go do like a year ago. i hate going to the doctor especially the vag doc. ugh. but alas the shits gotta be done. oh what fun. and i do need a refill on my birth control and asthma meds. gotta love it. and its at 1030 am. ugh ugh ugh. im no good till after noon. fuck.

i started a new cross stitch yesterday. its a huge one thats gonna take forever. im focusing on the journey and not the final destination. im trying to take more time doing it and being organized on the back of the piece and everything. its going along well so far, slowly, but well.

well i gotta hit the rack here soon if im gonna get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow for the vag doc. just when i was getting back into my night schedule. oh well.

Me Me Me Me Meeeeeeee

2006-06-06T15:56:00.000-05:00

hurray for me i got my car serviced today. im like almost 3000 miles over the service date and had all sorts of lights on on my dash. yes, im a lazy loser. i know this. but i finally made the appt online and went and dropped it off. my buddy myles called while i was waiting and we went to see the breakup. fairly funny. found myself having similar arguments with andy my former live-in. but i do have to ask, why is it that every movie these days must have a singing portion in it? i just dont get this.

also went to my therapist today. had an interesting conversation about dating. turns out dating is all about me. im sure i knew this deep down somewhere but somehow i didnt. a first date is all about me and whether the dude can please me. its not about me pleasing the dude. huh. who knew? lol! its kind of empowering to think of it that way frankly. me me me me me. all about me. im amazing, its whether hes amazing. hmmmm. i need to really percolate with this one. but the consequences of this change of thought are exciting to me. paradigm shift time yo. we shall see if my actions will change as well as my thoughts. itll be put to the test sunday with new army guy, a helo pilot, jack. litmus test jack. lol!

btw, is it just me or is the blog a little less exciting now that i dont have the nutty drama to bitch about? figured id ask. lol!

HOLY BEAN-COUNTER BATGIRL!!

2006-06-02T10:10:00.000-05:00

Inventory yet AGAIN. Damn month-end comes each. and every. damn MONTH. who knew! The GOOD NEWS, besides that it's Friday of course, is that 1+1=closeENOUGH to 2 that I will be able to lock myself in my HOME this weekend and HAVE a weekend! Yea, yippee, whoooeeeeeeeeeeeee! Life, my friends, is very very good at this moment.

Woof Woof

2006-05-31T23:56:00.000-05:00

sadly, i haven fallen into dog the bounty hunter. for those not in the know, dog the bounty hunter is a show on a&e about a bounty hunter and his bounty hunting family. his name is dog and they work in hawaii. aloha. i never thought id ever watch it because well it sounds jackassy but i guess a&e has been playing the shit out of it lately and i got sucked in. its not bad really. good fluff tv and its something new i havent seen all the episodes of yet. sad, but true. just give it time.

in other news, i pulled out the spotbot and attempted to de-piss my chair. i even unstuffed the pillows and cushions and washed their covers. now im thinking i may cut away some of the pissy parts of the foam from inside the cushions to further de-piss everything. the trick will be to re-stuff the large foam piece into its cover. ill let ya know how that went! lol!

i also finished my butterfly cross stitch as well as my "fuck the dumb shit" cross stitch from the subversive cross stitch book. i seriously need to take pics. if i ever get any money i may buy frames for them. as of right now i dont have enough money to pay rent. our part-time job money hasnt come in and its a month's worth of money which is a lot. im supposed to be picking up my check tomorrow. we shall see. susie's got bills to pay yo.

i also have my therapy session for the week tomorrow. i think i wanna talk about some work stuff and about guys. ive been emailing a couple dudes casually and one of them texted me tonight. i find myself falling into similar thought patterns when it comes to guys. i need to break them. i automatically go into defensive mode and the whole does he just wanna bang me mode. neither of which is healthy. this is a tangled knot i need to undo. i need to learn how to approach things from a healthier point of view. i may as well delve into the guy past with my therapist and start really hitting that yo. ive already addressed the pleaser habit which im working hard to undo, but alas that subject is a minefield of unhealthy thoughts and actions. but thats why i pay my therapist the big bucks yo. let the progress continue.

i spoke to my sister the other night. her world is crumbling as usual. i cant get stressed out about it anymore. shes an adult and she can never manage to get out of her funk. i cant even speculate anymore what her funk may be caused by. i think shes just one of those people who will be kinda fucked up for life. that kinda makes me sad, but thems the breaks ya know. i do feel kinda bad sometimes because she makes an effort to try and be part of my life and to keep in contact and i dont always reciprocate. its just not a natural thing to share my life with my family. maybe i should discuss that in therapy too. couldnt hurt.

as for my insomnia, seems like its going around, even taking the sleeping pills my psych prescribed doesnt help me stay asleep as long as id like. i can manage to fall asleep but i find myself waking up every once in a while and having to make myself go back to sleep. is my body just telling me it wants less sleep? if so then why do i feel sleepy all the time? the same thing happens if i just fall asleep without pills. who knows. its annoying though. i havent had one of those really satisfying deep sleeps in a while. i do notice i have more vivid dreams when i take pills. hmmmm, interesting.

speaking of dreams, it came up last week in therapy about a recurring dream ive had most of my life ever since i can remember. its basically where im trying to talk but i have gum or something sticky and stretchy in my mouth that i cant get out. the dream frustrates me to no end because i really want the stuff out of my mouth so i can communicate but it just wont come out no matter how much i pull at it. this of course could symbolize any number of things, but basically i think its me telling myself im not communicating in the way id like. somehow im muzzled either by myself or something else. this could apply to many situations. its something to continue to think about though.

well anyways, seems i have a migraine right about now. and of course i refuse to take anything for it. im silly. but it hurts when i walk around cause my head moves. maybe my cross stitch is making me go blind and thus causing the headaches. who knows. or maybe im about to stroke out. either way, its bad time and maybe a little reading. ive got angels and demons by dan brown. yes, i know, i should be ashamed. but light reading is good right now. i hope reading doesnt make the headache worse. damn me!

Milk Carton Moment

2006-05-30T20:11:00.000-05:00

wow i have to say today was the first day i noticed that kt had extracted herself from the blog and even took mention of it off of her blog. does this mean she has excised me out of her life permanently? i have to say it was a bit of a shock when i noticed. whatever happened to "hold onto your friends"?

while i know that us breaking out of our destructive habits with each other is a good thing, i also miss my friend. ive known kt longer than anyone else in this world who i still keep in touch with. at the same time i dont know if i should try to call or email her. i dont have anything to prove to her about my life and the progress ive been making so i dont want to write something that falls into that bad habit. so i just dont know what to do. am i supposed to wait for her to come back around? im not sure.

im not even sure what else to say.

I Am The Center of My Universe

2006-05-30T13:44:00.000-05:00

well i gotta say this weekend has been shit. just a bad time at work is all. i had a minor fender bender with my buddys patrol car and then last night i failed my qualification with my firearm. no biggie really i just have to go through a remedial class friday morning. i was really hoping to just lay low for the next few weeks until i can get outta this place. job update, cause i dont think ive mentioned it really, but i have interviewed and got lie detected and am going for my psych eval next weds for this job in suwanee. im hoping that next weds they will give me the final offer and i will be able to run home and craft a resignation letter and start checking off the two weeks ill have left at this hell hole. another nice thing about leaving where im at right now other than getting my soul back is that i should get a nice big check for my sick and leave days i have left over. i could use the extra money right now. im kinda short for rent this month because my part-time money hasnt been mailed out to me yet. i hate dipping into savings but if you gotta you gotta. money sucks when you dont have it. i need to get used to that. lol!

my cross stitch is coming along. im almost done with the first big project. i also did one of the designs out of the subversive cross stitch book. i need to take a pic of it. its four hearts with f u c k in the middle of them. its cute i thought. i think i may work on the go fuck yourself design next. gotta love it! and i also wanna start reading the quilting for dummies book i got. when i get more cash id like to buy some supplies and give it a try. hobbies rock. lol!

of course i also need to clean my apt and de-shit the cat boxes. i also need to de-piss the chair the cats love to piss on. at this point ive just accepted that that chair will never be totally piss free. ugh. fucking cat bastards. and i also need to get back into running. i was running some before my ankle accident and im seriously not happy with my body. i was running before for a guy which is fucked up so i need to start running now for me. i just gotta take the first step. the first steps a doosey sometimes. lol!

as for therapy, my therapist lady told me last week that she was seeing a huge improvement. thats cool. rewiring your brain is hard but its coming along. im taking back me. funny enough my life does revolve around me. go fig. lol! so yeah, no retreat, no surrender. hoooo-ah.

Be safe.....

2006-05-26T16:12:00.000-05:00

Happy Memorial Day everyone; be safe, and enjoy the long weekend!

I am loved.

2006-05-25T22:54:00.000-05:00

No, not the screaming through the bedroom walls type of love, but it's awesome just the same. My S-I-L called me today. He has a job lead for me. Talked to one of his suppliers, pumped me up to THEM, and I am now taking resume's along with me this weekend. THEY are looking for someone JUST LIKE ME. awwwwwww. Don't know if it'll come to fruition (did I even USE the term or SAY it right? don't care), don't know what it would pay & if I could live on the wages - a.k.a. accept the job if offered, but it's worth a shot. GOOD THOUGHTS. And the good news? (besides it's a job that's NOT the one I have now)......it's not in Alaska. Or Russia. Or B.F.E. of any variety. It's 45 minutes from where the fam lives. Not just daughter, heart squatters, parents (good & bad)......but also the S-I-L. He knows it, & STILL recommended me. Life is good. Wish me luck.

Stitch Stitch Stitch

2006-05-23T21:29:00.000-05:00

ok, i have a serious problem. im addicted to cross stitch. everyone always tells me i need to get a hobby so i thought, well, what could i do. i have a cross stitch i was doing years ago for kt's graduation that ive never quite finished so i thought, hey, i could maybe finish it eventually. of course i went to the crack dealer, Michaels, and bought a couple new cross stitches, but ill finish that other one eventually. i so cannot put it down. im doing this small butterfly one and im obsessed. its a disease, seriously.

im like a machine, stitch stitch stitch. i dont know whats come over me, seriously. i just want more more more. and then ive also contemplated returning to crochet. oh yes, crochet. i just havent bought the supplies yet. im obsessesd with the girl arts. how could this be?! next thing you know ill be sewing or something. actually, i really wanna learn quilting. maybe ill try that next. but seriously, im gonna finish the projects im starting. thats imperative.

and funny enough, i found this book with naughty cross stitch patterns in it. instead of home sweet home they say things like go fuck yourself and stuff. hilarious! way to subvert the girl arts yo! btw, if anybody knows of any places you can order goofy cross stitch stuff like that lemme know. id love to do some naughty porno cross stitch or something equally as hilarious.

so yeah. my name is susan and im addicted to cross stitch. how bizzare.....

Are you dead in the desert? Is that why you're calling?

2006-05-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

When I moved to Vegas from a VERY small town, my parents were nervous. They knew I needed to get out & away, but O.M.G. I was small town girl moving to the CITY. SIN CITY. My brother-that-I-never-really-got-along-with was there, with a BRANDNEW bride, but they knew - I was basically on my own. With their grandchild. 10yearold grandchild that missed them ohso much. Brother would always be there for me, but we were not destined to be good friends & hang out. So mother called. A lot. When they would come visit (A lot.), they would hear on the news of bodies being found in the desert. dead bodies.in the desert. found.months/years later. They'd go back home, and call. MUCH more often. My mother has to have the wildest imagination EVER. If she didn't talk to me at LEAST every other day....when she finally did, the conversation started with "OMG I'm so glad to hear your voice, I thought you were dead in the desert". SIGH. I'm alive, I just had a LIFE. all is good. she breathes.

So, of course, that's the joke. When my daughter got married, I SWORE to never be "that mother". She has a life. She has a husband. They have a family. When grandchild #1 set up life in my heart, & after nine months, they MOVED. FAR, FAR, AWAY.......(have you ever had to tell yourself how to walk? left foot.....OK, now right foot...you can do it.....left foot..you-can't-have-a-breakdown-here-or-someone-will-make-you-dead-in-the-desert-right foot....get-up-to-your-apartment-&-then-you-can-break-down-left foot......BREATHE-CINDER-GIRL-BREATHE) I would NOT let myself call too often. They are a FAMILY. They have a LIFE. TOGETHER. So what happens? she calls. #1 heart-squatter had done something adorable, or wanted to say "hi" to GammaTitty. (yes, presh!) She also calls during the day since I've been in Hooterville Hell. to see how I'm doing. Today? no call. no work for her, and no call. WEIRD. I'm busy, so don't call her. Tonight, I walk in, phone's ringing. I see her number....pick up the phone......& instead of "hello", I say "SO. You dead in the desert?" She says "no. no desert here". "you?" I say "nope, not today". "See any dead bodies on your way home?" "nope, it was a good day". Dead bodies you say? another day kids, another day. Something to look forward to.

Like MacArthur.....

2006-05-18T17:57:00.000-05:00

yes, im back after a brief hiatus. i also have word from daniel. hes still alive and currently in virginia for his new job. he may be moving there but he doesnt know yet. hes hitting quarter life crisis too. how funny.

so yeah, hmmm, where to start? i guess a quick cliffs notes version first. tom, buh-bye. had severe catholic sex issues he just couldnt fucking admit to plus he was immature and couldnt take personal responsibility for his choices and actions. go be with jesus or something please. not my thing, i like being physical and i dont feel too guilty about it usually. and im not a ho for liking to be physical. im going to hell for so many other things, really.

met another guy, craig, but we're just friends. hes a positive guy and is encouraging me to write. he may well have named my first book of essays as well. hes got good points of view on things and has gotten me thinking about a lot of stuff in a different way.

as for my therapist, we are moving along. im seeing her once a week now and im still on meds. i go back to meds lady tomorrow for an update. i wonder if its the meds that are keeping me from staying asleep. i cant sleep lengthy hours like i used to, dammit. but yeah, therapist lady is getting me to see things from a different angle. shes also teaching me to reframe my thoughts so as to slowly change them. i gotta say its fucking hard and sometimes seems slightly goofy and stewart smalley-ish, but im trying. she basically says you gotta fake it to make it sometimes, meaning, you have to get through the rough patch of rethinking things and feeling weird and awkward about it to get to the point where you really start believing it. im trying to remember its about the journey and not the destination.

as for looking for work, my interview with suwanee went well and they gave me an initial job offer. i turned my background packet in yesterday and rode along with one of their guys. the people i met were cool and i actually had a fun time. it seems like a good and healthy place to work. i have my fingers crossed. i also have an interview with duluth tomorrow though i have heard nasty things about them. but hey im out there tryin.

as for kt, well, kts kt. for those not in the know, she sent me a dear susan email basically. i have to say that i disagree with many things she said in the email which of course pissed me off. but hey if she needs to go off then go. my therapist thinks we enable each other with regards to certain things and i think shes right, so time apart is good. it will hopefully help us stop replaying the cycle we get into. and yeah, i dont need to prove jack to kt or to anybody else. thats a bad habit i have to overcome. and i also refuse to put my life on hold while i fix myself. part of fixing myself is applying the things i have learned. im not gonna stop meeting people and living life. all i can do is hope that i will react differently and think differently with new situations and opportunities. i have to stop being a people pleaser! its like psychological practical exercises. so no, i dont apologize for dating tom. he actually helped me realize that you know what, its not always me! it was funny when i realized that but its true. people are fucked up and its not always my "fault" if things dont work out like i used to always think. and he made me realize that at least im aware of my issues and im trying to fix them. some people dont even have a clue. so there was a lesson there, that and i need to stick to my guns and please me first. ive been making some good progress and im hopeful.

so yeah, thats whats been going on so far. im still tooling along trying to get healthy and happy and content. not an easy thing but im trying. im also trying to catch up on my tivo programs. im not usually this far behind. time to fire up tivo before my usual thursday night shows come on. its cliffhanger month it seems. but hey, the closer is coming back soon so i will have plenty to watch come summer. yippee!!!

Here I Go AGAIN!

2006-05-17T09:06:00.000-05:00

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun.And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial.Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well.However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

DAMN, these things are addictive. This one is pretty damn accurate....kinda scary!

This one's for Mark. Part Deux

2006-05-16T20:36:00.000-05:00

Just so everyone knows that I do get great scenery once a month or so when I visit the fam. (I know you were all losing sleep over it. Glad I could help put a stop to that) This one isn't shoot-myself-ish. ;-) And yes, that's George's profile from Mt. Rushmore.

8. and counting. down.

2006-05-16T12:01:00.000-05:00

Today is the day I quit smoking. I have 8 cigarettes left, & then I will be a healthy person breathing clean air. Or attempting to be. Or on my way to being. Next week I will start working out after work - I figured I'll give myself a couple (few) days before starting that. Don't want to stroke out immediately ya' know. I have a grocery list that actually has fruit, yogurt, healthy shit on it. That will come either today or tomorrow. and I've got to say, I'm looking forward to it! So tonight, I'm going to get my hair cut & colored (haven't since last FALL), and then I'm going to clean my car out so it's fresh, and THEN I'm going home to open my windows & clean the smoky house while watching AI & House. fun times. Tomorrow I will be a new person. kinda.

I don't know if it's the right time to stop this sucka habit from hell or not - work is VERY stressful, my brother's doctoring for something unknown he cannot kick, my daughter's back on a heart monitor....but if I keep waiting for a good time, it's not gonna happen. I'm tough, I can do this.

I did warn my "boss" that he'd better be prepared - he thinks I've been a bitch so far in my time here? That was nothin'. Just wait - buckle up, the ride's about to get FUN.

?Why are these things so fun?

2006-05-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"
Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's" Your Theme Song?

For Tug

2006-05-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

For the long road ahead.....

Have a fun weekend! Happy Mother's Day!

A 2 Z 4 Me.

2006-05-10T14:56:00.002-05:00

Accent: uff duh. Don’t think so.
Booze: yes, please.
Chore I hate: all of them
Dogs/Cats: either, as long as they aren’t mine.
Essential Electronics: blender
Favorite Flower: lilacs.
Great Escape: Vegas, Dec. 2006.
Holiday: Last day of the month
Image: Squeeky-cleen??
Jester: Kt and my "adult" son, they both make me laugh on a daily basis. But for different reasons.
Kind deed: I returned someone’s wallet once and never even got a thank you. Fucker.
Laugh: at just about anything.
Memory: failing.
Number of sexual partners: I forget.
Overnight Hospital Stays: at least 5.
Phobia: low flying planes.
Quote: Calvin: The world is a complicated place Hobbes. Hobbes: Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.
Religion: hmmm....
Siblings: 3 ½.
Time I usually wake up: 5 am. But I am capable of sleeping until 6 am if necessary.
Unusual talents: I am very unusual, but possess no talents.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: brussell sprouts
Worst habit: I can only name one? okay then, french fries
X-Rays: both legs broke at same time, back, foot, knee
Yummy foods I make: 7-layer salad, clam dip, caramel rolls
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius

A - Z

2006-05-09T20:41:00.000-05:00

You all may have seen this before, but it’s new to me. So deal. Share. Comment. Have some FUN.

Accent: I hear I have a “Fargo” accent. ND, MN, MT….some of you KNOW.
Booze: Red wine. Sam Adams. Margaritas.
Chore I hate: Floors.
Dogs/Cats: Dogs of the non-yippy variety. BIG FLUFFY dogs.
Essential Electronics: Laptop, cell phone.
Favorite Flower: daisies or wildflowers.
Great Escape: beach with boat drinks.
Holiday: Christmas with kids around.
Image: Spring. Everthing about it.
Jester: Bill Murray
Kind deed: Volunteering
Laugh: Any time spent with friends and/or family.
Memory: The birth of my grandson. I wasn’t the one in pain. And I missed my granddaughter’s by a couple hours (long drive).
Number of sexual partners: Since I’m single, I’m going with “still counting”. Besides NOYB.
Overnight Hospital Stays: 3. K’s birth (besides being 100 years ago, I WAS SNOWED IN. IN NORTH DAKOTA., Gallbladder Surgery, Back Surgery
Phobia: Mice & Snakes
Quote: From the Jimmy Buffett song “He Went to Paris” – ‘Some of it’s magic, some of it’s tragic…I’ve had a good life all the way’
Religion: I believe in God. I do not feel going to church makes me believe more. I will go to church with K or Mom, but mostly talk to God in my own way. He knows. Raised, baptized, confirmed Lutheran.
Siblings: 3 brothers. 2 now in the physical sense, 1 phenomenal guardian angel.
Time I usually wake up: 4 flipping 30 to 5:30 (my snooze & I are great friends) M-F, later on weekends. MUCH later.
Unusual talents: I don’t know any that are ‘unusual’. sad, but true.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: is a navy bean a veggie? I’m so confused…..
Worst habit: SMOKING. NOT EXERCISING. I plan to change both. soon?
X-Rays: all of my mid-section (thus the surgeries), mouth
Yummy foods I make: mid-western, non-Italian lasagna, puppy chow (snack)Zodiac sign: Virgo (more virginal than I care to admit right now thankyouverymuch)

Pandoras Box

2006-05-09T07:38:00.000-05:00

man, i freakin hate myself and my lack of trust. tom went off to work this morning and here i am rummaging. its horrible. its like a disease. you discover old girlfriends in pictures and letters and i even found a treasure trove of condoms and a condom wrapper in the garbage. not sure what to make of that one. and its not like i can really ask now can i? i dunno, i wonder what tom would think of me if he looked through my things when i wasnt home. i wonder what my things would say about me. i should not have done it because i opened pandoras box. nothing good ever comes out of pandoras box. the seed has been planted. but sadly how could i not snoop some considering what went down with raiden. i so shouldve snooped on his ass. i hate having this trust issue. i hate second guessing everybody i meet. though sadly in many cases second guessing is a good thing to do because i apparently meet a bunch of crazy fuckers.

i dont know. me and tom talked more about sex last night and some other random stuff. he said hes only had 5 sex partners and that he lost his virginity at 18. funny enough he also claims to be less than educated with regards to certain sex stuff. as i was snooping i found a guide to giving good cunnilingus and the cosmo kama sutra. thats kind of funny you have to admit yo. but yeah i am wary. how do you talk about things and ask questions without sounding like that girl. you know, That Girl. i dont want to be the fucking spanish inquisiton yo. yet at the same time questions should be asked. its all a sticky wicket im afraid.

and the thing is and i have to keep reminding myself of this, is that its not like ive known tom that long. it hasnt even been a week. i think i need to slow my head down quite a bit here. no need to rush into things. i do really really like tom and he seems to be very caring and considerate, yet i do still feel like i must be viligant and wary and suspicious. when will the other shoe drop??? its like the sword of damacles. i think thats the right name and i think i spelled that right. yet at the same time i also feel like it isnt healthy and sane to feel this way, all wary and stuff. i wonder if im gonna wary myself out of things. myles, my buddy at work, always says that he goes into new relationships fresh, not holding past relationships over the new persons head and not comparing them to other people. im not sure if thats wise or naive.

so yeah. im apparently fucking nutz and rude as shit. i need a shower. and i need sleep. i havent fucking slept a full 8 hours or more in forever. once my head wakes up i just cant get back to sleep. fuck me. fucker.

Cooth & kT are AWESOME!!

2006-05-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

PUBLIC (no, I did NOT say pubic) THANK YOU!! Got the CD today......I hope it hasn't been in my mailbox for a week or 2 & you were thinking I was rudebitch (I don't check mail often - it's all bills).....cannot WAIT to listen to it on my ride to work tomorrow! THANKSSOMUCH, you guys rock AND disco!!

The Stroke Man

2006-05-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

wow. well, i had a great date weekend. yep, weekend. tom came up saturday evening. we hung out some talking and then grabbed some food at ihop. we actually argued about whether or not choco chip pancakes were more breakfast or more dessert because of the inclusion of the choco chips. i invented the breakfast/dessert spectrum and the argument began. it was fabulous. he kept up and was into the whole argument. seriously, it rocked. i laughed so much. after ihop we went to kroger and grabbed some rootbeer and ice cream for later. i have nothing in the house to eat or drink so it was greatly needed.

when we got back home we ended up watching the rock. tom was so cute. i got up to go to the bathroom and when i came out to sit down he had his arm stretched out to signal we could snuggle. that was very nice. so we snuggled and watched the movie and made fun of the movie. it was nice. then we were both sleepy and i told him to get his jammies on and come to bed with me. no arguments there from him. so we got our jammies on and snuggled down in bed. we actually ended up talking for a long while and snuggling and stuff. finally late in the night, as i was laying on my tummy talking to him and enjoying him playing with my hair, he kissed me. it was so sweet and tender and gentle and nice and i was so happy he wasnt a jackhammer tongue or something like that. it was fabulous. i eventually fell asleep with my head on tom's tummy, listening to his heartbeat.

we woke up fairly early and snuggled and kissed and stuff because neither one of us wanted to get out of bed. finally i felt like taking a bath so i got up and tom went back to sleep. when i was done in the bathroom i got back into bed and we snuggled and kissed some more. then tom took a shower and we hung out watching the hunt for red october some. we finally went off to get some food and ended up getting italian at johnny carinos. we came back and watched a hockey game on tv. sadly the colorado avalanche lost. then we ate the entire container of ben and jerrys we bought last night straight out of the container with spoons. we continued to snuggle on the couch and watch the bone collector. every once in a while we would get into a wrestling match on the floor. tom taught me a couple good ground fighting moves. we were giggling and having a good time. yes, only a cop and military guy could enjoy wrestling, or rather, grappling, as tom puts it.

so then there was more talking and snuggling and kissing and all that jazz. tom was enjoying it. trust me. he was enjoying it. at one point he told me he was very attracted to me. i of course asked in what ways was he attracted and he said that he enjoyed being with me and hanging out and laughing and he liked that i kissed gently and he thought i was pretty. aw how sweet. it was a nice moment.

now heres the comic relief to balance out all the wretch-inducing snuggling. he got up to leave to go back to columbus and went to the bathroom. he was in there for a while and i heard a couple of flushes. then i realized that i hadnt warned him that he needed to do things in stages with that toilet because its fickle. so tom finally comes out with this expression on his face. he looked so embarassed and like he was really tryin to keep it in good spirits. he asked me if he could ask me a couple questions. i said yes. he asked me if i had ever had the worst possible thing happen to me. at that point i told him about the toilet and apologized for not warning him and i just was giggling the whole time. he was just so embarassed. he asked me where the plunger was and i told him. he went off to plunge the toilet and was in there for a while. he came back out and said he needed help. it was so funny. the toilet just would not unclog. so i went in there and plunged some and then he finally got it. but i was laughing the whole time. i felt so bad for tom but he was taking it like a trooper. it was so cute. and so hilarious. he said he was glad i took it the way i did because he was so embarassed. how else would i take it. isnt that everybodys nightmare scenario? fucking hilarious yo.

so yeah then he got his stuff together and we said goodbye and he left. he left me some of the brownies he made. he asked me when i wanted to come down to see him and i told him my availability this week. im going down tomorrow night to see him for a few days. hes gonna cook for me. and ill get to see his bowflex. yes, boy owns a bowflex. ive already made fun of him for it. every time id touch a muscular part of him id say, "bowflex." im silly. he also used to row in high school and college. he told me he was "the stroke man." the stroke man is the guy at the front of the boat that everyone keeps pace with. of course now i refer to tom as the stroke man for its obvious comic reasons.

so yeah that was my date weekend. it was nice. it was casual and relaxed and funny. toms a fabulous guy. hes open and funny and smart and honest and doesnt appear to be hiding anything. hes got that young sweet guy vibe. he opens doors for me and paid for dinner at ihop and is respectful. when we were goofin around he would never go to grab my crotch or boobs or anything like that. he was just really sweet and eager and cute. and he seems to really really dig me. the funny thing is, and i just realized this, but im not angsty or anything. im not sitting here worrying about this or that with regards to tom. things are as they are. so far theres been no red flags. words and actions have matched. and damn if he doesnt smell amazing. he wears obsession for men. i fucking love obsession for men. breathe in baby, yeah. smell the boyness in all its glory. hell yeah beyotch.

so yeah, things are good. i had a good time and toms as cute as a button. i will keep everyone updated as to what goes down the next few days at his place. im excited, it should be fun. shit, how could it not be fun, im dating the stroke man!

Italian Tom

2006-05-06T12:09:00.000-05:00

well i have a date tonight. yep, a date. tonight. me. with a boy. indeedy. we spent forever chatting online last night and i got no sleep. i have a cop party tonight at amys house and hes coming over after. he sounds motivated. motivated is good. his name is tom. tom from philly. italian tom from philly. he is funny as shit and can follow me quote for quote from movies. i love it! we were quoting hunt for red october last night. he loves that movie too. excellent. on paper he sounds great. kt youll love this, lapsed catholic. oh btw, in case i forget to ask when i talk to you on the phone, isnt it true the vatican allegedly has the largest collection of porn in the world? i swear i heard that somewhere. there was some reason for them to have it but i forget. youre the local catholic expert here yo, settle the debate please.

so yeah, toms a skinny boy. and hes young, 24. i feel so old! lol! but hes very smiley and he claims he can cook and bake. of course he cooks italian food, but hey its something. im not a huge italian food fan sadly but its a start. i mean, he can cook manicotti. i think there are multiple steps involved there. impresses me at least who can barely get the microwaving step right. im just lazy though and in no way retarded or illiterate. lol! and yes, toms in the army. hes getting out in december and wants to go into finance. hes got a degree of some kind which is always good. sadly no beret pics. yeah i was disappointed too. lol! look at his cute little puppy dog mug there. gotta love it.

so yeah we shall see how it goes. fingers crossed. theres no better way to get over a guy than to meet a new guy. i think confucious said that and its so true. ancient chinese secret i think. wish me luck and let the chicken sacrificing begin.

The Mother Theresa Code

2006-05-05T15:58:00.000-05:00

ugh for the last couple days i have been helping my friend amy paint her dining room. i hate painting. plus the color yellow we got was more YELLOW than we wanted. ah the things you do for friends, right?

so yes, the phonecall. i did call tara and she called me back. shes in the army too in texas. she met raiden in 2003 while she was still in college. he helped her rotc class out or something. they dated for like 8 months. they went on a 4 day weekend before he got shipped out. apparently he told her later he was going to propose to her on the trip but chickened out. anyways, they get back from the trip and he disappears. there was no word from him until last year. tara of course got sucked back in. he emailed her like every few weeks and told her he would be at her door in december when he got back home. he disappeared again. tara waited and waited and nothing. she finally let him know she was done and now shes with another guy shes crazy about.

basically she explained how raiden is very fucked up from his deployments. he had post traumatic stress disorder from a previous deployment. he would shake at night when he tried to sleep and would have nightmares. tara said at one point after a deployment he did cocaine for two months to try and deal. then after another deployment he drank a bunch. she spoke to some of the guys who served under him and apparently they would follow him anywhere but things changed. the group he was put in charge of had 40 fatalities before he came along. after he took charge they had 5. they saw the worst of things in ramadi. it was implied to tara however that a lot of the guys dont trust him anymore because he was bending the rules of engagement, meaning, he was killing people maybe he shouldnt.

tara says that the war has just changed him. he was a respectful guy who was very caring and attentive and she said from what i said about how he was during our dates and such that that wasnt the carl (raiden's real name) she knew. she thinks his time as a sniper and the accidents hes been hurt in and the fact that hes had good friends get killed and the fact that hes killed a ton of people has changed him. she thinks hes still in war survival mode and just pushes people away and thinks they are a distraction to his survival. she thinks he needs help or else something is going to happen to him or to someone he does something to.

tara also confirmed the marriage and annulment. the girl was a friend of his sister's. she confirmed the accidents hes been hurt in. she confirmed everything basically as being true. the thing that sucks about our conversation is that i really just wanted to hate him and chalk him up as just a total asshole. and i know kt will think im making excuses but dudes fucked up because of his war experiences. doesnt make being a dick and treating people shitty right. but the whole thing just makes me really sad. on the other hand, its not like i see serial killer dudes and think wow isnt it sad how they were probably great kids and then something happened and now theyre fucked up, so why do it here with raiden? hes fucked up, period. probably a lost cause. he hasnt really looked for help and probably never will. he is as he is.

its the mother theresa impulse im fighting. i have got to figure out why i have this drive to help. to fucking go out of my way to help. for no real reason. it even goes back to my regression. remember kt how i told the lady about me being in a field and then there was this little boy and i knew i had to help him but i didnt know why or how or who he was. this is a theme and i have to crack it. the fucking mother theresa code. fuck.

its like an advance in science that was meant for good but is now used for evil. helping is noble and good, but in my hands its evil and rotting and self-destructive. shit. i have got to figure this out. this is a serious issue for me and i have to resolve it in one way or another.

i have got to crack this mother theresa code.

Oh, the Places you'll go!

2006-05-05T15:17:00.000-05:00

Speaking of going places, I am itching to travel. My passport is due to expire in August. I haven't used it since 2000 but I will renew it because, if I learned nothing else in college, Kicking and Screaming taught me that you should always keep your passport handy because otherwise you might get stuck at home with Chris Eisenburg (berg?) and a bunch of other guys, all aimless, sharing how many times you've masturbated each day.

What's killing me are the prices of plane tickets. I hate my salary today. On the plus side, I didn't blow my entire savings account (built up for that trip to England that just never happened) on buying my house. So I'm looking.

Anyone with tips on finding great flight details, please share.

And no, Cathy, this doesn't mean I can't go to Vegas. But I am wondering if we should leave you alone with Donny?

And other places to go....

2006-05-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

Besides stalking the cute men's curling team stars, Bemidji, Minnesota also has a Bunyan....Bunyan

Why go to Baker?

2006-05-04T15:51:00.000-05:00

Just because it is where Tug & I went to high school? NO! Here is the REAL REASON!

See exactly what it is that makes the trip way out to Baker worth the haul.

Like Sands Through the Hourglass.....

2006-05-03T00:13:00.000-05:00

oh dude, it just gets better yo. i cannot wait. so when i did a google search of raiden a while ago a name and email addy popped up. when all of this went down today i decided i would email this person. it was a chick who had gone onto an army website looking for info on raiden. i thought, hmmm this could be interesting if she dated or knew raiden. perhaps she can tell me more interesting stories about him and about his malfunction. so i wrote a goofy email to her, her name is tara, and briefly explained the situation and how i found her name. this is the text of the email she wrote back with her telephone number omitted from the end of the email.....

"There is just too much to talk about in an e-mail. Please give me a call and we can discuss the inner workings of the piece of shit that is Carl. I'd love to hear from you."

isnt that fucking hilarious! i am so calling this girl tomorrow evening. i cannot wait to hear what she has to say. this is turning very as the world turns. i will of course give everyone a detailed description of our conversation. i so cannot even imagine what she is going to say. i bet i barely sidestepped total utter psycho bullshit. thank god i never kissed him. wow. shall we take bets now on what crazy shit she will tell me about?

damn i so cannot fucking wait to call her, ugh!!! lol!

I Think Its Time To Climb Down Off The Cross Yo

2006-05-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

you guys are so gonna get a kick out of this one. what a doosie. so anyways, im talking to kt on the phone last night when my caller thingy beeps. i dont recognize the number so i click over. and its raiden. after dumping me and two weeks of in between he calls. he starts telling me the same bullshit of it wasnt me and it wasnt another girl and hes just messed up and cant be with anybody etc. i try to have a conversation with him when we get disconnected. i recall and leave a message and he never calls back.

so yeah im in a tizzy. i was like what the fuck. so anyways, i write another of my famous emails. i go to my therapist today and discuss the whole deal and after i leave i get a bug up my ass. id been thinking about raiden all night and he wasnt responding so i decided i would go down to columbus. if nothing else i would get my tupperware back. so i drive down there. his car is there. i knock on the door. i hear voices. he opens it, i see a woman inside. he sees me and the funniest expression came over his face. i had texted him i was coming but maybe he didnt get them. oh well. lol! so he looks at me in panic and closes the door, leaving me standing outside. dude, at the time it was befuddling but afterwards its fucking hilarious. so i stand there for a second and then knock again. raiden answers again and i say can i at least get my tupperware. he says yes, gets it, and comes outside with it.

i take it and say whats up and whos that? he just looks at me all panicy. i say dude you dont have to lie to me. he asked if we could talk about it later and i said i didnt think that was a good idea because i doubted he would ever explain anything. he then said well i told you i was fucked up and i have nothing else to say. so he went inside and that was it. i opened the tupperware and i swear i dont think he ate one fucking cookie i made for him. so i dumped the cookies next to his car door and left.

yeah it was a stupid fucking impulsive thing to do to go down to columbus but you know it was good. id rather know for sure hes nutz, not that i needed more proof. when somebody tells you theyre fucked up, fucking believe them. i dont wanna be the mother theresa of dudes with mental leprosy anymore. i am choosing to stop doing that and will do my best to avoid it in the future. and in the spirit of that choice i texted garrett and told him i didnt want to be that girl who hung around waiting for a dude who doesnt really want her. erase and erase. buh-bye.

i can choose to be miserable or i can choose to be happy. ive chosen miserable now for ages and its not really workin all that well. so im gonna try the other side of the coin. yeah im sure ill falter here and there but i have to at least try. i do not need the drama, i have chosen it. i can unchoose it too. i have chosen to put myself second behind undeserving fuckers, i can unchoose that too. i deserve more than i am allowing myself to have and thats just plain fucking silly. now i need to figure out why i put myself second and we'll be cooking with gas. needless to say i will be discussing this further with my therapist. im sure she will be amused at this particular story. seriously, it was a kodak moment. lol!

but it was a learning experience and i have to stop flogging myself for making mistakes. mistakes are good, mistakes mean i have another chance to learn and grow. i may be growing slowly with regards to this saviour complex of mine but im inching forward bit by bit. im aware and im trying. im glad its done with raiden and garrett. its a relief. and im not upset either like i wouldve been before. its not about me sucking or not being good enough. its about them not being good enough for me and me finally seeing that fact. perhaps a little late but we all have our own paths to walk.

maybe once i get myself in a better healthier place i will attract healthier people. though in reverse i hope that me attracting apparent sociopaths doesnt mean im a sociopath! lol! i think it was oprah or one of her cronies that said something like you get back the energy you put out into the world. my energy has been kinda fucked up for a while and thats what ive been getting back in return. i have a fucked up energy fuckin tan yo ive been bathing in it so long. so not cool yo.

so yeah. normally i would say yep thats my life, all fucked up, but im gonna refrain from saying that because it doesnt have to be my life. i dont want it to be my life anymore. it is not my fate or my destiny. its my choice.

vote no for fucked up lives in 2006 yo!

moments at the DMV

2006-05-02T14:51:00.000-05:00

Which is where you have to go if you write a lot of checks and have moved (a year ago) so that your checks and driver's license no longer match AND where you have to go if your car registration was due, oh, sometime before yesterday which was the day on which you were to display your new tags on your car.

I'm driving illegally. Breakin' the law.....

I walk in at around 10 am. There are 7 or 8 people in line.

The third person in line is a short older lady with shield-like earrings, which look painful. She is holding a Pomerainian. A 20 or 30 pound dog. In the DMV. The dog is panting, loudly. People ignore the dog as though it's normal to bring dogs into public buildings.

One of the women -- maybe in her 60s? -- standing at the counter finishes the paperwork the young DMV guy handed her and scooches over to the ViewMaster eye-test machine. Young DMV guy asks is she is wearing contacts. She is not. Young DMV guy asks her to read the lines. She does, haltingly. She then explains to Young DMV guy that she can't see in the center, just on the sides. He makes her read more lines. She cannot read the center section of any of the lines. A few minutes later, she is handed a new license.

A younger woman, maybe in her later teens, is standing at the other end of the counter with Old DMV guy. He is reviewing the results of her written test. He marks one answer wrong. She says, "See, on that one I guess. I picked this one because I think when you are driving by a trailer you should go slower." Old DMV guy opens the blue How To Drive guide and points to the speed limits page. The girl repeats that she thinks "if you're driving a trailer you shouldn't go the speed limit because it might be too fast." Old DMV guy points to the book again. She, too, is handed a license.

Is it wrong, at this point, to want to sell my car and stay off the roads?

A smile for Tug

2006-05-02T09:17:00.000-05:00

I LOVE MY JOB!

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!

I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of in all the land.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

morning moments

2006-05-02T08:23:00.000-05:00

After a year hiatus, I finally got the zipper in my beloved backpack fixed. The amount of happy this gives me in the mornings is bizarre; I am overly attached to this piece of cloth. But then, we have 10 years together and it's been on nearly every trip I've taken -- until the zipper gave out. You have to love the Shoe Hospital (not making that up). They fixed it.

Did anyone else get the Netflix e-mail encouraging you to buy used DVDs from them? The one that had Van Helsing on the top of the stack? How would that induce me to buy movies from them? That was one of the WORST movies ever. I'm ashamed to admit I saw it in the theatre, but there were mitigating circumstances -- it was a date and there wasn't much of a selection. I think Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous (she can be on my couch) but am losing faith in her ability to chose scripts. Regardless, I have Netflix so that I don't have to buy movies. Duh.

I am sitting here avoiding what I should be doing -- trying to write 6 minutes (about three pages, double-spaced) of text for a TV interview I need to do LIVE tomorrow. For your amusement, can I add that all three two-minute segments will be taped in the hours before I would normally even be awake tomorrow? It will be a major feat for me to sound semi-intelligent at 5 am.

True Colors

2006-05-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

you are darkviolet
#9400D3

Your dominant hues are blue and magenta. You're the one who goes to all the parties but doesn't quite fit in at every one... you know what you want, but are afraid of what the world might think of it. You're a little different and that's okay with them, and if you're smart it's okay with you too.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

you. just. have. to. laugh. really, you do.

2006-05-01T18:17:00.000-05:00

MY. JOB. SUCKS. I could very well open my mouth this week & either be fired or quit because MY bonus is being held because of something my "boss" did. The week will get much worse before it has ANY hope of getting better. To make me feel better, my mother offered to let me move home. NOT gonna happen. She also suggested quitting & "getting that money that people get when they lose their jobs". Isn't she sheltered-cute? After informing her that you don't get UNEMPLOYMENT when you quit, & if you did it DOESN'T cover the bills, she changed the subject.

So today, as I'm about to lose it, daughter K calls. She makes me laugh. Today's conversation was a quickie, she was headed to her 1 day a week job (it's all she wants so she can be mom the other days), but it reminded me of a conversation a few years back when she was going to school to be a vet tech. She talks VERYfast when excited, I must warn you. And this post should probably be rated not-for-kids.
Me: "How was school today?"
K: "OMG-Mom,-you'll-NEVER-believe-what-we-DID,-it-was-SO-exCITING!"
now we move to the part of the conversation that I swore I HEARD.
Continuing K: "We-(something-something)-anal-sex-with-DOGS!!! (insert Charlie Brown's teacher talking here only FAST & EXCITED because I didn't hear any more after that last statement)
AND SHE'S STILL TALKING! AND EXCITED!! At this point, my world is in slow motion. I have stopped breathing. I'm wondering how quickly the EMT's can get to me. I'm wondering if I can call 911, or if she'll talk right through it & I won't be able to hang up & DIAL 911. I have taken the phone from my ear out to take a look at it. A look of sheer terror/disbelief. She's still talking. SHE'S STILL EXCITED. I still don't hear what she's saying. I don't know that I'm breathing yet. I did NOT raise my daughter this way. Where is she, & what have they done with my daughter?? Is this ILLEGAL? It's sick & WRONG, this much I know. AND SHE'S STILL EXCITEDLY TALKING. To her MOTHER. About THIS. I know we're CLOSE, but UH UH NO. But I'd rather she told me so that I can get her the help she needs.....OMG WHAT DID SHE SAY???

SO. I finally get the phone back to my ear......I still don't think I'm breathing. And I ask. "K, what did you say?" She starts in on whatever the last thing she was talking about was.....I interrupt. "No, about the anal & the dogs". "Oh, we expressed the anal sacs of dogs today". WELL. I'm analSTUPID I guess, I'd never HEARD of such a thing. So she explains it to me. Gross really, but it needs to be done for the poor dogs. It's good for them, someone needs to do it. And as gross as it is, she's loving school & everything involved with it. And SOnot the sick chick I thought she was for a millisecond there. I'm happy. So then I told her what I thought she'd said. and we laughed..........my friend snorted beer out her nose. It still makes me laugh today, when I really needed it. She worked today; she loves her job! Maybe I'll give her a call & see what fun she had. Live vicariously through her & the anal sacs of dogs everywhere. ewwwwwwww.

P.S. They spayed heifers today, not much for funny stories to tell.

Another Homage Post

2006-05-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

I'm easily entertained. And one thing I find entertaining is a blog called "My List is Better".

Apparently, the list boys have deserted all of their loyal fans, so today....I am doing my own damn list.

Favorite Hypothetical Reasons Not to Blog:
Brook
5. Ran out of things to say.
4. Can't remember how to count to 5.
3. Forgot I had a blog.
2. Nobody reads it anyways.....
1. The Dog ate The List.

Chris
5. Drank too many of my favorite beers.
4. Was too busy writing haiku.
3. Was inspired by Mark Base and decided to learn Swedish online instead.
2. Ran out of things to say.
1. I blame Brook.

Posted by Cathy & Kt, actually.

W-T-F?

2006-05-01T08:54:00.000-05:00

I was just called "Babe" by a co-worker. A female co-worker. A female co-worker I don't even like. I have to go vomit now.
Cathy, my name is Cathy. Simple as that.

Poor Kenny G

2006-04-30T20:16:00.000-05:00

you know, i was thinking, i saw a kenny g commercial at like 4am the other night and i realized how shitty it must be to be kenny g. not just because you have to hawk your wares on late-night tv but because you may be the best fuckin sax player in the world at this time yet you are mocked by all. how must it feel to have to go through that??

seriously, i dont like kenny g's music one bit, its just not my thang, but that fucker can blow. hes a very talented dude. i mean, i couldnt play anything like he plays his sax thingy and im sure most people couldnt be as talented as that with an instrument either. yet poor kenny is universally mocked by all and all because he chooses to play sappy adult contemporary sax. how fucking fair is that really?? his choice of music shouldnt diminish his sax talents frankly. he just has bad music tastes is all. really yo.

so, i am officially apologizing to kenny g for any and all jokes i may have made about him. you go kenny g, blow that sax, continue to make saxy adult contemporary music for all of those who like that sort of thing. you are the sax man, kenny, never be ashamed of it!

same goes for you too zamphir. blow those fuckin pan pipes like theyre goin out of style yo. you are the pan pipe master! rock on baby, rock on!

Grow Up Motherfuckers!!!

2006-04-29T23:53:00.000-05:00

you know, seriously, im so over guys. i friggin mention garrett in my last post and out of the blue he texts me again tonight. he wanted to say hi and tell me he got processed at airborne school down in columbus. columbus is the center of all that is evil in this world lately. but i digress. so we're text chatting some about random stuff and then he messages me sumthin like "hey you know i have weekends off and im not far from atlanta." so im like ok well thats your call bro but i am available the next few weekends. i said how bout tomorrow. he replied it was a "school night." he has the start of airborne class monday. so i was like ok how bout next weekend. he was like "id like to but i cant." no more explaination. so i ask him if he wasnt ready yet or what. no answer. what. the. fuck. !!!

i dont need the yo-yo. ive got more shit i need to deal with that is more important than ambiguous leading-on bullshit. dont say sumthin like that if you arent serious yo. i aint playin games. go. fuck. yourself. i can barely deal with myself let alone babysitting immature guys.

go jump out of your fuckin planes and leave me alone.

guys, they are fuckers.

and yes, i know i have done this to myself.

in other news, i went to see united 93. great movie. seriously. though i just about slit a couple peoples throats cause they were acting like children. they were fucking around on their phones and shit the whole time. listen teen fuckers, go the fuck outside if you have to play. this is a movie about a serious topic and you should have more respect than that. really people, we are watching people fucking die in a horrific situation and you are fucking around. no. fucking. respect. at. all.

im so over immature assholes. seriously.

grow. the. fuck. up. motherfuckers. !!!

Mercenaries, Kenny Loggins, and The Da Vinci Code

2006-04-29T13:06:00.000-05:00

i think im finally getting back into things now. i think my meds were really jacking me up. i was feeling totally exhausted and nauseous all the time. i switched my meds to taking them in the evening before i go to sleep and i find myself not dealing so much with the side-effects. i actually get kinda hyper sometimes at night now. theres nothing worse than feeling zombie-like. but ive managed to accomplish some stuff the last couple days and it feels good to be productive. i did the dishes and got the garbage together. i washed my bath mat and hopefully will wash some clothes today. i filled out some applications for police departments. i also filled out a couple online apps for these overseas security companies. if i get hired ill be going to either iraq or afghanistan and earning like $15,000 a month. if i stay overseas more than 365 days its all tax free. im excited about the possibility. a couple guys from work have already been hired and a buddy of mine is also applying. they are apparently looking for cops. fingers crossed. aint adventure and cold hard cash great?! if i get hired would it be misleading to have business cards that said im a mercenary?? lol!

ok, ive been downloading and listening to a few kenny loggins songs lately. does this confirm my insanity??

i just finished my resume, or one version of it at least. theres nothing like doing a resume that makes you realize how much shit you know or have done. i totally forgot i learned how to knife fight in the police academy. i actually know quite a few methods of kicking ass. gotta love it.

im ashamed to say that i bought and read the da vinci code the other day. and im ashamed to say that i enjoyed it. this must definently confirm my insanity. there were some cliched writing parts in it and there were more than a couple of times that i saw things coming but it was one of those breezy beach reads. too bad i wasnt at the beach. and sadly, i will probably go see the movie when it comes out. then again i also get into the movies for free so its not really a biggie. i do have to say that the whole mary as jesus' baby momma is intriguing to me. i can buy it, totally. i havent read the gnostic gospels but i understand they pretty much say that mary was jesus' beyotch. and i can totally buy the church maligning the whole sacred woman pagan tradition stuff. women are too cool, they must be stopped! men and their little cocks, i swear.

but hey, at least i havent bought and read anything by l ron hubbard yet. now that i totally refuse to do. i will not give tom cruise and his minions any money, no thanks. crazy fuckers.

speaking of crazy fuckers, i saw a program today on the rapture. fucking batshit crazy ass people yo. and they are growing in size. very fucking creepy. poor kirk cameron. seriously.

oh i sorta spoke to garrett the other night. for those who arent in the know, garrett is the original army boy who failed to show up for our first date in january and then backed out of the reschedule and said he needed to go off and deal with some shit after having been overseas for a year. hes the minne-soh-tah boy. and when i say spoke i mean texted. he texted me in response to a friendly email i sent him recently. i heard from him a few months ago when he texted me about my infamous "speak my peace" email. we've come to a certain detente (did i spell that right??) and are friendly which im cool with. hes starting airborne training soon and hes still as sassy as he was before. yeah, he so cant resist me yo. its just a matter of time. lol! i know, i know, the faith may be misplaced and totally unearned but its there nonetheless. am i stopping my life waiting for him? no. but if he gets his head straight and really understands and commits to giving it a go will i meet him? yeah. because im a sucker. i admit it. i can feel kt's disapproving glare from here. lol! but you cant win big if you dont gamble big sometimes right? plus its my life to ruin as i want. i think that was a moz reference, sorta.

anyways, i think its off to the bookstore yo. we shall see what crazy shit my meds make me buy today. yes ill blame the da vinci code on my meds. convenient scapegoat yo. lol! and i think me and myles are hitting the movies tonight too. we may go see that united 93 movie or whatever its called. ill keep yas updated.

2:38 a.m.

2006-04-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

I went home from work Wednesday @ noon sick. Weird sick. Aches, pains, stuffy head, sneezing. Flu, cold, all in one. Weird more because I never get sick. NEVER. I have never in my adult life taken a sick day because I was sick. I've taken days for a sick daughter, to take care of my daughter during bedrest and after babies, and took 2 days off for back surgery (qualified for payroll as sick), but never for sick. It just doesn't happen to me. Lucky I guess. I'd rather win the lottery, but I hear to do that, you have to play. Damn rules. Ratbastard lottery cops. So anyway. Wednesday I got home about noon:30-ish, got jammies on, straight to bed. Woke up @ 5 p.m., tummy growling (yet still queasy), had a bowl of cereal, back to bed. Woke up @ 2:38 a.m. EVERYDAMN day I wake up @ 2:38 a.m. Weekdays, weekends, doesn't matter. I go back to sleep, but I still want to know - why this time? NOTHING significant has happened at this time. Is something going to? Is this happening because I've stopped breathing & need to live so I'm awakened to restart my heart? Weird sick got me thinking about weird awakenings......

Coming Soon....to The Deck

2006-04-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

{This is kT in moderator form}

Cathy tried to post here. It didn't work. I failed to fix a broken a href link and couldn't fix it.

Please pardon our technical difficulties. This is apparently the day for it.

more weird dreams

2006-04-27T14:51:00.000-05:00

Second night in a row, with Dr. House. I'm developing quite a subconscious relationship with the man.

This time he's with me as I walk into my house and discover that someone's broken in -- nothing appears to be missing, but odd things have been done to some of my stuff: Nothing that makes sense now that I'm awake, but things that were creepy in the dream. I call the police, but they are unconcerned and say they will "try to send someone by sometime tonight."

It gets weirder from then on it, but I don't feel like sharing more.

The air was like it is just before a thunderstorm, impending, heavy, charged.

dreaming.....

2006-04-26T10:55:00.000-05:00

I had the weirdest dream last night. For me, places are usually quite vivid, people often less so. I have recurring places in my dreams, but these were all new.

I am in a neighborhood – single-family houses, boulevard trees, nice sidewalks. It is sunny, not too hot – maybe early summer, mid-morning. I am running. For exercise or fun. Which is something I never do in real life. I am wearing running shoes and my summer pajamas – a hot pink tank top with short boxer shorts – white with huge pink and orange flowers on them. Totally obnoxious.

I am running. Enjoying the day. A man is running towards me, but when he gets close enough to recognize me, stops, about half a block away. “Hey! You have to come and get that tape I have for you,” he says. I know this guy. We are friends. It’s Dr. Greg House (and no, I didn’t watch the show last night).

We head back to his apartment, joking and talking, flirting. At one point, he picks me up – as a joke (seems to be a thing with guys and me sometimes). We reach the apartment building – a large, 5 or 6 story 1970s sort of faux-Tudor style building. We have a few like that, but not as big, here in town – Cathy’s is one of them. There are at least two stories below ground. We go down. He lives underground. The stairways are open – not separate stairwells, which is actually illegal for a building of this height, according to code (but then, I don’t think anyone lives two stories underground either). The stairs and hall are carpeted in a dull dark beige.

We reach his apartment and go in. There is a young blond woman curled up in an arm chair watching TV. She doesn’t look up when we come in, but I say hi. She looks up. It’s my friend Janet from college, in her shorter hair days. I haven’t seen her since the year after college. We recognize each other, hug, start talking and catching up. House goes to get the tape he promised me.

The three of us stand around chatting for a while, but I have to go. I have a class to go to out in D, which is about two hours west of here and I still need to go home and change (yes, am still in pajamas). We chat like you do after you insist you have to leave, and finally, I leave. I go up stairs. Walk out a door onto a third story porch of some sort where the fire escapes has been detached. I wander the Escher-like stairs and halls a few more times, growing annoyed and a little worried about time, but eventually get out of there. Start to run home, but it gets dark – it’s dusk already. I have totally missed my afternoon class.

I end up in a centre of town “shopping district” type area – you know, like the new “outdoor mall” kind of places they’re building across the country. I’m in an open lobby area of a building at a reception for an art exhibit that has just opened – large colorful post modern works hung somehow suspended from the ceiling in front of the glass walls of this new, totally inappropriate for art, building space. People are mingling, drinking champagne, dressed trendy. I’m still in my pajamas, but mingling (??). At some point, it strikes me that I have to get home now because I’m late. For what, I don’t know. So I leave the “gallery” and head into the night, the lit up faux-brick pavers in this faux-Main Street glistening with dew. I am on the corner of 10th Street and some named street and I need to get to 4th Street (which is how I get home in real life) and in my dream, this is my city, it’s just nothing like where I really live. I figure I’ll walk a block and see if I’m going the right direction by seeing whether I hit 9th or 11th. I have no sense of direction (just ask) and I do this all the time in unfamiliar areas in reality. So I walk. It’s 11th St. But when I walk back, I get lost. I can’t find 10th anymore, but I only walked a block and turned around, so how is that possible? I wander though a dark neighborhood. It starts to rain. I am completely and totally lost.

And then the alarm went off.

I’m really not sure that I want to analyze this, but it’s rare that I have a dream so clear.

because

2006-04-25T16:43:00.000-05:00

anywhere but here.....

I am to be a Gorilla

2006-04-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

"Only 14% of people will be reincarnated as a higher form of life than you.
Remain honorable in this life, and you can expect to be rewarded in your next life. " Bananas are my friend, & I won't have to shave my legs. ;-) On the other hand, I want to be rewarded NOW. In this life - without the dying & starting over part.

Reincarnation Station

2006-04-25T13:23:00.000-05:00

My next life shall be as:

An octopus.

Almost 45% of people will be reincarnated as a higher life form than me.

I'm not perfect, but I've led a better life than most. With a few changes now, my next life could be even better.

Reincarnate yourself!

On the plus side, I do like the water -- 8 arms could come in handy at times --- and I could shoot ink instead of insults......

The View of My Window....sorta

2006-04-25T11:52:00.000-05:00

If you could see through the trees behind the wheel on the left side, you could see my office window.

The other side of the train, looks just like this side. That is what I look at for now. Construction on the new wing starts soon. There better be some hot construction workers.

acceptance

2006-04-24T16:10:00.000-05:00

Go check out this week's selections at Post Secret. See the one with the Peeps? Me.

I am in a stage of accepting that the fun-filled glamourous lifestyle I saw myself having in my 20s was yet another myth. I am not a chic social butterfly. Some weeks I am misanthropic and therefore anti-social.

I spent Saturday on The Deck with a book. I put together some kitchen shelves (pictures if I ever can borrow the work digital again). I watched a little (bad) TV (does one need to qualify Saturday tv as bad or is that redundant?).

I watched Inherit the Wind. I was pleasantly surprised that Dick York plays the teacher. Dick York now joins my list of odd men (actors) that I find myself inexplicably drawn to -- Hank Azaria, Jeff Goldblum, Ryan Stiles, Christopher Walken. They are bizarre and therefore intriguing.

The more I take in of the early Cold War era (mainly the 1960s, but also the later '50s), the more correlations I find between the feeling of the time then and the feeling of the time now. It's a train wreck -- fascinating because of, rather than in spite of, the horror of it. I think the common emotional thread is fear.

Funny, but I feel fine.

Hmmm.....

2006-04-24T15:11:00.000-05:00

Kt bought me one of these:

I just have to wonder if she has an ulterior motive.....hmmmmm.....

This one's for Mark

2006-04-24T12:52:00.000-05:00

Mark always has such nice pictures I decided to share the view from my work. It's one of those gray, rainy/snowy, windy, I-really-wanna-be-home-lazing-around-with-a-fire-going-watching-movies-all-day kinda days. I want my blankie & my pillow. And to be honest, the view isn't much better when the sun's turned up full blast. Mr. Rogers WHO?

Escape Velocity

2006-04-24T12:46:00.000-05:00

well after a slight hiatus im back. thanks for the flowers and the concern. quick update on the last week or so.....

ankle still sprained. out from work until may 10th. thats a good thing. raiden gone. thats also a good thing. im now medicated. still figuring out if thats a good thing. it makes me kinda nauseous sometimes. then again not eating can do that too. im going to a counselor lady. she seems pretty cool. my second session or whatever you wanna call em is tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. i got a letter from the irs the other day. i apparently owe back taxes of about $1800. yeah, not good thing. i also may have lost my last part-time job due to the apt complex being sold to a new management group. no extra money is not a good thing either. seems like everythings goin to hell in a handbasket lately. thems the breaks i guess.

i baked cookies last night. i fucked em up though. i thought i had bought skor pieces but it turns out i bought heath pieces instead. heaths got nuts. skor cookies rock btw, you should really try them. i didnt realize i didnt have skor pieces until id already dumped in the heath pieces. doh. i just put in a bag of choco chips to even it out. i havent tried em yet. i only made a dozen. the rest of the dough is in the fridge.

well my trash was finally taken out. i went out with my friend amy and her kids to the mall. i paid them $10 each to take my trash out. it seriously rocked. little fuckers will do anything for cash. gotta love it. it did really help me out though and they were more than happy to do it. it was a win-win kinda thing.

my dad called me yesterday. that was kinda out of the blue. he doesnt generally call. ever. really. hes in full support of the susan moving back to pensacola idea. he thinks i should just go and move home and have free room and board and go to school for psychology. i told him i hadnt applied to the university in pensacola so i sorta missed the boat on that one. he offered to send money. typical dad move. i can use it though. i dunno, maybe i shoulda applied there. oh well. i just got an email that i got accepted into the masters program at florida atlantic. they didnt mention money though. we shall see.

right now i need to find another job. money coming in is a good thing. and getting out of this soul sucking police dept is also a very good thing. its just hard to reach escape velocity. right now im just so tired and its so easy to just lay about. its easy to not do anything regardless of the consequences. i printed out some applications. now i just need to fill them out. how do i get the friggin motivation? ugh. i gotta find some way to get up and going. i need to talk to my shrink lady about this. maybe its the fear of failure and rejection. maybe im just chronically lazy. do they have a pill for that? at least i bathed today and ate some soup. thats something i guess.

man i am sooooo tired. shit.....

alter

2006-04-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

Say hi to my Muppet alter ego. I forget where I took the "which muppet are you" quiz. I'm sure it's in the archives here or at sand. Doesn't matter. Apparently I'm friendly, benign, and yet a little scarily off my rocker. Friends seem to work with it. It puts others off. Like the Chef, I think I'm speaking clearly, and yet apparently mumble, because others sometimes do not appear to understand or comprehend what I am saying. This surprises me because, when not being goofy or slightly inebriated, I choose my words carefully -- I like them and collect and debate them. They can be as vague or as specific as you choose to use them -- I aim generally for specificity with coy vagueness for color.

At some point, a major part of my life became writing it to try to create order out of entropy. So I end up in the dusk, trying to type with one needy Steve McQueen tabby draped over my shoulder as I try to type and find the words that will translate the babble of Swedish, which I've as yet to learn to speak. I can almost pronounce one very useless word which I'd type if only I knew how to put an oomlaut into this text.

On the upside? One of the unexplainable, words escape me to describe it moments of my week consisted of staring out the window of my Super 8 cell at a giant fiberglass turtle riding a snowmobile. Life is, truly, stranger than any fiction. And words only fail one of them.

Are fruits & veggies Chinese?

2006-04-21T11:50:00.000-05:00

So the one virgo trait I do NOT have is eating healthy. OK, there are 2 - I hate exercise too. I think if I give up all the grease & fat, my body may just fall apart piece by piece. But, with the muffintop I have poking out of the top of my jeans, I've decided I need to do something. So I'm eating carrots (with non-fat ranch dressing), bananas, grapes, apples.....and although they fill me up, it doesn't LAST. Not even an HOUR. So I eat more. and get hungry again. After doing this for awhile, I get pissed & order a cheeseburger & fries with REAL ranch. And the muffintop grows.

With the daughter, mom & grandkids coming in today (no dad or s-i-l) we'll probably eat dinner at the new PF Changs down the road from my house....After fruits, veggies, (no cheeseburger - yet) and then 'real' Chinese, I'm thinking I may lose 20 pounds or so by tomorrow! wish me luck, & may the force be with me.

it's the little things that kill....

2006-04-20T17:25:00.000-05:00

You know that new History Channel series -- moments in history that change the course of history, but are not the BIG moments that people think of when they think of Landmarks In History? Those little bits that go by unrecognized but later can be traced as the start of the ripple-turned-tidal-wave? Well, it got me thinking.

The little things are the basis for most of our lives. We don't, if we are decent people, choose our friends based on their prestige. We find friends based on odd things -- proximity (people you meet at work or school), similar proclivities, shared sense of humor, or the fact that when you said "1960s beach blanket bingo," she was the only person in the room who didn't look at you as though you'd grown an extra head. That opens a door that allows the development or discovery of further shared interests.

In the same way, the little things close doors, too. Those moments in life where a small but significant paradigm shift occurs -- a crack in a formerly perfect facade, a glimpse into a previously hidden corner.

I know that I was intending to go somewhere with this, but the train of thought has -- temporarily -- derailed. When I get it back on track, I'll let you know.

Desparately Seeking Susan

2006-04-20T14:42:00.000-05:00

wait, Madonna's the other blog, huh. Susan, you're awful quiet.....you OK? ARE YOU OUT THERE???

but...but there's a PLACE there! For me! And my Friends!

2006-04-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

apparently? Satan rejected my soul.

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Very Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

Why I am going to Hell

2006-04-20T09:01:00.000-05:00

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	High
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

I really figgered sloth and lust would be much higher. I'm really good at them.

Thinking of Susan

2006-04-19T09:06:00.000-05:00

Here's how a broke college student who doesn't have your address sends you flowers:

I wish I had the magic words, but don't know what to say. Hope you are doing better and know that I'm thinking of you.

Enjoy - - - you don't have to water them.

Peace & Love

2006-04-18T22:32:00.000-05:00

Here I am, Grandmahappy. Double chin & all. Damn K could have nipped & tucked or something before taking the photo........such is life.

Go Without

2006-04-17T10:40:00.000-05:00

whats my problem? why am i so upset about raiden? i mean, thats one of the least issues i have to deal with but still. guy hasnt been much other than shit lately, but im still upset. i wish i could just wash him right outta my hair. ive always held on too long. and i sent him an email last night. im sure he thinks im nuts but ya know i had stuff to say however crazy that may make me seem. i know, emails are never good. but since i cant manage to say much in person i figure email was the best i could do. maybe one day ill stop banging my head on that particuular brick wall. fuck me. seriously. and i do want my tupperware back dammit. i told him that too. maybe he'll mail it. who knows. guess i could always just buy some more. or i guess i could just go without. im pretty good at doing that.

Alive Yet Dead Inside

2006-04-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

i just dont know what to do anymore. ive just about hit bottom recently and it feels like theres no way out of the hole. ive been here before many years ago. i recognize it and i fear it. ive cried more in the last few days than i have in months and i seem to have very little control over it. i seem to be mourning so many aspects of my life. i feel so completely dark and hopeless. i feel like i am a failure, that i can never escape the taint of failure. i have failed in my job. i feel as if my mistakes will keep me from escaping a place that has been killing me for 4 years. if i cannot escape and escape on my terms i will die.

i mourn all of my choices as i feel as if they have all been wrong, so completely wrong. i mourn me because i feel as if i am completely useless and without value. i feel so empty and utterly alone. i have tried reaching out to friends and i feel as if most of them say or do the bare minimum. ultimately i am mine alone. i want to reach out to someone who can just hold me and tell me it will all be ok and who can make me feel safe, but i dont think that person exists in my life right now. i want to reach out to raiden, but alas, i doubt he is reliable and i presume he would freak. i mourn that person i wanted him to be and who i thought he was. i mourn the tupperware i will probably never see again.

i feel backed into a corner, optionless. thats never a good feeling. when you see no options, you see no hope. right now i see no hope. without hope there is only death. if only i was brave enough to do it, to just do it. but i fear for my cats and i fear me messing it up royally and ending up more fucked up than i already am. i need help desperately, but i feel like i am reaching out into nothingness for help that will never come.

i have an appointment with someone on tuesday and i am trying to keep things together until then, but what happens afterwards? and what happens next week and next month? will the hope ever come back like it did before? or is this a spiral i can never recover from? part of me really just wants to be sent someplace where i can just exist, even if just barely, even if in some kind of fog. it would be so easy to be alive yet dead inside. then again right now i am alive yet dead inside and look how hard it is.

i just dont know what to do. i really need help.

my favorite place in the world and a wwmd

2006-04-16T10:17:00.000-05:00

parte un

I bought my house about a year ago. It's a mile from work, walking, and about a pop song driving. It's not beautiful; it's a 1960 ranch house that is currently painted a nice hospital scrub green -- side gabled roof, asbestos shingle siding, mismatched storm window, a giagantic attached garage, and shallow long corner lot. My backyard is tiny, but has a nicely-sized deck and is very private -- on two sides, I have a lilac hedge. On the third, at least on the deck, the back of the garage shields me from neighbors' view. Or would, did I have a neighbor -- no one seems to live there.

I love my deck. It faces south. It is usually close to 20 degrees warmer than the "official" weather channel temperature (according to the cracked moose) and until late afternoon, I have a corner of shade in which to sit, should I so choose. Birds love the lilacs, which are budding, and my cats love to bird watch. I have Cathy's grill -- which despite its rust and loose bolts, smells fantastic when cooking. If I finish its nice coat of new Rustoleum, it will look even better, but I can't seem to confirm that it's safe to use spray paint even on the exterior of a metal surface that's to be heated way the hell up (pun intended).

Granted. There are down sides. The grass back here is patchy and I should reseed. The ground is not level. The gutter on the back of the garage needs to be fixed (for that matter, after the hail storm last year, I need a whole new roof -- should get on that). I live one block from the highway and sometimes, depending on the wind speed and direction, that is louder than others. But this little plot is mine and I can sit on my deck in my pajamas and drink my coffee of a weekend morning, which is about as close to heaven as I'm like to get.
****************************

What Would Moz Do?
What is the proper and appropriate response when someone you love and care about is having one hell of a time, many miles away? I can listen, but I gather we're beyond that stage and into the needing actual assistance stage. The thing that sucks about how I've chosen to conduct my life up to this point is that moving across the country a few times means that you lose all your acquaintances and you end up with widely scattered dear friends that you cannnot truly help in a crisis on short notice. If need be, in an emergency, there's always Northworst and their highway robbery (airway robbery? hmm.) But that option has to be chosen carefully because the above-mentioned deck is attached to a house which is owned by a very nice mortgage company that would like to be paid. I.e. I'm usually somewhat broke.

I guess I just hate feeling useless. I am NOT the person you want with you in a crisis. I was a Girl Scout; I've taken first aid and CPR. I'm not the person who will break down into screaming fits -- I'm the deer in the headlights. If someone tells me what to do, I can do it. Otherwise? I'm about fit for making tea.

me vs. metal

2006-04-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend has oddly been productive. Rather than indulging my typical slothful self in too much sleep and groggily laying on the couch, I've done a majority of the things on the everlasting to-do list. Except for getting Gertie's oil changed, but it's waited nearly a year, so another few days won't make that much of a difference.

But right now, I am taking a break from the epic battle of the garage shelves. I have a huge garage. I think the plan on the property tax website says it's over 700 square feet. But really? Not a lot of storage. So last fall, I bought some of those cheap metal shelves -- just one unit to start with, which I guess was plenty since I've not even put the things together yet. Last weekend, I cleaned the garage and our big "clean up" week is this week -- anything that can be picked up by two men without injury will be hauled away with your regular trash. Cool. I've got my stack of trash ready to go. So I thought that I'd take a break from the costing-money-I-don't-have part of the list and actually put these things together.

Well, you get what you pay for. I bought cheap shelves. They're those stamped metal -- no quality control in production -- "easy assembly" things. Yep. The instructions are five steps long and are only really useful in that they give you an order in which to put the parts together -- you could figure out where everything went with no trouble, but they're 6 or 7 feet tall so a tad bit awkward. These instructions, which are, conveniently, in English that does not appear to have been poorly translated from Japanese, do say that you may have to work with the shelves to get the holes to line up. To be precise, it states, "NOTE: It may be necessary to "press" the post to line up with the holes in a shelf."

Yes, that actually means that you may need to bend the metal so that everything fits. In more than one instance, I have had to use my considerable upper body strength (read: sit on it) to get these stupid holes to line up. I have all the shelves attached. The bracing needs to be added and then all the bolts tightened, but I was frustrated and starting to get angry at the metal and figured that it was better to take a break than work sloppy. All I need are the shelves to just one day come crashing down without warning.

I will prevail eventually. I may be small and weak, but I am stubborn and wiley. Easy assembly my ass.

Where Did All The Time Go?

2006-04-14T13:21:00.000-05:00

All I can say is don't go expecting a whole lot out of me these days, I gots loads of priorities now. The proposal went well, the wedding is set, film at 11. The Next Phase of Life(tm) is here.

Looks like Susan got all the advice she could handle on the Solid Snake--err--Raiden issue, so no comment necessary from me there. As for Kate, to thine own self be true. Other than that tired cliche, looks like you also got all the advice you could handle.

To be honest, sounds like you guys got enough lurkers on here to handle all the advice columns... I always go back to life's too short to stress over every little thing, seems like that sentiment (or parts of it) are cropping up in comments all over the place.

Homoerotic.

2006-04-13T15:50:00.000-05:00

I admit. I wanted to see Brokeback Mountain to see the man-on-man action. It's so taboo that I have a thing about it -- if there were more of it, then it wouldn't be dirty little secrets. And I'm fascinated by how two guys kiss. Which didn't so much happen in the movie.

That said, and brought on by Cathy's Star Trek love fest, may I just ask?

Where have all the cowboys gone? (apologies to Paula Cole).

WTF are Pinky and Daniel? D pops in, is sardonic and we love it, and then he runs away to be someone else fighting dragons or androids or something. Dude. Not cool. Pinky? Announces that he's to be wed and then also disappears. No news on impending nuptuals. I don't know if I spelled that correctly.

Regardless, guys? Come back. Please?

Must be a Full Moon

2006-04-13T13:53:00.000-05:00

I was drunk-dialed last night. From my parking lot. Right in front of my living room window.

Not much was said. I think he realized what he was doing mere seconds after I answered. The call ended quickly. He did call and apologize this morning. I'm not going to think about it.

Mixed Signals

2006-04-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

wow, last night sucked majorly hard. it started off well until i sprained my ankle in the park playing fucking frisbee. that put a damper on things needless to say. the rest of the night was mixed signals and susan being pissy. i of course will explain...

at one point after i had iced my ankle and hung out some i got up and went to pee. i came back and was gonna kiss raiden so i straddled him and went in for the kill. he was having none of it. conversation ensued and came up repeatedly throughout the night. he said he wanted to wait until the moment was right, until it really meant something. i countered with, well you wanted to kiss me last time and the time before so whats changed? he said he was feelin it those times and not so much right now. so i said, so does that mean you arent liking me as much tonight or what? he reiterated the whole i want you to be a special person to me and i want it to be right line. needless to say i pouted for a while. it really hurt my feelings. total rejection. i dont know what to make of his whole special moment line. mixed signals.

then at one point we were fucking around online and i saw he had a yahoo personals window minimized. i made a goofy comment about it and he blew it off. i went to pee again and came back and saw him closing an actual personal ad before i got to the couch. it was some cute girls picture. i asked about it. he said well you have your ad up still and i bet you check it. i told him i really didnt anymore. he said that he answered the one ad he wanted to already (implying my ad). he said that this chick just typed him. i told him he didnt need to hide it from me. i said well i shouldnt be getting upset considering i dont have claim to you at this point. he said well do you want claim? i said well do you want me to stake my claim? he said i asked you first. i said sure i wouldnt mind claim. i then asked him to answer my question and he said yes he wanted me to stake claim. so apparently claim has been staked. yeah i dont know what that means either. but the whole personals ad browsing while im there and then tryin to hide it, not cool. mixed signals.

of course there was also the size 10 womens skirt that was laying on the countertop next to his car keys. i didnt get around to asking about that one. or about the note in his calendar which was laying open on the countertop about karen or kelly or whatever coming in this weekend. may be one of his sisters, but i didnt ask. or it may be an ex-gf seeing as how he still has a mix cd by a girl with the note on it of "heart k." mixed signals.

i really dont wanna be that girl who is like, who is that, whats that, whats going on. yet at the same time i kinda am that girl. when theres mixed signals its hard to build trust. when theres stuff going on like i described its hard to build trust. its hard for me to build trust anyways let alone with all these possible clues popping up. it seems i have swung from dismissing most clues to analyzing everything as if its a clue. ultimately i cannot be with someone i dont trust, but the question is how long do you go to see if trust is there? and how do i address these concerns of mine about the skirt and all that without coming off like glenn close in fatal attraction? if i dont mention them wont they fester? they may fester anyways because whos to say ill believe what he tells me. mixed signals.

he talks a good game about theres nothing he can say or do to reassure me or whatever. and he knows i have trust issues because its been discussed briefly before. so i dont know what to say or do here. when we woke up this morning it was akward. fyi it was just sleep, or no sleep in my case. its awkward anyways but it was really bad. i got the one arm hug. thats not good. not much was said. he asked if i slept ok and i said no that i had a hard time getting to sleep. he asked why and i said i was thinking about a lot of stuff. he asked about what stuff and i said my ankle and some other stuff. he wanted to talk about it and i said that 5:30am wasnt the best time. he dropped it. so yeah, i dont know whats up. i dont know what his deal is and i dont know how i feel about him anymore. mixed signals.

im really havin a hard time right now. the sprain was just injury to insult. im so confused and so afraid. im being a crazy person i dont want to be. how do i make it all stop???

mixed fucking signals.

Vaca cancelled, ISO winos & country music fans

2006-04-12T19:40:00.000-05:00

I am not needed for jury duty. STUPID STUPID STUPID me, IDIOTIC work ethic (I blame my parents & have told them so), I was at work by 9 in the a.m. SUCKA YUCKA day from hell. and life goes on.

Here's what I'm looking for (today). HE'P ME PULEEEZE. Making a project with wine corks, so anyone that knows of a wine with a cool cork, please pass on the info. I've got Garcia (of the Jerry variety), red truck, menage a trois, wild horse, barefoot to name a few, & it should probably be cabernet sauvignon, chardonnay or pinot so I can actually drink it & enjoy. NOT minty cab by the way. Anyone? anyone?

Next search is a country song. I'm making a DVD of a friend's daughter from birth to 16th birthday, & want to put it to a song, & she likes country. Thought of "I hope you dance", love the words, but the song is annoying as hell to listen to. I did one for my kids to Rod Stewart's "Forever Young". Brought tears......but not country. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, thankssomuch!

C'est fin.

2006-04-12T18:23:00.000-05:00

Go read the whole sordid tale at sand in the machine if you want/need to. I'm done with it and over it now.

Maybe communication is key, in a relationship, but no one is completly open at the beginning -- you need to build the trust and get to the point where you know that your words and feelings will be cherished and held in confidence -- and not thrown back in your face in a fight down the line.

Balance

2006-04-12T10:27:00.000-05:00

As further proof of my yin-and-yang theory:

As Susan heads off for her third date and first kiss with Parachute Boy, I have reached the end of the line with DinoBoy.

I had reservations from the start, but for me, that's normal. I've known since Saturday that this should be over -- and soon before one of us gets hurt by it. So now I have to invoke the feared "Can we talk?" which is infinitely nicer than "We need to talk" and tell him. Tell him that this just didn't click for me and I don't want to do it anymore.

This would be easier if he were an asshat. He's not. He's an extremely nice person. He pays attention to me. He's intelligent. He's a truly FANTASTIC kisser. We were good in bed. And he seems into me. All of which conspires to make it harder to say "no, I'm sorry, it's over." It's not him. It's not me. It's just that there isn't to be an "us."

In the early part of the Inferno, we read of Paulo and Francesca, doomed to float for eternity just out of reach of one another as punishment for their indecision, their refusal to take responsibility for their emotions and actions. Right now, I am in that circle of hell. I can end it, but floating has just seemed so much easier. Well, I'm tired of hell, so resolved be it that I find my Virgil and get on out.

Shoop Shoop Bullshit

2006-04-12T00:32:00.000-05:00

well seems im off to columbus tomorrow, or rather, later today. my wack ass schedule really blows sometimes and its gonna be months of wack ass until i get weekends off again. and of course taking days off is impossible unless you ask months in advance. i just dont plan that far in advance usually.

so yeah, muddling through rush hour traffic to get down to columbus to spend a few hours. sucks but thems the breaks. i cant wait another week to see raiden. hes like heroin to me and yes i know thats so un-fonzy. and seems that theres more training stuff hes gotta oversee later in the week. schedules suck. being hundreds of miles away sucks. being such a worrying freakola sucks.

but its first kiss time. if i fuck this up im soooo dead. it has to go down one way or another. i was wondering what, if anything, exactly you can tell about someone from a kiss. do you really think the whole shoop shoop bullshit about "its in his kiss" is legit? i would like to think i am able to convey just how much i like a person by how i kiss them. perhaps thats silly. knowing me, it is. what do yall think? i of course will probably have detailed play by play for ya.

but alas before i can get off to columbus i have traffic court. some jackass wants to argue his ticket for rear-ending a dude last november. why are you wasting my fucking time? i could be spending it worrying about stupid shit like my trip to columbus. lol! my buddy from work says i need to relax and let things take their course and enjoy the moment as it is. i laugh in his general direction. i wish i knew how to do this, relax that is. he says im too smart for my own good in that i think too much. no surprise there. seriously, how do i curb this bad habit? i wanna be more zen and less seinfeld. fuck.

so yeah, date 3. we are settin serious records here for susie-land. let the chicken sacrificing begin.....

Margo had wood!!! and i'm tired.

2006-04-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

I'm a daddy's girl (grandma that I am), I'll just say that rightupfront. But he's awesome! He built me a HUGE wood box last year, & has chopped wood & kept it full for me since. Last winter (& this one) while everyone else is bitching about their heating bills, I'm paying under $40. The only time my heat kicked on at all throughout the winter was during the night when I was sleeping (I'll never make a TRUE pyro & burn while sleeping) - otherwise I had a nice roaring fire with 16" logs (yes, he measures them to fit the fireplace; I have my own stack of wood at his place). Between parental visits here this winter & my trips there, I still have a full wood box. It's been in the 70's & 80's. My car (Margo, short for MargoRita) had her butt full of wood. I had 8+ boxes to take north this weekend (I AM the Easter Bunny ya' know) for the garage sale (giving K time to go through & tag at will). Conundrum. SO, after EIGHT TRIPS up & down THREE FLIGHTS of stairs, my woodbox & porch are full of wood, & Margo is full of boxes. Notsosure where I'll be putting my suitcase, but if worse comes to worse, K & I wear the same size. Her closet, after all, is my fave place to shop! Walmart bag of undies, I'm good. Oh yes, there is room for the Honeybaked Ham I'm taking too. They don't have one of those up there. NUMMERS. All this means is tomorrow I can eat another bag of EasterEgg malted milk balls after all of this exercise - must keep up the muffin top hanging over my jeans.

I got called for jury duty so I'll be catching up on my magazine reading tomorrow too....PATHETIC, but I'm SO looking forward to the day away from the office! WITH NO GUILT - I HAD to do my civic duty! I think I'll be ultra un-biased just to get chosen to serve. My corporate office understands (they know the horrors I endure), & are saying their prayers that I get this mini vaca.....minus the frond boys & boat drinks. I'm pretty sure my cell looks like a weapon, so it'll have to stay home to. shoot oh dear. life is good.

Wanna see my Macarena?

2006-04-11T12:34:00.000-05:00

I first saw part of this movie on the USA network one Saturday morning. I abso-tively HAD to see the full theatrical (R-rated) version, so it was immediately Netflixed. And, being the great friend that I am, shared it with Kt. And my son. My son loved it too and bought it for me. I love this movie. It is my current fave. If I had an extra 90 minutes everyday, I would probably spend it watching this movie. So, Kt's post over at Mental Jukebox, got me thinking. Have YOU seen this movie? Did you like it? And if you haven't....what are you waiting for?

just not right

2006-04-10T15:57:00.000-05:00

Did I miss out on something? Am I the only female human who did NOT get the sap gene? Because I seem to be missing something here that the rest of you get.

Don't get me wrong. When Parachute Boy gets all sapped up like a maple in Vermont autumn, and it gets Susan's nougat-y center all gooed up, I'm happy for her. And, in theory, I get that a well-timed "I miss you" is a good thing to hear. But on an emotional level, I'm lacking some understanding.

I led a somewhat normal childhood. My parents were no more fucked up than anyone else's and much less so than some. I was hugged and told nice things. My mother thinks I'm great, even if I am a stubborn pain in the ass -- and yes, she's say either or both out loud to me to my face. We are, frankly, as honest as we can be to each other without being downright mean. And it seems to work. Neither of us is good with subtlety -- I can do it but it requires effort and she cannot. At all.

Anyway, not my point.

I'm just wondering if I missed a day where they taught you to be the stereotypical "girly girl" for romance. It's beyond me why anyone would put rose petals on a bed. I like candle light -- I do think that's a sexy mood-enhancer. I like chocolate and flowers, but don't know exactly why they're romantic. I've had a few gooey phone calls in my life -- the kind you wouldn't repeat verbatim because a) they'd sound ridiculous and b) because you'd be embarrassed to. But I don't "get" roses, Valentine's Day, tortured gooey phone calls, satin sheets, and the like.

I guess I'm wondering what my uber-practical mind is missing out on. Is it just that I haven't met the person who will make me want to be a cheese ball? Is it just not in me? I feel the latter is true, but people like to say the former.

Are there guys out there who want/can deal with a practical, non-romantic, can't remember an anniversary to save her life kind of girl? If so, where are they? And why do I attract the sweet kind of guy I just don't understand?