Truly Disappointing

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I DO have friends!

I got this in an e-mail today, & had to share:

Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the irrovocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, Your Biggest Fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. .

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's a hot one mamma.



Yes, I’m old. Talking about the weather. Get over it. AND, I’m stealing from the other blog, The Songs In My Head. Fuck. This. Shit. I lived in Phoenix, where it got to 122 degrees. Had a tire blow out – my friend & I went to change it….go to pull it out of the trunk….it was MELTED. TO THE TRUNK. I swear to you I would not lie about MELTED FUCKING TIRES. We fought with it, 2 chickasses sticking out of my trunk….when FINALLY a trucker (with green underwear sticking out the top of his plumber’s crack much less– ewww) stopped & helped (NICE trucker with green underwear sticking out the top of his plumbe'r's crack). MELTED to the trunk. A CAR TIRE. My dash melted & burned too. Can you say a tad TOASTY???
So I moved. Today, in Colofuckingrado? MargoRita, the car, said . Would NOT lie to you about . 107 for the most part on the ride home, but she popped up to for a littlebit there. Like 3 degrees matters ONEFUCKINGIOTA. It’s going to be a long, LONG, summer. btw – would Margo lie to me? No – she’s ALWAYS within a degree or 2 of all the others in town. Margo speaks the truth.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The 4400

This is for you Tug!

The 4400 is an AWESOME show on the USA network. I believe it is in it's 3rd season now. It is about 4400 people who were abducted over the past 60 years and then all returned at the same time. All with new abilities....like pre-cognition, the power to heal, mind-reading, etc.....

It has great characters and an interesting story-line. And, it's on in the summer, when everything else is re-runs! :o)

Tb and I have been watching it since it started. It's kinda-like a set family time.

Seems like this summer is actually going to have some good tv. I'm looking forward to Psych, new Monk episodes, Big Brother All-Stars. Last night watched The Closer (good show) and taped Saved. Geez, I really should get a life....

Monday, June 12, 2006

Take This Job And Shove It, Bitches!

well the verdict is in. i got the job! i got the call at like the ass crack of dawn this morning and the city lady was really calm about it and she couldve just slipped it by me she was so monotone and nice sounding. she was like, "we are really interested in you and i wanted to let you know that you have completed the background process. i know you need to give leave but call me when you know when you can start." i guess i was expecting something like congratulations you got the job or would you like to come work for us or something along those lines. the moment was so un-hollywood. lol!

so yes this woman has been loosed. i am free at last thank god almighty. i typed up my resignation letter today and turned it in. my last day is june 28th. funny enough i set it up so that i get paid for my three off days. gotta love it right?! lol! so now i have to do a couple exit interviews and turn all my gear in and shit. so i officially have 8 days of actually going in to work left. i dont think its all hit me yet. maybe on my last few days or something. im gonna miss my buddies a lot. and of course i am terrified and excited at the same time starting out somewhere new and having to learn the ropes and get to know people and all that jazz. funny enough though i now totally have the tools to deal with it and be sociable and friendly and all that jazz. i partially got that skill by being a cop and having to talk to tons of weird people all the time. plus, the meds help. lol!

so yeah i need to have a great escape party with like a p.o.w./steve mcqueen theme or something. that would be cool. i could have steve mcqueen on the invites. and everyone could come as either nazis or p.o.w.s. yeah i can kinda see the insensitivity of that particular aspect of the idea. perhaps great escape artists like houdini and david copperfield. yeah thats better. we can all get trashed. that would seriously rock. lol! ill have to run that by my buddys and see what we can do.

in other news, my pap smear can back normal. yea, no cervical cancer for me. gotta love it. i also got the doc to prescribe me that new birth control pill, seasonale. its the one where you only have 4 periods a year. i was already taking my regular pills back to back as it is but now i wont run out of pills early and wont have to deal with the insurance not paying for the pills cause i pick up the refills too early. fuckin insurance companies. i gotta tell ya, the pack they come in is seriously cool as shit lookin. there are three tiers with pills and its just cool. youd so have to see it to understand. and i also got on advair which is an asthma med. my asthma is just outta control lately. when youre sitting and you have a hard time getting a breath thats bad. that or youve got a pulmonary edema or something medical-like. i took my first puff of it today so we shall see how that goes. isnt it great getting new stuff even if it is meds? lol! ah new meds smell, yum.

and as for my cross stitch, i started the giant butterflies one. i am progressing slowly, purposefully so. i have a leaf and 3/4 of a butterfly done. im trying to be more zen with it and im much happier about it doing it that way. good times i tell ya.

oh and i got a shit ton done today. went to court (won my hit and run case), tried a kfc chicken bowl (it was ok), went to bank (still have no money), paid overdue bills (oops!!!), picked up prescriptions, dropped off books for amy's husband to use for his fbi test, went to the store and got cereal and bagel bites (they rock!!!), put all my trash into bags (now if id only take it out!!!), and quit my job (fuck all of yall, you bitches, yeah!). yep, time well spent i tells ya. and i caught up on some of my tivo. and i watched the season premier of the closer. brenda fuckin rocks ass yo! and saw the series premier of that new tnt show, saved. not sure about it frankly. well shall see.

oh yeah, as for my date with jack the helo pilot, i dont think he much liked me and i dont think i much liked him. so i guess it worked out. too bad though cause hes kinda cute and ninja skillz are hot. alas, dems da breaks. plus, i dont think i could get serious with a dude who has dated a stripper. something just tells me, ya know?

so yeah, thats been my day. now i think im gonna hit the tub and read some trash (a dan brown novel, lol!). word to your mutha!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The CUTEST thing. awwww


So I've been visiting the kids since Wednesday, & helping K with Heart Squatter #2's 1st birthday. FUN. Not the point. Friday, while SIL was working & K worked 1/2 day, the grandkids & I had fun playing by NO rules (a.k.a. funtime with Grandma). Dog Max was outside playing with neighbor dog, having dogday fun times. THEN, I hear thunder. Max does NOT like thunder. Well, I guess in all the funtime-having with kids inside, I did not hear the 1st thunder. Max did. By the time I heard it, he was GONE. I couldn't find him anywhere. Heart squatter #1 was outside calling him like crazy, about to get hysterical because he LOVES this dog. A boy & his dog ya' know. K came home from work, my Mom came out (we were all heading to "the city" for last minute shopping)........& no dog. You can't go shopping in the city with a missing dog. So we searched. and called. and called. and searched. K, HS #1 & I walked through the forest & woods, up hills, down valleys, talked to neighbors, no dog. Now K's crying. I had JUST been called the BEST babysitter EVER. notsomuch anymore I'm thinking. I've never walked so much in my LIFE. Pouring rain, I'm in sandals & out of my pj's & in DECENT GOING TO TOWN CLOTHES with my hair done & make-up on for goodness sakes......& wet. Soaked to the bone WET. SIL & my Dad came out to help search. During a stop in the house to dry off, make more phone calls & check messages, HS #1 went & got paper (on his own) & wrote this note to put up all over.......he then took it to the printer which (NOBODY knew this prior) makes color copies, & made a bunch. I've crossed out his name & part of the phone number, but you get the message. TOO cute. (Max was found...some nice guy MILES UP THE ROAD had seen him in the middle of the road looking lost & taken him home to safety) (neighbor dog was NO help in the search & cannot be trusted to bring Max home safely any more)