Truly Disappointing

Friday, June 02, 2006


Inventory yet AGAIN. Damn month-end comes each. and every. damn MONTH. who knew! The GOOD NEWS, besides that it's Friday of course, is that 1+1=closeENOUGH to 2 that I will be able to lock myself in my HOME this weekend and HAVE a weekend! Yea, yippee, whoooeeeeeeeeeeeee! Life, my friends, is very very good at this moment.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Woof Woof

sadly, i haven fallen into dog the bounty hunter. for those not in the know, dog the bounty hunter is a show on a&e about a bounty hunter and his bounty hunting family. his name is dog and they work in hawaii. aloha. i never thought id ever watch it because well it sounds jackassy but i guess a&e has been playing the shit out of it lately and i got sucked in. its not bad really. good fluff tv and its something new i havent seen all the episodes of yet. sad, but true. just give it time.

in other news, i pulled out the spotbot and attempted to de-piss my chair. i even unstuffed the pillows and cushions and washed their covers. now im thinking i may cut away some of the pissy parts of the foam from inside the cushions to further de-piss everything. the trick will be to re-stuff the large foam piece into its cover. ill let ya know how that went! lol!

i also finished my butterfly cross stitch as well as my "fuck the dumb shit" cross stitch from the subversive cross stitch book. i seriously need to take pics. if i ever get any money i may buy frames for them. as of right now i dont have enough money to pay rent. our part-time job money hasnt come in and its a month's worth of money which is a lot. im supposed to be picking up my check tomorrow. we shall see. susie's got bills to pay yo.

i also have my therapy session for the week tomorrow. i think i wanna talk about some work stuff and about guys. ive been emailing a couple dudes casually and one of them texted me tonight. i find myself falling into similar thought patterns when it comes to guys. i need to break them. i automatically go into defensive mode and the whole does he just wanna bang me mode. neither of which is healthy. this is a tangled knot i need to undo. i need to learn how to approach things from a healthier point of view. i may as well delve into the guy past with my therapist and start really hitting that yo. ive already addressed the pleaser habit which im working hard to undo, but alas that subject is a minefield of unhealthy thoughts and actions. but thats why i pay my therapist the big bucks yo. let the progress continue.

i spoke to my sister the other night. her world is crumbling as usual. i cant get stressed out about it anymore. shes an adult and she can never manage to get out of her funk. i cant even speculate anymore what her funk may be caused by. i think shes just one of those people who will be kinda fucked up for life. that kinda makes me sad, but thems the breaks ya know. i do feel kinda bad sometimes because she makes an effort to try and be part of my life and to keep in contact and i dont always reciprocate. its just not a natural thing to share my life with my family. maybe i should discuss that in therapy too. couldnt hurt.

as for my insomnia, seems like its going around, even taking the sleeping pills my psych prescribed doesnt help me stay asleep as long as id like. i can manage to fall asleep but i find myself waking up every once in a while and having to make myself go back to sleep. is my body just telling me it wants less sleep? if so then why do i feel sleepy all the time? the same thing happens if i just fall asleep without pills. who knows. its annoying though. i havent had one of those really satisfying deep sleeps in a while. i do notice i have more vivid dreams when i take pills. hmmmm, interesting.

speaking of dreams, it came up last week in therapy about a recurring dream ive had most of my life ever since i can remember. its basically where im trying to talk but i have gum or something sticky and stretchy in my mouth that i cant get out. the dream frustrates me to no end because i really want the stuff out of my mouth so i can communicate but it just wont come out no matter how much i pull at it. this of course could symbolize any number of things, but basically i think its me telling myself im not communicating in the way id like. somehow im muzzled either by myself or something else. this could apply to many situations. its something to continue to think about though.

well anyways, seems i have a migraine right about now. and of course i refuse to take anything for it. im silly. but it hurts when i walk around cause my head moves. maybe my cross stitch is making me go blind and thus causing the headaches. who knows. or maybe im about to stroke out. either way, its bad time and maybe a little reading. ive got angels and demons by dan brown. yes, i know, i should be ashamed. but light reading is good right now. i hope reading doesnt make the headache worse. damn me!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Milk Carton Moment

wow i have to say today was the first day i noticed that kt had extracted herself from the blog and even took mention of it off of her blog. does this mean she has excised me out of her life permanently? i have to say it was a bit of a shock when i noticed. whatever happened to "hold onto your friends"?

while i know that us breaking out of our destructive habits with each other is a good thing, i also miss my friend. ive known kt longer than anyone else in this world who i still keep in touch with. at the same time i dont know if i should try to call or email her. i dont have anything to prove to her about my life and the progress ive been making so i dont want to write something that falls into that bad habit. so i just dont know what to do. am i supposed to wait for her to come back around? im not sure.

im not even sure what else to say.

I Am The Center of My Universe

well i gotta say this weekend has been shit. just a bad time at work is all. i had a minor fender bender with my buddys patrol car and then last night i failed my qualification with my firearm. no biggie really i just have to go through a remedial class friday morning. i was really hoping to just lay low for the next few weeks until i can get outta this place. job update, cause i dont think ive mentioned it really, but i have interviewed and got lie detected and am going for my psych eval next weds for this job in suwanee. im hoping that next weds they will give me the final offer and i will be able to run home and craft a resignation letter and start checking off the two weeks ill have left at this hell hole. another nice thing about leaving where im at right now other than getting my soul back is that i should get a nice big check for my sick and leave days i have left over. i could use the extra money right now. im kinda short for rent this month because my part-time money hasnt been mailed out to me yet. i hate dipping into savings but if you gotta you gotta. money sucks when you dont have it. i need to get used to that. lol!

my cross stitch is coming along. im almost done with the first big project. i also did one of the designs out of the subversive cross stitch book. i need to take a pic of it. its four hearts with f u c k in the middle of them. its cute i thought. i think i may work on the go fuck yourself design next. gotta love it! and i also wanna start reading the quilting for dummies book i got. when i get more cash id like to buy some supplies and give it a try. hobbies rock. lol!

of course i also need to clean my apt and de-shit the cat boxes. i also need to de-piss the chair the cats love to piss on. at this point ive just accepted that that chair will never be totally piss free. ugh. fucking cat bastards. and i also need to get back into running. i was running some before my ankle accident and im seriously not happy with my body. i was running before for a guy which is fucked up so i need to start running now for me. i just gotta take the first step. the first steps a doosey sometimes. lol!

as for therapy, my therapist lady told me last week that she was seeing a huge improvement. thats cool. rewiring your brain is hard but its coming along. im taking back me. funny enough my life does revolve around me. go fig. lol! so yeah, no retreat, no surrender. hoooo-ah.