Truly Disappointing

Friday, May 19, 2006

Are you dead in the desert? Is that why you're calling?

When I moved to Vegas from a VERY small town, my parents were nervous. They knew I needed to get out & away, but O.M.G. I was small town girl moving to the CITY. SIN CITY. My brother-that-I-never-really-got-along-with was there, with a BRANDNEW bride, but they knew - I was basically on my own. With their grandchild. 10yearold grandchild that missed them ohso much. Brother would always be there for me, but we were not destined to be good friends & hang out. So mother called. A lot. When they would come visit (A lot.), they would hear on the news of bodies being found in the desert. dead bodies.in the desert. found.months/years later. They'd go back home, and call. MUCH more often. My mother has to have the wildest imagination EVER. If she didn't talk to me at LEAST every other day....when she finally did, the conversation started with "OMG I'm so glad to hear your voice, I thought you were dead in the desert". SIGH. I'm alive, I just had a LIFE. all is good. she breathes.

So, of course, that's the joke. When my daughter got married, I SWORE to never be "that mother". She has a life. She has a husband. They have a family. When grandchild #1 set up life in my heart, & after nine months, they MOVED. FAR, FAR, AWAY.......(have you ever had to tell yourself how to walk? left foot.....OK, now right foot...you can do it.....left foot..you-can't-have-a-breakdown-here-or-someone-will-make-you-dead-in-the-desert-right foot....get-up-to-your-apartment-&-then-you-can-break-down-left foot......BREATHE-CINDER-GIRL-BREATHE) I would NOT let myself call too often. They are a FAMILY. They have a LIFE. TOGETHER. So what happens? she calls. #1 heart-squatter had done something adorable, or wanted to say "hi" to GammaTitty. (yes, presh!) She also calls during the day since I've been in Hooterville Hell. to see how I'm doing. Today? no call. no work for her, and no call. WEIRD. I'm busy, so don't call her. Tonight, I walk in, phone's ringing. I see her number....pick up the phone......& instead of "hello", I say "SO. You dead in the desert?" She says "no. no desert here". "you?" I say "nope, not today". "See any dead bodies on your way home?" "nope, it was a good day". Dead bodies you say? another day kids, another day. Something to look forward to.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Like MacArthur.....

yes, im back after a brief hiatus. i also have word from daniel. hes still alive and currently in virginia for his new job. he may be moving there but he doesnt know yet. hes hitting quarter life crisis too. how funny.

so yeah, hmmm, where to start? i guess a quick cliffs notes version first. tom, buh-bye. had severe catholic sex issues he just couldnt fucking admit to plus he was immature and couldnt take personal responsibility for his choices and actions. go be with jesus or something please. not my thing, i like being physical and i dont feel too guilty about it usually. and im not a ho for liking to be physical. im going to hell for so many other things, really.

met another guy, craig, but we're just friends. hes a positive guy and is encouraging me to write. he may well have named my first book of essays as well. hes got good points of view on things and has gotten me thinking about a lot of stuff in a different way.

as for my therapist, we are moving along. im seeing her once a week now and im still on meds. i go back to meds lady tomorrow for an update. i wonder if its the meds that are keeping me from staying asleep. i cant sleep lengthy hours like i used to, dammit. but yeah, therapist lady is getting me to see things from a different angle. shes also teaching me to reframe my thoughts so as to slowly change them. i gotta say its fucking hard and sometimes seems slightly goofy and stewart smalley-ish, but im trying. she basically says you gotta fake it to make it sometimes, meaning, you have to get through the rough patch of rethinking things and feeling weird and awkward about it to get to the point where you really start believing it. im trying to remember its about the journey and not the destination.

as for looking for work, my interview with suwanee went well and they gave me an initial job offer. i turned my background packet in yesterday and rode along with one of their guys. the people i met were cool and i actually had a fun time. it seems like a good and healthy place to work. i have my fingers crossed. i also have an interview with duluth tomorrow though i have heard nasty things about them. but hey im out there tryin.

as for kt, well, kts kt. for those not in the know, she sent me a dear susan email basically. i have to say that i disagree with many things she said in the email which of course pissed me off. but hey if she needs to go off then go. my therapist thinks we enable each other with regards to certain things and i think shes right, so time apart is good. it will hopefully help us stop replaying the cycle we get into. and yeah, i dont need to prove jack to kt or to anybody else. thats a bad habit i have to overcome. and i also refuse to put my life on hold while i fix myself. part of fixing myself is applying the things i have learned. im not gonna stop meeting people and living life. all i can do is hope that i will react differently and think differently with new situations and opportunities. i have to stop being a people pleaser! its like psychological practical exercises. so no, i dont apologize for dating tom. he actually helped me realize that you know what, its not always me! it was funny when i realized that but its true. people are fucked up and its not always my "fault" if things dont work out like i used to always think. and he made me realize that at least im aware of my issues and im trying to fix them. some people dont even have a clue. so there was a lesson there, that and i need to stick to my guns and please me first. ive been making some good progress and im hopeful.

so yeah, thats whats been going on so far. im still tooling along trying to get healthy and happy and content. not an easy thing but im trying. im also trying to catch up on my tivo programs. im not usually this far behind. time to fire up tivo before my usual thursday night shows come on. its cliffhanger month it seems. but hey, the closer is coming back soon so i will have plenty to watch come summer. yippee!!!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Here I Go AGAIN!

You Are Apple Red
You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun.And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial.Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well.However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.
DAMN, these things are addictive. This one is pretty damn accurate....kinda scary!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

This one's for Mark. Part Deux


Just so everyone knows that I do get great scenery once a month or so when I visit the fam. (I know you were all losing sleep over it. Glad I could help put a stop to that) This one isn't shoot-myself-ish. ;-) And yes, that's George's profile from Mt. Rushmore.

8. and counting. down.

Today is the day I quit smoking. I have 8 cigarettes left, & then I will be a healthy person breathing clean air. Or attempting to be. Or on my way to being. Next week I will start working out after work - I figured I'll give myself a couple (few) days before starting that. Don't want to stroke out immediately ya' know. I have a grocery list that actually has fruit, yogurt, healthy shit on it. That will come either today or tomorrow. and I've got to say, I'm looking forward to it! So tonight, I'm going to get my hair cut & colored (haven't since last FALL), and then I'm going to clean my car out so it's fresh, and THEN I'm going home to open my windows & clean the smoky house while watching AI & House. fun times. Tomorrow I will be a new person. kinda.

I don't know if it's the right time to stop this sucka habit from hell or not - work is VERY stressful, my brother's doctoring for something unknown he cannot kick, my daughter's back on a heart monitor....but if I keep waiting for a good time, it's not gonna happen. I'm tough, I can do this.

I did warn my "boss" that he'd better be prepared - he thinks I've been a bitch so far in my time here? That was nothin'. Just wait - buckle up, the ride's about to get FUN.