Truly Disappointing

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Italian Tom

well i have a date tonight. yep, a date. tonight. me. with a boy. indeedy. we spent forever chatting online last night and i got no sleep. i have a cop party tonight at amys house and hes coming over after. he sounds motivated. motivated is good. his name is tom. tom from philly. italian tom from philly. he is funny as shit and can follow me quote for quote from movies. i love it! we were quoting hunt for red october last night. he loves that movie too. excellent. on paper he sounds great. kt youll love this, lapsed catholic. oh btw, in case i forget to ask when i talk to you on the phone, isnt it true the vatican allegedly has the largest collection of porn in the world? i swear i heard that somewhere. there was some reason for them to have it but i forget. youre the local catholic expert here yo, settle the debate please.

so yeah, toms a skinny boy. and hes young, 24. i feel so old! lol! but hes very smiley and he claims he can cook and bake. of course he cooks italian food, but hey its something. im not a huge italian food fan sadly but its a start. i mean, he can cook manicotti. i think there are multiple steps involved there. impresses me at least who can barely get the microwaving step right. im just lazy though and in no way retarded or illiterate. lol! and yes, toms in the army. hes getting out in december and wants to go into finance. hes got a degree of some kind which is always good. sadly no beret pics. yeah i was disappointed too. lol! look at his cute little puppy dog mug there. gotta love it.

so yeah we shall see how it goes. fingers crossed. theres no better way to get over a guy than to meet a new guy. i think confucious said that and its so true. ancient chinese secret i think. wish me luck and let the chicken sacrificing begin.

Friday, May 05, 2006

The Mother Theresa Code

ugh for the last couple days i have been helping my friend amy paint her dining room. i hate painting. plus the color yellow we got was more YELLOW than we wanted. ah the things you do for friends, right?

so yes, the phonecall. i did call tara and she called me back. shes in the army too in texas. she met raiden in 2003 while she was still in college. he helped her rotc class out or something. they dated for like 8 months. they went on a 4 day weekend before he got shipped out. apparently he told her later he was going to propose to her on the trip but chickened out. anyways, they get back from the trip and he disappears. there was no word from him until last year. tara of course got sucked back in. he emailed her like every few weeks and told her he would be at her door in december when he got back home. he disappeared again. tara waited and waited and nothing. she finally let him know she was done and now shes with another guy shes crazy about.

basically she explained how raiden is very fucked up from his deployments. he had post traumatic stress disorder from a previous deployment. he would shake at night when he tried to sleep and would have nightmares. tara said at one point after a deployment he did cocaine for two months to try and deal. then after another deployment he drank a bunch. she spoke to some of the guys who served under him and apparently they would follow him anywhere but things changed. the group he was put in charge of had 40 fatalities before he came along. after he took charge they had 5. they saw the worst of things in ramadi. it was implied to tara however that a lot of the guys dont trust him anymore because he was bending the rules of engagement, meaning, he was killing people maybe he shouldnt.

tara says that the war has just changed him. he was a respectful guy who was very caring and attentive and she said from what i said about how he was during our dates and such that that wasnt the carl (raiden's real name) she knew. she thinks his time as a sniper and the accidents hes been hurt in and the fact that hes had good friends get killed and the fact that hes killed a ton of people has changed him. she thinks hes still in war survival mode and just pushes people away and thinks they are a distraction to his survival. she thinks he needs help or else something is going to happen to him or to someone he does something to.

tara also confirmed the marriage and annulment. the girl was a friend of his sister's. she confirmed the accidents hes been hurt in. she confirmed everything basically as being true. the thing that sucks about our conversation is that i really just wanted to hate him and chalk him up as just a total asshole. and i know kt will think im making excuses but dudes fucked up because of his war experiences. doesnt make being a dick and treating people shitty right. but the whole thing just makes me really sad. on the other hand, its not like i see serial killer dudes and think wow isnt it sad how they were probably great kids and then something happened and now theyre fucked up, so why do it here with raiden? hes fucked up, period. probably a lost cause. he hasnt really looked for help and probably never will. he is as he is.

its the mother theresa impulse im fighting. i have got to figure out why i have this drive to help. to fucking go out of my way to help. for no real reason. it even goes back to my regression. remember kt how i told the lady about me being in a field and then there was this little boy and i knew i had to help him but i didnt know why or how or who he was. this is a theme and i have to crack it. the fucking mother theresa code. fuck.

its like an advance in science that was meant for good but is now used for evil. helping is noble and good, but in my hands its evil and rotting and self-destructive. shit. i have got to figure this out. this is a serious issue for me and i have to resolve it in one way or another.

i have got to crack this mother theresa code.

Oh, the Places you'll go!

Speaking of going places, I am itching to travel. My passport is due to expire in August. I haven't used it since 2000 but I will renew it because, if I learned nothing else in college, Kicking and Screaming taught me that you should always keep your passport handy because otherwise you might get stuck at home with Chris Eisenburg (berg?) and a bunch of other guys, all aimless, sharing how many times you've masturbated each day.

What's killing me are the prices of plane tickets. I hate my salary today. On the plus side, I didn't blow my entire savings account (built up for that trip to England that just never happened) on buying my house. So I'm looking.

Anyone with tips on finding great flight details, please share.

And no, Cathy, this doesn't mean I can't go to Vegas. But I am wondering if we should leave you alone with Donny?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

And other places to go....

Besides stalking the cute men's curling team stars, Bemidji, Minnesota also has a Bunyan....Bunyan

Why go to Baker?

Just because it is where Tug & I went to high school? NO! Here is the REAL REASON!

See exactly what it is that makes the trip way out to Baker worth the haul.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Like Sands Through the Hourglass.....

oh dude, it just gets better yo. i cannot wait. so when i did a google search of raiden a while ago a name and email addy popped up. when all of this went down today i decided i would email this person. it was a chick who had gone onto an army website looking for info on raiden. i thought, hmmm this could be interesting if she dated or knew raiden. perhaps she can tell me more interesting stories about him and about his malfunction. so i wrote a goofy email to her, her name is tara, and briefly explained the situation and how i found her name. this is the text of the email she wrote back with her telephone number omitted from the end of the email.....

"There is just too much to talk about in an e-mail. Please give me a call and we can discuss the inner workings of the piece of shit that is Carl. I'd love to hear from you."

isnt that fucking hilarious! i am so calling this girl tomorrow evening. i cannot wait to hear what she has to say. this is turning very as the world turns. i will of course give everyone a detailed description of our conversation. i so cannot even imagine what she is going to say. i bet i barely sidestepped total utter psycho bullshit. thank god i never kissed him. wow. shall we take bets now on what crazy shit she will tell me about?

damn i so cannot fucking wait to call her, ugh!!! lol!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I Think Its Time To Climb Down Off The Cross Yo

you guys are so gonna get a kick out of this one. what a doosie. so anyways, im talking to kt on the phone last night when my caller thingy beeps. i dont recognize the number so i click over. and its raiden. after dumping me and two weeks of in between he calls. he starts telling me the same bullshit of it wasnt me and it wasnt another girl and hes just messed up and cant be with anybody etc. i try to have a conversation with him when we get disconnected. i recall and leave a message and he never calls back.

so yeah im in a tizzy. i was like what the fuck. so anyways, i write another of my famous emails. i go to my therapist today and discuss the whole deal and after i leave i get a bug up my ass. id been thinking about raiden all night and he wasnt responding so i decided i would go down to columbus. if nothing else i would get my tupperware back. so i drive down there. his car is there. i knock on the door. i hear voices. he opens it, i see a woman inside. he sees me and the funniest expression came over his face. i had texted him i was coming but maybe he didnt get them. oh well. lol! so he looks at me in panic and closes the door, leaving me standing outside. dude, at the time it was befuddling but afterwards its fucking hilarious. so i stand there for a second and then knock again. raiden answers again and i say can i at least get my tupperware. he says yes, gets it, and comes outside with it.

i take it and say whats up and whos that? he just looks at me all panicy. i say dude you dont have to lie to me. he asked if we could talk about it later and i said i didnt think that was a good idea because i doubted he would ever explain anything. he then said well i told you i was fucked up and i have nothing else to say. so he went inside and that was it. i opened the tupperware and i swear i dont think he ate one fucking cookie i made for him. so i dumped the cookies next to his car door and left.

yeah it was a stupid fucking impulsive thing to do to go down to columbus but you know it was good. id rather know for sure hes nutz, not that i needed more proof. when somebody tells you theyre fucked up, fucking believe them. i dont wanna be the mother theresa of dudes with mental leprosy anymore. i am choosing to stop doing that and will do my best to avoid it in the future. and in the spirit of that choice i texted garrett and told him i didnt want to be that girl who hung around waiting for a dude who doesnt really want her. erase and erase. buh-bye.

i can choose to be miserable or i can choose to be happy. ive chosen miserable now for ages and its not really workin all that well. so im gonna try the other side of the coin. yeah im sure ill falter here and there but i have to at least try. i do not need the drama, i have chosen it. i can unchoose it too. i have chosen to put myself second behind undeserving fuckers, i can unchoose that too. i deserve more than i am allowing myself to have and thats just plain fucking silly. now i need to figure out why i put myself second and we'll be cooking with gas. needless to say i will be discussing this further with my therapist. im sure she will be amused at this particular story. seriously, it was a kodak moment. lol!

but it was a learning experience and i have to stop flogging myself for making mistakes. mistakes are good, mistakes mean i have another chance to learn and grow. i may be growing slowly with regards to this saviour complex of mine but im inching forward bit by bit. im aware and im trying. im glad its done with raiden and garrett. its a relief. and im not upset either like i wouldve been before. its not about me sucking or not being good enough. its about them not being good enough for me and me finally seeing that fact. perhaps a little late but we all have our own paths to walk.

maybe once i get myself in a better healthier place i will attract healthier people. though in reverse i hope that me attracting apparent sociopaths doesnt mean im a sociopath! lol! i think it was oprah or one of her cronies that said something like you get back the energy you put out into the world. my energy has been kinda fucked up for a while and thats what ive been getting back in return. i have a fucked up energy fuckin tan yo ive been bathing in it so long. so not cool yo.

so yeah. normally i would say yep thats my life, all fucked up, but im gonna refrain from saying that because it doesnt have to be my life. i dont want it to be my life anymore. it is not my fate or my destiny. its my choice.

vote no for fucked up lives in 2006 yo!

moments at the DMV

Which is where you have to go if you write a lot of checks and have moved (a year ago) so that your checks and driver's license no longer match AND where you have to go if your car registration was due, oh, sometime before yesterday which was the day on which you were to display your new tags on your car.

I'm driving illegally. Breakin' the law.....

I walk in at around 10 am. There are 7 or 8 people in line.

The third person in line is a short older lady with shield-like earrings, which look painful. She is holding a Pomerainian. A 20 or 30 pound dog. In the DMV. The dog is panting, loudly. People ignore the dog as though it's normal to bring dogs into public buildings.

One of the women -- maybe in her 60s? -- standing at the counter finishes the paperwork the young DMV guy handed her and scooches over to the ViewMaster eye-test machine. Young DMV guy asks is she is wearing contacts. She is not. Young DMV guy asks her to read the lines. She does, haltingly. She then explains to Young DMV guy that she can't see in the center, just on the sides. He makes her read more lines. She cannot read the center section of any of the lines. A few minutes later, she is handed a new license.

A younger woman, maybe in her later teens, is standing at the other end of the counter with Old DMV guy. He is reviewing the results of her written test. He marks one answer wrong. She says, "See, on that one I guess. I picked this one because I think when you are driving by a trailer you should go slower." Old DMV guy opens the blue How To Drive guide and points to the speed limits page. The girl repeats that she thinks "if you're driving a trailer you shouldn't go the speed limit because it might be too fast." Old DMV guy points to the book again. She, too, is handed a license.

Is it wrong, at this point, to want to sell my car and stay off the roads?

A smile for Tug


I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!

I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of in all the land.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

morning moments

After a year hiatus, I finally got the zipper in my beloved backpack fixed. The amount of happy this gives me in the mornings is bizarre; I am overly attached to this piece of cloth. But then, we have 10 years together and it's been on nearly every trip I've taken -- until the zipper gave out. You have to love the Shoe Hospital (not making that up). They fixed it.

Did anyone else get the Netflix e-mail encouraging you to buy used DVDs from them? The one that had Van Helsing on the top of the stack? How would that induce me to buy movies from them? That was one of the WORST movies ever. I'm ashamed to admit I saw it in the theatre, but there were mitigating circumstances -- it was a date and there wasn't much of a selection. I think Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous (she can be on my couch) but am losing faith in her ability to chose scripts. Regardless, I have Netflix so that I don't have to buy movies. Duh.

I am sitting here avoiding what I should be doing -- trying to write 6 minutes (about three pages, double-spaced) of text for a TV interview I need to do LIVE tomorrow. For your amusement, can I add that all three two-minute segments will be taped in the hours before I would normally even be awake tomorrow? It will be a major feat for me to sound semi-intelligent at 5 am.

Monday, May 01, 2006

True Colors

you are darkviolet

Your dominant hues are blue and magenta. You're the one who goes to all the parties but doesn't quite fit in at every one... you know what you want, but are afraid of what the world might think of it. You're a little different and that's okay with them, and if you're smart it's okay with you too.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.
the html color quiz

you. just. have. to. laugh. really, you do.

MY. JOB. SUCKS. I could very well open my mouth this week & either be fired or quit because MY bonus is being held because of something my "boss" did. The week will get much worse before it has ANY hope of getting better. To make me feel better, my mother offered to let me move home. NOT gonna happen. She also suggested quitting & "getting that money that people get when they lose their jobs". Isn't she sheltered-cute? After informing her that you don't get UNEMPLOYMENT when you quit, & if you did it DOESN'T cover the bills, she changed the subject.

So today, as I'm about to lose it, daughter K calls. She makes me laugh. Today's conversation was a quickie, she was headed to her 1 day a week job (it's all she wants so she can be mom the other days), but it reminded me of a conversation a few years back when she was going to school to be a vet tech. She talks VERYfast when excited, I must warn you. And this post should probably be rated not-for-kids.
Me: "How was school today?"
K: "OMG-Mom,-you'll-NEVER-believe-what-we-DID,-it-was-SO-exCITING!"
now we move to the part of the conversation that I swore I HEARD.
Continuing K: "We-(something-something)-anal-sex-with-DOGS!!! (insert Charlie Brown's teacher talking here only FAST & EXCITED because I didn't hear any more after that last statement)
AND SHE'S STILL TALKING! AND EXCITED!! At this point, my world is in slow motion. I have stopped breathing. I'm wondering how quickly the EMT's can get to me. I'm wondering if I can call 911, or if she'll talk right through it & I won't be able to hang up & DIAL 911. I have taken the phone from my ear out to take a look at it. A look of sheer terror/disbelief. She's still talking. SHE'S STILL EXCITED. I still don't hear what she's saying. I don't know that I'm breathing yet. I did NOT raise my daughter this way. Where is she, & what have they done with my daughter?? Is this ILLEGAL? It's sick & WRONG, this much I know. AND SHE'S STILL EXCITEDLY TALKING. To her MOTHER. About THIS. I know we're CLOSE, but UH UH NO. But I'd rather she told me so that I can get her the help she needs.....OMG WHAT DID SHE SAY???

SO. I finally get the phone back to my ear......I still don't think I'm breathing. And I ask. "K, what did you say?" She starts in on whatever the last thing she was talking about was.....I interrupt. "No, about the anal & the dogs". "Oh, we expressed the anal sacs of dogs today". WELL. I'm analSTUPID I guess, I'd never HEARD of such a thing. So she explains it to me. Gross really, but it needs to be done for the poor dogs. It's good for them, someone needs to do it. And as gross as it is, she's loving school & everything involved with it. And SOnot the sick chick I thought she was for a millisecond there. I'm happy. So then I told her what I thought she'd said. and we friend snorted beer out her nose. It still makes me laugh today, when I really needed it. She worked today; she loves her job! Maybe I'll give her a call & see what fun she had. Live vicariously through her & the anal sacs of dogs everywhere. ewwwwwwww.

P.S. They spayed heifers today, not much for funny stories to tell.

Another Homage Post

I'm easily entertained. And one thing I find entertaining is a blog called "My List is Better".

Apparently, the list boys have deserted all of their loyal fans, so today....I am doing my own damn list.

Favorite Hypothetical Reasons Not to Blog:
5. Ran out of things to say.
4. Can't remember how to count to 5.
3. Forgot I had a blog.
2. Nobody reads it anyways.....
1. The Dog ate The List.

5. Drank too many of my favorite beers.
4. Was too busy writing haiku.
3. Was inspired by Mark Base and decided to learn Swedish online instead.
2. Ran out of things to say.
1. I blame Brook.

Posted by Cathy & Kt, actually.


I was just called "Babe" by a co-worker. A female co-worker. A female co-worker I don't even like. I have to go vomit now.
Cathy, my name is Cathy. Simple as that.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Poor Kenny G

you know, i was thinking, i saw a kenny g commercial at like 4am the other night and i realized how shitty it must be to be kenny g. not just because you have to hawk your wares on late-night tv but because you may be the best fuckin sax player in the world at this time yet you are mocked by all. how must it feel to have to go through that??

seriously, i dont like kenny g's music one bit, its just not my thang, but that fucker can blow. hes a very talented dude. i mean, i couldnt play anything like he plays his sax thingy and im sure most people couldnt be as talented as that with an instrument either. yet poor kenny is universally mocked by all and all because he chooses to play sappy adult contemporary sax. how fucking fair is that really?? his choice of music shouldnt diminish his sax talents frankly. he just has bad music tastes is all. really yo.

so, i am officially apologizing to kenny g for any and all jokes i may have made about him. you go kenny g, blow that sax, continue to make saxy adult contemporary music for all of those who like that sort of thing. you are the sax man, kenny, never be ashamed of it!

same goes for you too zamphir. blow those fuckin pan pipes like theyre goin out of style yo. you are the pan pipe master! rock on baby, rock on!