Truly Disappointing

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Grow Up Motherfuckers!!!

you know, seriously, im so over guys. i friggin mention garrett in my last post and out of the blue he texts me again tonight. he wanted to say hi and tell me he got processed at airborne school down in columbus. columbus is the center of all that is evil in this world lately. but i digress. so we're text chatting some about random stuff and then he messages me sumthin like "hey you know i have weekends off and im not far from atlanta." so im like ok well thats your call bro but i am available the next few weekends. i said how bout tomorrow. he replied it was a "school night." he has the start of airborne class monday. so i was like ok how bout next weekend. he was like "id like to but i cant." no more explaination. so i ask him if he wasnt ready yet or what. no answer. what. the. fuck. !!!

i dont need the yo-yo. ive got more shit i need to deal with that is more important than ambiguous leading-on bullshit. dont say sumthin like that if you arent serious yo. i aint playin games. go. fuck. yourself. i can barely deal with myself let alone babysitting immature guys.

go jump out of your fuckin planes and leave me alone.

guys, they are fuckers.

and yes, i know i have done this to myself.

in other news, i went to see united 93. great movie. seriously. though i just about slit a couple peoples throats cause they were acting like children. they were fucking around on their phones and shit the whole time. listen teen fuckers, go the fuck outside if you have to play. this is a movie about a serious topic and you should have more respect than that. really people, we are watching people fucking die in a horrific situation and you are fucking around. no. fucking. respect. at. all.

im so over immature assholes. seriously.

grow. the. fuck. up. motherfuckers. !!!

Mercenaries, Kenny Loggins, and The Da Vinci Code

i think im finally getting back into things now. i think my meds were really jacking me up. i was feeling totally exhausted and nauseous all the time. i switched my meds to taking them in the evening before i go to sleep and i find myself not dealing so much with the side-effects. i actually get kinda hyper sometimes at night now. theres nothing worse than feeling zombie-like. but ive managed to accomplish some stuff the last couple days and it feels good to be productive. i did the dishes and got the garbage together. i washed my bath mat and hopefully will wash some clothes today. i filled out some applications for police departments. i also filled out a couple online apps for these overseas security companies. if i get hired ill be going to either iraq or afghanistan and earning like $15,000 a month. if i stay overseas more than 365 days its all tax free. im excited about the possibility. a couple guys from work have already been hired and a buddy of mine is also applying. they are apparently looking for cops. fingers crossed. aint adventure and cold hard cash great?! if i get hired would it be misleading to have business cards that said im a mercenary?? lol!

ok, ive been downloading and listening to a few kenny loggins songs lately. does this confirm my insanity??

i just finished my resume, or one version of it at least. theres nothing like doing a resume that makes you realize how much shit you know or have done. i totally forgot i learned how to knife fight in the police academy. i actually know quite a few methods of kicking ass. gotta love it.

im ashamed to say that i bought and read the da vinci code the other day. and im ashamed to say that i enjoyed it. this must definently confirm my insanity. there were some cliched writing parts in it and there were more than a couple of times that i saw things coming but it was one of those breezy beach reads. too bad i wasnt at the beach. and sadly, i will probably go see the movie when it comes out. then again i also get into the movies for free so its not really a biggie. i do have to say that the whole mary as jesus' baby momma is intriguing to me. i can buy it, totally. i havent read the gnostic gospels but i understand they pretty much say that mary was jesus' beyotch. and i can totally buy the church maligning the whole sacred woman pagan tradition stuff. women are too cool, they must be stopped! men and their little cocks, i swear.

but hey, at least i havent bought and read anything by l ron hubbard yet. now that i totally refuse to do. i will not give tom cruise and his minions any money, no thanks. crazy fuckers.

speaking of crazy fuckers, i saw a program today on the rapture. fucking batshit crazy ass people yo. and they are growing in size. very fucking creepy. poor kirk cameron. seriously.

oh i sorta spoke to garrett the other night. for those who arent in the know, garrett is the original army boy who failed to show up for our first date in january and then backed out of the reschedule and said he needed to go off and deal with some shit after having been overseas for a year. hes the minne-soh-tah boy. and when i say spoke i mean texted. he texted me in response to a friendly email i sent him recently. i heard from him a few months ago when he texted me about my infamous "speak my peace" email. we've come to a certain detente (did i spell that right??) and are friendly which im cool with. hes starting airborne training soon and hes still as sassy as he was before. yeah, he so cant resist me yo. its just a matter of time. lol! i know, i know, the faith may be misplaced and totally unearned but its there nonetheless. am i stopping my life waiting for him? no. but if he gets his head straight and really understands and commits to giving it a go will i meet him? yeah. because im a sucker. i admit it. i can feel kt's disapproving glare from here. lol! but you cant win big if you dont gamble big sometimes right? plus its my life to ruin as i want. i think that was a moz reference, sorta.

anyways, i think its off to the bookstore yo. we shall see what crazy shit my meds make me buy today. yes ill blame the da vinci code on my meds. convenient scapegoat yo. lol! and i think me and myles are hitting the movies tonight too. we may go see that united 93 movie or whatever its called. ill keep yas updated.

Friday, April 28, 2006

2:38 a.m.

I went home from work Wednesday @ noon sick. Weird sick. Aches, pains, stuffy head, sneezing. Flu, cold, all in one. Weird more because I never get sick. NEVER. I have never in my adult life taken a sick day because I was sick. I've taken days for a sick daughter, to take care of my daughter during bedrest and after babies, and took 2 days off for back surgery (qualified for payroll as sick), but never for sick. It just doesn't happen to me. Lucky I guess. I'd rather win the lottery, but I hear to do that, you have to play. Damn rules. Ratbastard lottery cops. So anyway. Wednesday I got home about noon:30-ish, got jammies on, straight to bed. Woke up @ 5 p.m., tummy growling (yet still queasy), had a bowl of cereal, back to bed. Woke up @ 2:38 a.m. EVERYDAMN day I wake up @ 2:38 a.m. Weekdays, weekends, doesn't matter. I go back to sleep, but I still want to know - why this time? NOTHING significant has happened at this time. Is something going to? Is this happening because I've stopped breathing & need to live so I'm awakened to restart my heart? Weird sick got me thinking about weird awakenings......

Coming The Deck

{This is kT in moderator form}

Cathy tried to post here. It didn't work. I failed to fix a broken a href link and couldn't fix it.

Please pardon our technical difficulties. This is apparently the day for it.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

more weird dreams

Second night in a row, with Dr. House. I'm developing quite a subconscious relationship with the man.

This time he's with me as I walk into my house and discover that someone's broken in -- nothing appears to be missing, but odd things have been done to some of my stuff: Nothing that makes sense now that I'm awake, but things that were creepy in the dream. I call the police, but they are unconcerned and say they will "try to send someone by sometime tonight."

It gets weirder from then on it, but I don't feel like sharing more.

The air was like it is just before a thunderstorm, impending, heavy, charged.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


I had the weirdest dream last night. For me, places are usually quite vivid, people often less so. I have recurring places in my dreams, but these were all new.

I am in a neighborhood – single-family houses, boulevard trees, nice sidewalks. It is sunny, not too hot – maybe early summer, mid-morning. I am running. For exercise or fun. Which is something I never do in real life. I am wearing running shoes and my summer pajamas – a hot pink tank top with short boxer shorts – white with huge pink and orange flowers on them. Totally obnoxious.

I am running. Enjoying the day. A man is running towards me, but when he gets close enough to recognize me, stops, about half a block away. “Hey! You have to come and get that tape I have for you,” he says. I know this guy. We are friends. It’s Dr. Greg House (and no, I didn’t watch the show last night).

We head back to his apartment, joking and talking, flirting. At one point, he picks me up – as a joke (seems to be a thing with guys and me sometimes). We reach the apartment building – a large, 5 or 6 story 1970s sort of faux-Tudor style building. We have a few like that, but not as big, here in town – Cathy’s is one of them. There are at least two stories below ground. We go down. He lives underground. The stairways are open – not separate stairwells, which is actually illegal for a building of this height, according to code (but then, I don’t think anyone lives two stories underground either). The stairs and hall are carpeted in a dull dark beige.

We reach his apartment and go in. There is a young blond woman curled up in an arm chair watching TV. She doesn’t look up when we come in, but I say hi. She looks up. It’s my friend Janet from college, in her shorter hair days. I haven’t seen her since the year after college. We recognize each other, hug, start talking and catching up. House goes to get the tape he promised me.

The three of us stand around chatting for a while, but I have to go. I have a class to go to out in D, which is about two hours west of here and I still need to go home and change (yes, am still in pajamas). We chat like you do after you insist you have to leave, and finally, I leave. I go up stairs. Walk out a door onto a third story porch of some sort where the fire escapes has been detached. I wander the Escher-like stairs and halls a few more times, growing annoyed and a little worried about time, but eventually get out of there. Start to run home, but it gets dark – it’s dusk already. I have totally missed my afternoon class.

I end up in a centre of town “shopping district” type area – you know, like the new “outdoor mall” kind of places they’re building across the country. I’m in an open lobby area of a building at a reception for an art exhibit that has just opened – large colorful post modern works hung somehow suspended from the ceiling in front of the glass walls of this new, totally inappropriate for art, building space. People are mingling, drinking champagne, dressed trendy. I’m still in my pajamas, but mingling (??). At some point, it strikes me that I have to get home now because I’m late. For what, I don’t know. So I leave the “gallery” and head into the night, the lit up faux-brick pavers in this faux-Main Street glistening with dew. I am on the corner of 10th Street and some named street and I need to get to 4th Street (which is how I get home in real life) and in my dream, this is my city, it’s just nothing like where I really live. I figure I’ll walk a block and see if I’m going the right direction by seeing whether I hit 9th or 11th. I have no sense of direction (just ask) and I do this all the time in unfamiliar areas in reality. So I walk. It’s 11th St. But when I walk back, I get lost. I can’t find 10th anymore, but I only walked a block and turned around, so how is that possible? I wander though a dark neighborhood. It starts to rain. I am completely and totally lost.

And then the alarm went off.

I’m really not sure that I want to analyze this, but it’s rare that I have a dream so clear.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


anywhere but here.....

I am to be a Gorilla

"Only 14% of people will be reincarnated as a higher form of life than you.
Remain honorable in this life, and you can expect to be rewarded in your next life. " Bananas are my friend, & I won't have to shave my legs. ;-) On the other hand, I want to be rewarded NOW. In this life - without the dying & starting over part.

Reincarnation Station

My next life shall be as:

An octopus.

Almost 45% of people will be reincarnated as a higher life form than me.

I'm not perfect, but I've led a better life than most. With a few changes now, my next life could be even better.

Reincarnate yourself!

On the plus side, I do like the water -- 8 arms could come in handy at times --- and I could shoot ink instead of insults......

The View of My Window....sorta

If you could see through the trees behind the wheel on the left side, you could see my office window.

The other side of the train, looks just like this side. That is what I look at for now. Construction on the new wing starts soon. There better be some hot construction workers.

Monday, April 24, 2006


Go check out this week's selections at Post Secret. See the one with the Peeps? Me.

I am in a stage of accepting that the fun-filled glamourous lifestyle I saw myself having in my 20s was yet another myth. I am not a chic social butterfly. Some weeks I am misanthropic and therefore anti-social.

I spent Saturday on The Deck with a book. I put together some kitchen shelves (pictures if I ever can borrow the work digital again). I watched a little (bad) TV (does one need to qualify Saturday tv as bad or is that redundant?).

I watched Inherit the Wind. I was pleasantly surprised that Dick York plays the teacher. Dick York now joins my list of odd men (actors) that I find myself inexplicably drawn to -- Hank Azaria, Jeff Goldblum, Ryan Stiles, Christopher Walken. They are bizarre and therefore intriguing.

The more I take in of the early Cold War era (mainly the 1960s, but also the later '50s), the more correlations I find between the feeling of the time then and the feeling of the time now. It's a train wreck -- fascinating because of, rather than in spite of, the horror of it. I think the common emotional thread is fear.

Funny, but I feel fine.


Kt bought me one of these:

I just have to wonder if she has an ulterior motive.....hmmmmm.....

This one's for Mark

Mark always has such nice pictures I decided to share the view from my work. It's one of those gray, rainy/snowy, windy, I-really-wanna-be-home-lazing-around-with-a-fire-going-watching-movies-all-day kinda days. I want my blankie & my pillow. And to be honest, the view isn't much better when the sun's turned up full blast. Mr. Rogers WHO?

Escape Velocity

well after a slight hiatus im back. thanks for the flowers and the concern. quick update on the last week or so.....

ankle still sprained. out from work until may 10th. thats a good thing. raiden gone. thats also a good thing. im now medicated. still figuring out if thats a good thing. it makes me kinda nauseous sometimes. then again not eating can do that too. im going to a counselor lady. she seems pretty cool. my second session or whatever you wanna call em is tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. i got a letter from the irs the other day. i apparently owe back taxes of about $1800. yeah, not good thing. i also may have lost my last part-time job due to the apt complex being sold to a new management group. no extra money is not a good thing either. seems like everythings goin to hell in a handbasket lately. thems the breaks i guess.

i baked cookies last night. i fucked em up though. i thought i had bought skor pieces but it turns out i bought heath pieces instead. heaths got nuts. skor cookies rock btw, you should really try them. i didnt realize i didnt have skor pieces until id already dumped in the heath pieces. doh. i just put in a bag of choco chips to even it out. i havent tried em yet. i only made a dozen. the rest of the dough is in the fridge.

well my trash was finally taken out. i went out with my friend amy and her kids to the mall. i paid them $10 each to take my trash out. it seriously rocked. little fuckers will do anything for cash. gotta love it. it did really help me out though and they were more than happy to do it. it was a win-win kinda thing.

my dad called me yesterday. that was kinda out of the blue. he doesnt generally call. ever. really. hes in full support of the susan moving back to pensacola idea. he thinks i should just go and move home and have free room and board and go to school for psychology. i told him i hadnt applied to the university in pensacola so i sorta missed the boat on that one. he offered to send money. typical dad move. i can use it though. i dunno, maybe i shoulda applied there. oh well. i just got an email that i got accepted into the masters program at florida atlantic. they didnt mention money though. we shall see.

right now i need to find another job. money coming in is a good thing. and getting out of this soul sucking police dept is also a very good thing. its just hard to reach escape velocity. right now im just so tired and its so easy to just lay about. its easy to not do anything regardless of the consequences. i printed out some applications. now i just need to fill them out. how do i get the friggin motivation? ugh. i gotta find some way to get up and going. i need to talk to my shrink lady about this. maybe its the fear of failure and rejection. maybe im just chronically lazy. do they have a pill for that? at least i bathed today and ate some soup. thats something i guess.

man i am sooooo tired. shit.....