Truly Disappointing

Friday, April 21, 2006


Say hi to my Muppet alter ego. I forget where I took the "which muppet are you" quiz. I'm sure it's in the archives here or at sand. Doesn't matter. Apparently I'm friendly, benign, and yet a little scarily off my rocker. Friends seem to work with it. It puts others off. Like the Chef, I think I'm speaking clearly, and yet apparently mumble, because others sometimes do not appear to understand or comprehend what I am saying. This surprises me because, when not being goofy or slightly inebriated, I choose my words carefully -- I like them and collect and debate them. They can be as vague or as specific as you choose to use them -- I aim generally for specificity with coy vagueness for color.

At some point, a major part of my life became writing it to try to create order out of entropy. So I end up in the dusk, trying to type with one needy Steve McQueen tabby draped over my shoulder as I try to type and find the words that will translate the babble of Swedish, which I've as yet to learn to speak. I can almost pronounce one very useless word which I'd type if only I knew how to put an oomlaut into this text.

On the upside? One of the unexplainable, words escape me to describe it moments of my week consisted of staring out the window of my Super 8 cell at a giant fiberglass turtle riding a snowmobile. Life is, truly, stranger than any fiction. And words only fail one of them.

Are fruits & veggies Chinese?

So the one virgo trait I do NOT have is eating healthy. OK, there are 2 - I hate exercise too. I think if I give up all the grease & fat, my body may just fall apart piece by piece. But, with the muffintop I have poking out of the top of my jeans, I've decided I need to do something. So I'm eating carrots (with non-fat ranch dressing), bananas, grapes, apples.....and although they fill me up, it doesn't LAST. Not even an HOUR. So I eat more. and get hungry again. After doing this for awhile, I get pissed & order a cheeseburger & fries with REAL ranch. And the muffintop grows.

With the daughter, mom & grandkids coming in today (no dad or s-i-l) we'll probably eat dinner at the new PF Changs down the road from my house....After fruits, veggies, (no cheeseburger - yet) and then 'real' Chinese, I'm thinking I may lose 20 pounds or so by tomorrow! wish me luck, & may the force be with me.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

it's the little things that kill....

You know that new History Channel series -- moments in history that change the course of history, but are not the BIG moments that people think of when they think of Landmarks In History? Those little bits that go by unrecognized but later can be traced as the start of the ripple-turned-tidal-wave? Well, it got me thinking.

The little things are the basis for most of our lives. We don't, if we are decent people, choose our friends based on their prestige. We find friends based on odd things -- proximity (people you meet at work or school), similar proclivities, shared sense of humor, or the fact that when you said "1960s beach blanket bingo," she was the only person in the room who didn't look at you as though you'd grown an extra head. That opens a door that allows the development or discovery of further shared interests.

In the same way, the little things close doors, too. Those moments in life where a small but significant paradigm shift occurs -- a crack in a formerly perfect facade, a glimpse into a previously hidden corner.

I know that I was intending to go somewhere with this, but the train of thought has -- temporarily -- derailed. When I get it back on track, I'll let you know.

Desparately Seeking Susan

wait, Madonna's the other blog, huh. Susan, you're awful OK? ARE YOU OUT THERE???

but...but there's a PLACE there! For me! And my Friends!

apparently? Satan rejected my soul.

Greed:Very Low
Wrath:Very Low
Pride:Very Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on

Why I am going to Hell


Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

I really figgered sloth and lust would be much higher. I'm really good at them.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Thinking of Susan

Here's how a broke college student who doesn't have your address sends you flowers:

I wish I had the magic words, but don't know what to say. Hope you are doing better and know that I'm thinking of you.

Enjoy - - - you don't have to water them.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Peace & Love

Here I am, Grandmahappy. Double chin & all. Damn K could have nipped & tucked or something before taking the photo........such is life.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Go Without

whats my problem? why am i so upset about raiden? i mean, thats one of the least issues i have to deal with but still. guy hasnt been much other than shit lately, but im still upset. i wish i could just wash him right outta my hair. ive always held on too long. and i sent him an email last night. im sure he thinks im nuts but ya know i had stuff to say however crazy that may make me seem. i know, emails are never good. but since i cant manage to say much in person i figure email was the best i could do. maybe one day ill stop banging my head on that particuular brick wall. fuck me. seriously. and i do want my tupperware back dammit. i told him that too. maybe he'll mail it. who knows. guess i could always just buy some more. or i guess i could just go without. im pretty good at doing that.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Alive Yet Dead Inside

i just dont know what to do anymore. ive just about hit bottom recently and it feels like theres no way out of the hole. ive been here before many years ago. i recognize it and i fear it. ive cried more in the last few days than i have in months and i seem to have very little control over it. i seem to be mourning so many aspects of my life. i feel so completely dark and hopeless. i feel like i am a failure, that i can never escape the taint of failure. i have failed in my job. i feel as if my mistakes will keep me from escaping a place that has been killing me for 4 years. if i cannot escape and escape on my terms i will die.

i mourn all of my choices as i feel as if they have all been wrong, so completely wrong. i mourn me because i feel as if i am completely useless and without value. i feel so empty and utterly alone. i have tried reaching out to friends and i feel as if most of them say or do the bare minimum. ultimately i am mine alone. i want to reach out to someone who can just hold me and tell me it will all be ok and who can make me feel safe, but i dont think that person exists in my life right now. i want to reach out to raiden, but alas, i doubt he is reliable and i presume he would freak. i mourn that person i wanted him to be and who i thought he was. i mourn the tupperware i will probably never see again.

i feel backed into a corner, optionless. thats never a good feeling. when you see no options, you see no hope. right now i see no hope. without hope there is only death. if only i was brave enough to do it, to just do it. but i fear for my cats and i fear me messing it up royally and ending up more fucked up than i already am. i need help desperately, but i feel like i am reaching out into nothingness for help that will never come.

i have an appointment with someone on tuesday and i am trying to keep things together until then, but what happens afterwards? and what happens next week and next month? will the hope ever come back like it did before? or is this a spiral i can never recover from? part of me really just wants to be sent someplace where i can just exist, even if just barely, even if in some kind of fog. it would be so easy to be alive yet dead inside. then again right now i am alive yet dead inside and look how hard it is.

i just dont know what to do. i really need help.

my favorite place in the world and a wwmd

parte un

I bought my house about a year ago. It's a mile from work, walking, and about a pop song driving. It's not beautiful; it's a 1960 ranch house that is currently painted a nice hospital scrub green -- side gabled roof, asbestos shingle siding, mismatched storm window, a giagantic attached garage, and shallow long corner lot. My backyard is tiny, but has a nicely-sized deck and is very private -- on two sides, I have a lilac hedge. On the third, at least on the deck, the back of the garage shields me from neighbors' view. Or would, did I have a neighbor -- no one seems to live there.

I love my deck. It faces south. It is usually close to 20 degrees warmer than the "official" weather channel temperature (according to the cracked moose) and until late afternoon, I have a corner of shade in which to sit, should I so choose. Birds love the lilacs, which are budding, and my cats love to bird watch. I have Cathy's grill -- which despite its rust and loose bolts, smells fantastic when cooking. If I finish its nice coat of new Rustoleum, it will look even better, but I can't seem to confirm that it's safe to use spray paint even on the exterior of a metal surface that's to be heated way the hell up (pun intended).

Granted. There are down sides. The grass back here is patchy and I should reseed. The ground is not level. The gutter on the back of the garage needs to be fixed (for that matter, after the hail storm last year, I need a whole new roof -- should get on that). I live one block from the highway and sometimes, depending on the wind speed and direction, that is louder than others. But this little plot is mine and I can sit on my deck in my pajamas and drink my coffee of a weekend morning, which is about as close to heaven as I'm like to get.

What Would Moz Do?
What is the proper and appropriate response when someone you love and care about is having one hell of a time, many miles away? I can listen, but I gather we're beyond that stage and into the needing actual assistance stage. The thing that sucks about how I've chosen to conduct my life up to this point is that moving across the country a few times means that you lose all your acquaintances and you end up with widely scattered dear friends that you cannnot truly help in a crisis on short notice. If need be, in an emergency, there's always Northworst and their highway robbery (airway robbery? hmm.) But that option has to be chosen carefully because the above-mentioned deck is attached to a house which is owned by a very nice mortgage company that would like to be paid. I.e. I'm usually somewhat broke.

I guess I just hate feeling useless. I am NOT the person you want with you in a crisis. I was a Girl Scout; I've taken first aid and CPR. I'm not the person who will break down into screaming fits -- I'm the deer in the headlights. If someone tells me what to do, I can do it. Otherwise? I'm about fit for making tea.