Truly Disappointing

Saturday, April 15, 2006

me vs. metal

This weekend has oddly been productive. Rather than indulging my typical slothful self in too much sleep and groggily laying on the couch, I've done a majority of the things on the everlasting to-do list. Except for getting Gertie's oil changed, but it's waited nearly a year, so another few days won't make that much of a difference.

But right now, I am taking a break from the epic battle of the garage shelves. I have a huge garage. I think the plan on the property tax website says it's over 700 square feet. But really? Not a lot of storage. So last fall, I bought some of those cheap metal shelves -- just one unit to start with, which I guess was plenty since I've not even put the things together yet. Last weekend, I cleaned the garage and our big "clean up" week is this week -- anything that can be picked up by two men without injury will be hauled away with your regular trash. Cool. I've got my stack of trash ready to go. So I thought that I'd take a break from the costing-money-I-don't-have part of the list and actually put these things together.

Well, you get what you pay for. I bought cheap shelves. They're those stamped metal -- no quality control in production -- "easy assembly" things. Yep. The instructions are five steps long and are only really useful in that they give you an order in which to put the parts together -- you could figure out where everything went with no trouble, but they're 6 or 7 feet tall so a tad bit awkward. These instructions, which are, conveniently, in English that does not appear to have been poorly translated from Japanese, do say that you may have to work with the shelves to get the holes to line up. To be precise, it states, "NOTE: It may be necessary to "press" the post to line up with the holes in a shelf."

Yes, that actually means that you may need to bend the metal so that everything fits. In more than one instance, I have had to use my considerable upper body strength (read: sit on it) to get these stupid holes to line up. I have all the shelves attached. The bracing needs to be added and then all the bolts tightened, but I was frustrated and starting to get angry at the metal and figured that it was better to take a break than work sloppy. All I need are the shelves to just one day come crashing down without warning.

I will prevail eventually. I may be small and weak, but I am stubborn and wiley. Easy assembly my ass.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Where Did All The Time Go?

All I can say is don't go expecting a whole lot out of me these days, I gots loads of priorities now. The proposal went well, the wedding is set, film at 11. The Next Phase of Life(tm) is here.

Looks like Susan got all the advice she could handle on the Solid Snake--err--Raiden issue, so no comment necessary from me there. As for Kate, to thine own self be true. Other than that tired cliche, looks like you also got all the advice you could handle.

To be honest, sounds like you guys got enough lurkers on here to handle all the advice columns... I always go back to life's too short to stress over every little thing, seems like that sentiment (or parts of it) are cropping up in comments all over the place.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


I admit. I wanted to see Brokeback Mountain to see the man-on-man action. It's so taboo that I have a thing about it -- if there were more of it, then it wouldn't be dirty little secrets. And I'm fascinated by how two guys kiss. Which didn't so much happen in the movie.

That said, and brought on by Cathy's Star Trek love fest, may I just ask?

Where have all the cowboys gone? (apologies to Paula Cole).

WTF are Pinky and Daniel? D pops in, is sardonic and we love it, and then he runs away to be someone else fighting dragons or androids or something. Dude. Not cool. Pinky? Announces that he's to be wed and then also disappears. No news on impending nuptuals. I don't know if I spelled that correctly.

Regardless, guys? Come back. Please?

Must be a Full Moon

I was drunk-dialed last night. From my parking lot. Right in front of my living room window.

Not much was said. I think he realized what he was doing mere seconds after I answered. The call ended quickly. He did call and apologize this morning. I'm not going to think about it.

Mixed Signals

wow, last night sucked majorly hard. it started off well until i sprained my ankle in the park playing fucking frisbee. that put a damper on things needless to say. the rest of the night was mixed signals and susan being pissy. i of course will explain...

at one point after i had iced my ankle and hung out some i got up and went to pee. i came back and was gonna kiss raiden so i straddled him and went in for the kill. he was having none of it. conversation ensued and came up repeatedly throughout the night. he said he wanted to wait until the moment was right, until it really meant something. i countered with, well you wanted to kiss me last time and the time before so whats changed? he said he was feelin it those times and not so much right now. so i said, so does that mean you arent liking me as much tonight or what? he reiterated the whole i want you to be a special person to me and i want it to be right line. needless to say i pouted for a while. it really hurt my feelings. total rejection. i dont know what to make of his whole special moment line. mixed signals.

then at one point we were fucking around online and i saw he had a yahoo personals window minimized. i made a goofy comment about it and he blew it off. i went to pee again and came back and saw him closing an actual personal ad before i got to the couch. it was some cute girls picture. i asked about it. he said well you have your ad up still and i bet you check it. i told him i really didnt anymore. he said that he answered the one ad he wanted to already (implying my ad). he said that this chick just typed him. i told him he didnt need to hide it from me. i said well i shouldnt be getting upset considering i dont have claim to you at this point. he said well do you want claim? i said well do you want me to stake my claim? he said i asked you first. i said sure i wouldnt mind claim. i then asked him to answer my question and he said yes he wanted me to stake claim. so apparently claim has been staked. yeah i dont know what that means either. but the whole personals ad browsing while im there and then tryin to hide it, not cool. mixed signals.

of course there was also the size 10 womens skirt that was laying on the countertop next to his car keys. i didnt get around to asking about that one. or about the note in his calendar which was laying open on the countertop about karen or kelly or whatever coming in this weekend. may be one of his sisters, but i didnt ask. or it may be an ex-gf seeing as how he still has a mix cd by a girl with the note on it of "heart k." mixed signals.

i really dont wanna be that girl who is like, who is that, whats that, whats going on. yet at the same time i kinda am that girl. when theres mixed signals its hard to build trust. when theres stuff going on like i described its hard to build trust. its hard for me to build trust anyways let alone with all these possible clues popping up. it seems i have swung from dismissing most clues to analyzing everything as if its a clue. ultimately i cannot be with someone i dont trust, but the question is how long do you go to see if trust is there? and how do i address these concerns of mine about the skirt and all that without coming off like glenn close in fatal attraction? if i dont mention them wont they fester? they may fester anyways because whos to say ill believe what he tells me. mixed signals.

he talks a good game about theres nothing he can say or do to reassure me or whatever. and he knows i have trust issues because its been discussed briefly before. so i dont know what to say or do here. when we woke up this morning it was akward. fyi it was just sleep, or no sleep in my case. its awkward anyways but it was really bad. i got the one arm hug. thats not good. not much was said. he asked if i slept ok and i said no that i had a hard time getting to sleep. he asked why and i said i was thinking about a lot of stuff. he asked about what stuff and i said my ankle and some other stuff. he wanted to talk about it and i said that 5:30am wasnt the best time. he dropped it. so yeah, i dont know whats up. i dont know what his deal is and i dont know how i feel about him anymore. mixed signals.

im really havin a hard time right now. the sprain was just injury to insult. im so confused and so afraid. im being a crazy person i dont want to be. how do i make it all stop???

mixed fucking signals.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Vaca cancelled, ISO winos & country music fans

I am not needed for jury duty. STUPID STUPID STUPID me, IDIOTIC work ethic (I blame my parents & have told them so), I was at work by 9 in the a.m. SUCKA YUCKA day from hell. and life goes on.

Here's what I'm looking for (today). HE'P ME PULEEEZE. Making a project with wine corks, so anyone that knows of a wine with a cool cork, please pass on the info. I've got Garcia (of the Jerry variety), red truck, menage a trois, wild horse, barefoot to name a few, & it should probably be cabernet sauvignon, chardonnay or pinot so I can actually drink it & enjoy. NOT minty cab by the way. Anyone? anyone?

Next search is a country song. I'm making a DVD of a friend's daughter from birth to 16th birthday, & want to put it to a song, & she likes country. Thought of "I hope you dance", love the words, but the song is annoying as hell to listen to. I did one for my kids to Rod Stewart's "Forever Young". Brought tears......but not country. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, thankssomuch!

C'est fin.

Go read the whole sordid tale at sand in the machine if you want/need to. I'm done with it and over it now.

Maybe communication is key, in a relationship, but no one is completly open at the beginning -- you need to build the trust and get to the point where you know that your words and feelings will be cherished and held in confidence -- and not thrown back in your face in a fight down the line.


As further proof of my yin-and-yang theory:

As Susan heads off for her third date and first kiss with Parachute Boy, I have reached the end of the line with DinoBoy.

I had reservations from the start, but for me, that's normal. I've known since Saturday that this should be over -- and soon before one of us gets hurt by it. So now I have to invoke the feared "Can we talk?" which is infinitely nicer than "We need to talk" and tell him. Tell him that this just didn't click for me and I don't want to do it anymore.

This would be easier if he were an asshat. He's not. He's an extremely nice person. He pays attention to me. He's intelligent. He's a truly FANTASTIC kisser. We were good in bed. And he seems into me. All of which conspires to make it harder to say "no, I'm sorry, it's over." It's not him. It's not me. It's just that there isn't to be an "us."

In the early part of the Inferno, we read of Paulo and Francesca, doomed to float for eternity just out of reach of one another as punishment for their indecision, their refusal to take responsibility for their emotions and actions. Right now, I am in that circle of hell. I can end it, but floating has just seemed so much easier. Well, I'm tired of hell, so resolved be it that I find my Virgil and get on out.

Shoop Shoop Bullshit

well seems im off to columbus tomorrow, or rather, later today. my wack ass schedule really blows sometimes and its gonna be months of wack ass until i get weekends off again. and of course taking days off is impossible unless you ask months in advance. i just dont plan that far in advance usually.

so yeah, muddling through rush hour traffic to get down to columbus to spend a few hours. sucks but thems the breaks. i cant wait another week to see raiden. hes like heroin to me and yes i know thats so un-fonzy. and seems that theres more training stuff hes gotta oversee later in the week. schedules suck. being hundreds of miles away sucks. being such a worrying freakola sucks.

but its first kiss time. if i fuck this up im soooo dead. it has to go down one way or another. i was wondering what, if anything, exactly you can tell about someone from a kiss. do you really think the whole shoop shoop bullshit about "its in his kiss" is legit? i would like to think i am able to convey just how much i like a person by how i kiss them. perhaps thats silly. knowing me, it is. what do yall think? i of course will probably have detailed play by play for ya.

but alas before i can get off to columbus i have traffic court. some jackass wants to argue his ticket for rear-ending a dude last november. why are you wasting my fucking time? i could be spending it worrying about stupid shit like my trip to columbus. lol! my buddy from work says i need to relax and let things take their course and enjoy the moment as it is. i laugh in his general direction. i wish i knew how to do this, relax that is. he says im too smart for my own good in that i think too much. no surprise there. seriously, how do i curb this bad habit? i wanna be more zen and less seinfeld. fuck.

so yeah, date 3. we are settin serious records here for susie-land. let the chicken sacrificing begin.....

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Margo had wood!!! and i'm tired.

I'm a daddy's girl (grandma that I am), I'll just say that rightupfront. But he's awesome! He built me a HUGE wood box last year, & has chopped wood & kept it full for me since. Last winter (& this one) while everyone else is bitching about their heating bills, I'm paying under $40. The only time my heat kicked on at all throughout the winter was during the night when I was sleeping (I'll never make a TRUE pyro & burn while sleeping) - otherwise I had a nice roaring fire with 16" logs (yes, he measures them to fit the fireplace; I have my own stack of wood at his place). Between parental visits here this winter & my trips there, I still have a full wood box. It's been in the 70's & 80's. My car (Margo, short for MargoRita) had her butt full of wood. I had 8+ boxes to take north this weekend (I AM the Easter Bunny ya' know) for the garage sale (giving K time to go through & tag at will). Conundrum. SO, after EIGHT TRIPS up & down THREE FLIGHTS of stairs, my woodbox & porch are full of wood, & Margo is full of boxes. Notsosure where I'll be putting my suitcase, but if worse comes to worse, K & I wear the same size. Her closet, after all, is my fave place to shop! Walmart bag of undies, I'm good. Oh yes, there is room for the Honeybaked Ham I'm taking too. They don't have one of those up there. NUMMERS. All this means is tomorrow I can eat another bag of EasterEgg malted milk balls after all of this exercise - must keep up the muffin top hanging over my jeans.

I got called for jury duty so I'll be catching up on my magazine reading tomorrow too....PATHETIC, but I'm SO looking forward to the day away from the office! WITH NO GUILT - I HAD to do my civic duty! I think I'll be ultra un-biased just to get chosen to serve. My corporate office understands (they know the horrors I endure), & are saying their prayers that I get this mini vaca.....minus the frond boys & boat drinks. I'm pretty sure my cell looks like a weapon, so it'll have to stay home to. shoot oh dear. life is good.

Wanna see my Macarena?

I first saw part of this movie on the USA network one Saturday morning. I abso-tively HAD to see the full theatrical (R-rated) version, so it was immediately Netflixed. And, being the great friend that I am, shared it with Kt. And my son. My son loved it too and bought it for me. I love this movie. It is my current fave. If I had an extra 90 minutes everyday, I would probably spend it watching this movie. So, Kt's post over at Mental Jukebox, got me thinking. Have YOU seen this movie? Did you like it? And if you haven't....what are you waiting for?

Monday, April 10, 2006

just not right

Did I miss out on something? Am I the only female human who did NOT get the sap gene? Because I seem to be missing something here that the rest of you get.

Don't get me wrong. When Parachute Boy gets all sapped up like a maple in Vermont autumn, and it gets Susan's nougat-y center all gooed up, I'm happy for her. And, in theory, I get that a well-timed "I miss you" is a good thing to hear. But on an emotional level, I'm lacking some understanding.

I led a somewhat normal childhood. My parents were no more fucked up than anyone else's and much less so than some. I was hugged and told nice things. My mother thinks I'm great, even if I am a stubborn pain in the ass -- and yes, she's say either or both out loud to me to my face. We are, frankly, as honest as we can be to each other without being downright mean. And it seems to work. Neither of us is good with subtlety -- I can do it but it requires effort and she cannot. At all.

Anyway, not my point.

I'm just wondering if I missed a day where they taught you to be the stereotypical "girly girl" for romance. It's beyond me why anyone would put rose petals on a bed. I like candle light -- I do think that's a sexy mood-enhancer. I like chocolate and flowers, but don't know exactly why they're romantic. I've had a few gooey phone calls in my life -- the kind you wouldn't repeat verbatim because a) they'd sound ridiculous and b) because you'd be embarrassed to. But I don't "get" roses, Valentine's Day, tortured gooey phone calls, satin sheets, and the like.

I guess I'm wondering what my uber-practical mind is missing out on. Is it just that I haven't met the person who will make me want to be a cheese ball? Is it just not in me? I feel the latter is true, but people like to say the former.

Are there guys out there who want/can deal with a practical, non-romantic, can't remember an anniversary to save her life kind of girl? If so, where are they? And why do I attract the sweet kind of guy I just don't understand?

Sound the Klaxon, its a Sap Alert

im the sappiest sappy sap in the realm of sapdom. raiden called tonight and of course it was the two minutes i was out of my car all fucking night long...figures. so he leaves a message. yada yada hes done with the training, yada yada he was thinking about me, yada yada he cant wait to see me again and then...and i didnt hear it the first time i listened to the message, a whisper...after he said ill talk to you later...right at the very end before he hung up...softly, quietly....."i miss you." yep, "i miss you."

i told ya i was sappy.

i think i threw up a little in my mouth.....

Sunday, April 09, 2006

changing personality types in place of hot flashes?

I used to be very laid to lay around for HOURS watching movies from start to finish, reading magazines cover to cover. I used to be able to read a book in a night! I can't anymore. I look in my magazine basket at how many I have "marked" to read this article later.....& they date back to November. And I've CLEANED IT OUT! I couldn't tell you the last book I finished. I love reading, but just cannot get the hammy in my head to STOP. I can't concentrate. I can't sit still through a movie, so I end up watching one 4 times just to get it all. And I'm still lost when people are talking about it. So I go home & watch it again. And today my dilemma is this: for the first time since I moved here 2 years ago, I've got nice fingernails! I want to give myself a french manicure. How do people with type A personalities have nice nails? I'm far too cheap to "get them done". And I can't sit in a salon..... I'll screw them up before they have a chance to dry! I've got furniture to sand & more to paint!! I'm not good at watching paint dry - on my nails OR furniture. Must be doing something all the time.... So what changed me from a relaxed calm person to this Type A insane chick? Could this be my hot flashes? My aunt had hot mom got allergies. The kind where you carry around a kit to give yourself a shot or you could die. She turned blue once, so it wasn't just anxiety attacks, it was real. I guess I'd rather by type A than sweating all day or turning blue. Blue only looks good on smurfs.

Raise Your Hands If Youre Sure (That Youre Bored With My Blathering, That Is...)

well i did it, i went and bought a spotbot. if you havent seen the commercials for it it basically is this thing that scrubs stains out of stuff for you without you having to do anything. i bought it specifically for all of my pet stain "issues." i used up all of the cleaning solution so far and need to buy more but it appears to work fairly well. theres a few areas that probably need another pass or two but most of the pissy stains appear to be gone. when i get more cleaning solution for the machine im gonna try it on my chair. it says it works on that kind of thing. fingers crossed i can get out the pissy in the chair and have it not smell anymore. maybe then i can stop buying smelly cones and sprays in bulk. i hate the smell of kitty piss in the morning...

i also went out tonight to the movies with a buddy from work and unfortunately his wife and kid. they are so annoying. the kid is 9 and is huuuuuge. and shes hyper and retarded as shit. and his wife is a total bitch, a complete shrew. i trudged through dinner and then went to a seperate movie from them. i saw failure to launch. i heard good and bad things about it but i liked it. it was light and breezy and a good time. a movie and not a film. after that i met up with my buddy after his family had left and we saw lucky number slevin. total and complete fucking garbage. theres a "twist" but its no surprise. they telegraph it throughout the whole movie. totally a waste of time. but hey, being a cop and having friends that work a part-time at the theater i got in free. i met the manager tonight and i think he likes me. how funny. i also got to see amy tonight and chat her up some. overall, fairly good times. though sadly part of me wanted to just spotbot my stuff all night long. is that lame or just really ocd??? yeah probably a bit of both...

but i have managed to get a decent amount of stuff accomplished this weekend. cleaning, well some of it, laundry, some of it, haircut, grocery shopping, mailed tax stuff to tax lady, and picked up birth control prescription refill. not too bad really. and it has seemed like the weekend flew by which is good and bad. now if only my week will fly by. somehow i doubt it will, but hey, one can hope right.

and i also have gotten a bug of a plan up my ass lately. well, just tonight, ok, just the last hour actually. ill run it by yall and get your reactions (you too christopher! since you seem to be the only guy contributing lately. and dont worry about hijacking!). this is classic susan which means it may seem good on paper but horrible in execution/reality. i have a bad habit of making grand romantic gestures. i was thinking about the whole kiss thing with raiden. i concocted a plan to go down to columbus this week and kiss raiden before he leaves for PT in the morning which i think is about 0530 hours. id be hanging out on his car, hed come out ready to PT, and surprise its me and its me kissing him like a mothafucka. yeah its starting to seem less and less like a good idea. its totally hollywood thinking i know. the thing is it would either come off really romantic and hot and cute or just plain fucking weird and creepy. i dont need weird and creepy. seriously.

maybe ill just keep chillin out. so far he hasnt called or texted this weekend. i was thinking of just letting it go and seeing when hed finally call. i know, it seems so game-y. but partially its proof to me i can go without contact with him for a while and still be cool. ive been cool thus far, though yes i have been keeping track of how long its been. so i dont know if thats really considered still being cool or not. but so far im not mad about him not calling. i figure hes busy and tired. and really, what it comes down to is, if he wants to call he will and if he doesnt he wont. and if he doesnt call for ages then hes not motivated enough and thus im not interested.

you know, frankly, im kinda getting bored of talking about raiden. its all talk about nothing really. and after a while talk about nothing gets dull. though yes, seinfeld managed how many seasons of it? plus im tired. i dont wanna have my life hijacked anymore and thats kinda what happens sometimes when you meet people. scheduling and expectations and blah blah blah. hijacking i tells ya. boring.

so, all of yall who are totally bored to tears with my raiden-related blathering please raise your hands.....