Truly Disappointing

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Snuggly Rubby (TM)

so yeah, when we last left off the apology and explaination was given and accepted and plans were made for me to travel down to columbus to see raiden. and motherfucker if columbus aint farther than i realized, but then again sitting in a construction-related traffic jam for an hour didnt help. the ride back was good except for a traffic jam in downtown. today was not a good traffic mojo day for me needless to say.

so anyways, i get there and he hugs me. it was nice. we went to eat at this italian joint he frequents and it was ok. im pretty iffy on italian food frankly. we ended up arguing about the womanizer-y-ness of capt kirk from the original star trek. raiden insisted i was not being fair with regards to my harsh criticism of capt kirk and his female suitors. i insisted raiden was a goof for saying capt kirk was not the O.G. playa extrordinaire. yes, i have met a good match for me if i can debate star trek with him. seriously deranged i tells ya. anyways, we ended up later on googling all the 76 original episodes and going through them to count exactly how many times out of the original 76 he got it on with a female. turns out its 30 of 76. yes, i was right. and raiden conceded (as he should have to begin with! lol!).

but anyways, after dinner we went to the park. now for those in the know the park isnt exactly my fun place. im in jeans, a nice shirt, and non-tennis shoe-y shoes, not really fun park attire. plus it was kinda warm. he wanted to throw this frisbee ring thing. i went with it. and of course ended up all sweaty and gross. but i dealt. afterwards we drove around the neighborhood around the park looking at the older houses and cooling off. kt would like the architecture aspect of this portion of the excursion.

so we ended up back at his place. it was funny, i went to the bathroom to pee and make sure i wasnt a total mess and walked back out and he was sitting in the middle of the couch. raiden is so fucking hilarious. i pretty much had to sit snuggly with him which was in no way a problem. and frankly it was kinda nice he did that because im always worried about when i go and snuggly with a guy ive just started "associating" with because i dont want him to think im all clingy and stuff. so the forced snuggle move was nice because it showed he wanted the snuggly. so we basically spent the rest of the night snuggly watching shitty ass tv.

the snuggly chill out was nice. he was rubbing my leg and arm and playing with my hair and holding my hand and all that snuggly stuff. (btw, the emergency barf bags are located in the rear pocket of the seat in front of you, thank you for flying susie air. lol!) and i was all rubby his leg and arm and stuff. at one point we were on the floor looking at his dvd collection and he got all wrestle-y and stuff. it actually turned into a defensive tactics wrestle match thing that only two goofball gung-ho people would enjoy. he tried twistin me around and throwing me and stuff. im quite flexible. it was amusing. and of course a few times he gave me the kissy eyes but he didnt move in for the kill. and me, all tough bullshit and bluster, froze up. i did not grab the brass ring. shame shame! i was just really nervous as shit and i fucked up and didnt fucking kiss him. yes, i suck, seriously.

anyways, we ended up eventually watching robocop which i had not seen in its entirety. after robocop we fucked around on the internet some and googled some upcoming movies and battlestar galactica stuff. i attempted to redeem myself by crawling behind him on the couch as he messed with the computer on the coffee table and wrapping my legs around him. i pulled the whole massaging your back and neck thing. he appeared to have liked it. i then took his hat off, goofy fucking boys and their fucking baseball hats, and was rubbin his head and playing with what little hair he has (the high and tight i mean). he seemed to like that too. his hair is so baby soft, its nice. so we fucked around on the internet, settled the capt kirk debate, and basically were just snuggly rubby.

around 9:30 i got up again to pee and came back out and he said he needed to go to bed. his schedule is a little different from mine so he actually goes to bed at a reasonable hour. plus he said he didnt want me out on the road too late. aaawww. so he gave me a hug and i left. i was kinda hopin hed go for the kiss again because by that time i was so gonna meet him halfway like he intended the couple times before but he didnt bust a move. oh well, such is life. so i got in my car and off i went. he called me about halfway home and we chatted. i mentioned the kiss thing and told him i was really nervous and felt bad about not kissing him. i didnt want him to think i was in any way rejecting him. he was cool. i then told him i take full responsibility next time for the kiss. the balls in my court now. he told me he had an "exceedingly good time" and of course wanted to see me again next weekend. i was of course like hell yeah bitch. so we wrapped it up and he said, "goodnight beautiful." very nice. little cherry on top there yo. yum.

sooooo, that was the columbus trip. i would categorize it as a success despite my pussying out on the kiss. the snuggly rubby has been done so future snuggly rubby is a go. im of course happy about that because i love the snuggly rubby. so basically i cannot wait until next weekend to see him again. i like him more every time i see him. and hes such a nice guy. very funny and smart and laugh-y and sweet. and he likes cheesy 80s music and sci fi. and now i have a 3rd date coming up. wow, i cant remember the last time i had a 3rd date. very cool. and of course theres the kiss. i think i may just answer the door when he gets here, tell him to sit down, straddle him, take off his hat (which im sure he'll be wearing), and just fucking kiss his ass off. and then of course get up and be goofy and casual and ask him where he wants to go eat. lol!

so yeah, that was me and raiden snuggly rubby in columbus. and this is me smiley and happy in duluth.

Apology Offered and Accepted

yes, i am going to come off like some crazed bi-polar nutjob, but things are ok with me and raiden now. he called me just a little bit ago, way past his bedtime, and apologized again. he said he did a lot of thinking today about how he can be when he doesnt feel so hot and he said he has a tendency to sorta not think about other people's feelings, etc. he said he was really sorry about today and understood how i was upset. he said he really wanted to see me today and was sorry he upset me. he said he wanted me to come up tomorrow cause he really really wanted to see me because he had such a good time on our last date. aaaawwww. lol!

seriously though, it was a sincere apology and sounded like he really thought about it. i can respect that. and he insisted on make-up plans so thats something. and then after we talked about the incident, we ended up chatting about more random stuff. he said it made him feel good to talk to me. aaaaawwww. im so easy, i really am. so yeah im going down to columbus tomorrow and we shall see how the columbus trip (take II) goes. sacrifice another chicken for me. though honestly, i think its gonna be ok all on its own.....

Friday, March 31, 2006

Everybody Come Take a Look at The Fucking Fool.....

go fuck yourself!!! i fucking hate guys they are all fucking assholes. i call raiden to tell him im coming down and he doesnt answer so i leave a message. he calls me back as im about to pull out and tells me he left me a message last night. i got no message and my phone doesnt show he even called me. he said his doctor told him he needed to rest one more day. whatever. im always left holding the bag. he said i could call tomorrow and we could play it by ear. yeah maybe ill "call" and he wont get my "message." wouldnt that be a goddamn fucking shame. fuck me i am fucking cursed and im tired of it. and every time this happens it just feels worse and worse. whether its legit or not legit it still makes me feel like a fool and an asshole. what have i done to deserve this over and over???

Friday Funny

My friend, B, just stopped in at my cube and asked how orientation went last night. And if there were any cute men there. Had to explain to her that the school I will be attending is 85% women and 15% men. The average student is a 29 year old woman.

She says, "Bummer."
I say, "Yeah, I already have one of those."
She says, "Yes, you do."
Laughter ensues.

Love you Kt. Just not that way. ha!

Columbus or Bust

well its already tomorrow now, although still my today, and im going to see raiden in columbus. i decided to make him a batch of cookies. after finally finding some goddamn fucking unsalted butter (sorry for the ranting message i left you on your voicemail btw kt!) i finally finished. i tried a small one and it tasted like cookie. i didnt orgasm, i didnt barf, it was just cookie. somehow i was expecting more from alton brown, but whatever. maybe if i try a big one when im hungry ill get the full effect. anyways, its the gesture, right?? i topped them with hersheys kisses (a little joke about him not kissing me the other night). im so cute you wanna barf, right? yeah, me too.

so yeah, im excited. or at least when im not so tired im excited. im in Like and thats good. hopefully everything will go swimmingly. and hey, its my first second date in ages so thats great. and i know that the whole First Kiss (tm) will most likely go down in columbus. i mean, theres been so much build up after all. i told him he better make sure its good with all this build up its been given on his part. lol! me, i know im a goddamn fine kisser, the albert einstein of kissing, the beatles of kissing, you get the drift yo. he may have survived that parachute incident, but he may not survive my kiss. dear lord let him not be one of those snakey tongue or sloppy spitty or jackhammer tongue kissers, pleeeeaaaase! so yeah, ill of course analyze the kiss right here tomorrow night, stay tuned. im sure youll all lose sleep with all the anticipation. riiiiiight. man, i wish i had a telestrader.....

so yeah, im off to do some girl prep and then off to bed. oh, old navy, yeah i went to old navy. note to any chick who isnt stick thin, dont even think of trying on anything that could be described as "gauze-y." i know the whole peasanty gauze-y thing is in, but seriosuly yo, no. the trip was quite demoralizing and i really only got one girly type shirt. the other two were boys t-shirts. yeah i know, bad habits are hard to break sometimes. so yeah, ill figure something out outfit-wise. but anyways, im tired and i should motor. keep yalls fingers crossed yo bitches.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


This is me & T-Bone. He's hot, don't you think? And, dude, he's like TOTALLY all over me.

Such is the brilliance of photo cropping, thanks to Cathy.

Two weekends ago, we were at a bar for a co-worker's birthday. Her husband's band was playing -- they do classic rock covers and can all actually play their instruments which, by our standards out here, makes them worth going to see. Especially when there's no cover.

T-Bone, and yes, that's what the back of his jersey shirt said, was drunk. Capital "D" Drunk. He was having a good time, dancing in the middle of a group of women. I believe in the photo, he was dancing with D, who was behind him (she's short), but you've got to hand it to the photographer, he looks all over me.

Perception is everything, isn't it?

We wonder what T-Bone remembers about this night. We all thought he was funny. So, yes, some random drunk strangers are funny. Not all of them, but this guy was, well, a unique character. The world only needs one T-Bone.

Monday, March 27, 2006

7 deadly sins of the Pizza Hut Buffet

Pride: Kt and I had filled in our pizza hut buffet free lunch cards! What an accomplishment. I'm so proud of us. Eat 6 buffets, get 1 Free!!!!!!!! Today was FREE!

Envy: I'm jealous of the people who got to eat the supreme pizza. Is it too much to ask for a few vegies on the pizza for me???

Gluttony: Salad and breadsticks and cheese and creamy Italian dressing and potato salad and dessert pizza and cavatini and pizza pizza pizza! I won't go into detail. But we did not leave hungry.

Lust: Oh how I wanted some supreme pizza. I longed for it. It makes me feel so good. I did give into the desire for dessert pizza, with lots of oooeey, gooey cherry topping. It was oh-so-succulent.

Anger: There was no supreme pizza on the buffet, DAMNIT. That is my favorite. Of course, it WAS on there when we left. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Greed: It just amazing how fast I can move when a new pizza is brought out. I want it. all. And, because today was free, we got to hold onto our cash!

Sloth: And now, after all that dough and cheese and grease, I am feeling very sloth-like and don't want to do anything.

tired, ennui, blah

It's spring. I woke up to snow.

I'm tired. I'm bored. I hate the general public and I don't want to do my job today. I am completely blah.

I've been having these long, weird dreams -- complicated fabrics of people I've known in the past and some I know today -- and the dreams are all about disappointing people and being too self-centered to be of use to the world. I guess I just feel sort of useless and like I'm not much of a good friend. I know part of that is that I've let a few people just slide out of my life lately. I stopped chasing them down. I stopped being the one to put all the effort into it. I spend most of my time with the few people that I don't have to chase or put effort into it. I'm not a good date right now. I worry that DB and I have run out of things to talk about already -- and that's not a good sign.

I don't like where I am in my head space right now -- I don't much like me. I can't read anything that isn't a good plot-driven novel -- I want to escape into a different world, one in which I am not. Spent the whole weekend reading, pretty much. I can put myself in books in a way that I can't put myself in TV. I guess it's all those years of practice, hiding in my room in my books for so much of my childhood. Maybe someday soon I will want to come out of hibernation. But right now I like my tea and books.

The highlight of my day, and possibly my week: I have a full punch card for the Pizza The Hut buffet. Cathy and I get free pizza today. I'm so going to gorge.

She's Got A Good Personality.....

so, when somebody says they are attracted to you and says that they think you are smart and funny and fun to hang out with does that mean i am now the girl with the "good personality?" yes, having a good personality is a good thing in this day and age of plastic people, dont get me wrong, but everyone knows that when a girl is said to "have a good personality" that means she isnt very pretty. or at least thats what it seems to be.

i dunno, perhaps im just being overly sensitive and just plain wacko lately, but im feeling kinda miffed. i mean, doesnt every girl want a dude to say shes pretty or something like that along with those other things? when somebody tells me im smart and funny and fun to hang out with i feel like im their buddy or something. yeah shes cool and laid back and knows a thing or two about throwing a good spiral, pass the spinach dip..... seriously yo.

i dunno, there was a whole comment the other night by raiden about how the other guys he knows date or are married to such simpletons who are pretty but nothing else. when a guy goes for depth or substance over superficialism does that mean he is compromising on beauty? does a guy think, wow i want a chick who is smart and has a personality, im ok with skimping on the beauty part? is that how the equation works? please i seriously wanna know.....

i dunno, perhaps the few chapters of Good in Bed that ive read have sunk into my brain. basically the book starts out with the main character, a "zoftig" gal, reading a magazine article her ex-boyfriend wrote about loving a larger woman, her. from what ive read so far the ex loved the woman for all of those personality traits like good sense of humor, etc, and he "dealt" with her being large. im sorry but that seems so horrible. its almost like pity. is it like loving a dude with no legs or something and "dealing" with him having no legs and being weird. would you want to be loved by a person like that? i dunno, it just seems offensive somehow and i cant quite describe it.

i dont want somebody to feel like they are burdened by "dealing" with some portion of me. its not like im a retarded baby somebody just spit out and now they have to "deal" with it, ya know. i want somebody who loves me for me, all of me, perfect or mostly imperfect. i dont want somebody to feel like they have to make excuses or apologies for me or something like that. ugh, i dunno.....

raiden said he regretted not kissing me the other night. im not quite sure what that means. im not quite sure what he thinks really. and even if he told me would i believe it? ah thats the 100,000 pyramid question yo. the category is susan- someone who cant trust.....someone who finds it hard to open up to people.....someone who doesnt want to get fucked over again.....someone who continues to struggle with herself.....someone who cant take things at face value..... (and i realize that anyone not familiar with 100,000 pyramid may find that last section a little the reruns on gameshow network, yo).

so yeah, im miffed about everything right now. just in a miffy mood i guess. maybe im pre-menstrual. i do have a tendency to get all pissy and cry-y about nothing during this period...pardon the pun. whatever. im going to hit the treadmill in what may be a failed effort to stop feeling so shitty about my pre-zoftig condition. im on the road to serious zoftig and im not cool with that. ugh. i hate feeling sausage-y. i aint jimmy dean yo. so anyways.....

Sunday, March 26, 2006

First Date With Raiden- The Post Show

so, raiden came up. yes ladies and gentlemen he actually showed up. im ahead of the curve already with that! lol! he looks like his pics in person which is good. he claims his eyes are hazel, but i think theyre blue. hazel is such bullshit, but thats another post for another time. and hes got these crinklies underneath his eyes. im not sure how else to describe it other than crinklies. its interesting. and he also claims to be 6'00" though he seems slightly over my height but not much. perhaps hes just one of those taller dudes that appears less tall. i know, bizarre phenomenon, but alas, another post for another time.

so anyways, we went to eat at pf changs. fairly good food but more expensive than average chinese and less portions. yes i know it was not an inspired choice but hey name me something better. theres great stuff downtown but i didnt feel like making the drive so pf changs it was. we talked about a wide variety of things including his years milking cows on the farm, how they castrate bulls, and various issues surrounding the war. we also discussed the conspiracy theory about the council of 12 that controls the world. yes, it was a bizarre conversation. raiden is very smart though i gotta give him that. after pf changs we drove around some and continued to chat. we then decided to go and see v for vendetta. good movie actually. id recommend it. it could be perceived as slightly heavy handed depending on your mood, but i dug it. after the movie we went back to my place.

we basically just hung out on my couch. raidens very hard to read so i wasnt sure what the deal was. i kinda figured he was into me cause he would every once in a while touch me. not like in a nasty touch way but like smacking my arm or leg or something if i said something cheeky. i know, it sounds so gay, but hey hes a guy, what do you want? lol! at one point it came up that he was shot in afghanistan. im sure i misspelled that. anyways, he showed me his bullet wound on his arm. that cat has been through almost everything a dude could be through other than getting run over or something (i asked bout that and he confirmed that he had not in fact been run over, lol!). so anyways, it eventually got kinda late for a dude with regular business hours (unlike me) and he had to drive back to columbus so he left.

after he had left i texted him to be goofy. and yes, because texting is so much easier than asking in person, i know i suck. so i texted him, "so?" and of course he called. he told me he had a great time and would definently like to see me again. he said he didnt really want to leave, but he had to because he was tired. a little while later he called again to tell me that he wanted to kiss me when he left but he wasnt sure if it would have been too forward of him. he said he had been thinking about it all the way back to columbus. aaaaww thats nice.

so yeah, that was the date with raiden. im not quite sure what to think. i think im thrown off by him some because he is so hard to read. im always wary of people like that. though if you ask him shit he will tell you so its not an emotional availability thing, he just doesnt telegraph shit like i do, or at least as much. i asked him bout that and he said he was pretty much just feeling things out. and as for me, i was off my game for a decent amount of the time. i woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and had an unpretty day. you know, one of those days where it doesnt matter what you do or what you wear you feel awkward and unpretty. that of course does not help the date mojo usually. but i pushed through it and dealt. of course hiding in my dark grey old navy performance fleece helped. plus it was chilly so it was warranted. i was just feeling slightly sausage-y and that sucks. but hey, apparently i managed to seriously woo raiden even in my old navy performance fleece, go me. lol!

so yeah, i will see him again and i have no doubt he will not blow me off. he seems very standup like that. but i think ultimately the jury is still out. i just get the impression theres more to see here. i kinda feel like he puts up a little of a facade, but then again we all do. i think once we get more comfortable (and i feel slightly less sausage-y, lol!) that perhaps i can get a better read on him. i dunno, i think perhaps im where kt was with "brad" (my name for him, lol!) a few weeks ago, not 100% sure but willing to kinda wait and see. it is ok to not be head over heels right now, right?

i dunno, i think its a matter of both of us holding back some. its kinda like that phenomenon where you find out somebody likes you and you start thinking about it and you start liking that person, ya know? maybe if he had been more overt i woulda responded in kind? i think thats partially it. perhaps its just more of a slow simmer cooking its way up to a boil. either way im gonna wait and see. hes a good guy who has a beret and ninja skillz and he apparently likes me. how often does that come around, right? lol! so yeah, thats the date with raiden.....