Truly Disappointing

Saturday, March 11, 2006

step back

Dude, Susan, yes, step back. I don't know why you're emotional, but it has nothing to do with a "hidden" blog. You knew it was out there and being as you're all way more techno than I am, I figured if you were interested, you'd find it. I post on it because I'm more written verbal than I am oral verbal -- you know that. Shit, I wrote you letters when we lived in the same 12x15 cell. The blog is linked through my profile on blogger. But hey, if it helps, I post stuff on there I'm just not ready to say outloud. I can write it, but not always speak it. If you were left out, it was because you didn't go looking. If I really didn't want you to know that my other blog existed, I'd never have mentioned it. Totally not an issue if your detective/spidey senses didn't engage -- not for me, at least. This is more of a discussion blog. It's not all about me and some of the things that are going on aren't for discussion -- they just are. I've never wanted everyone's opinion on whatever issues I have -- that's a major difference between us. Not bad, not good, just different.

For the record, I don't think we have any outside readers.

Re: "stood up." Is there a distance/time factor? An out-of-town trip takes longer to plan and engage. So the night before? To me? Still standing up. You either do or don't. Back off if you need to, which is what stand up #1 was. But don't re-engage if you're not ready (this is what, engagement round 5?)

I totally understand personal reservations. I am queen of the step forward -- two steps back emotional dance. But you can't really step back without engaging at some level, can you? Your boy is doing an extreme version of the two-step and it's jerking you around, in my opinion, which is BS.

There are always transitions. My life has been weird this year. I've spent most of 2006 sick. I started the year well -- up beat and feeling all large and in charge. My body, the medical and insurance systems, and my seagull boss have beaten me down. And yet, I'm not ready to give up because damnit, I do have some control in this chaos! We've been friends for over 10 years. We've gone years without talking much. I don't think this is one of those times, but I don't expect the frequency of communication to change the friendship part. I've got your six if you need me.

I'm sorry you felt out of the loop. I can't remedy that, but I can say that it wasn't intentional.

Emotional Rollercoaster

i gotta be honest, im a little sad about kts blog. she mentioned it before and i wanna say she said it was for herself but shit everybodys been over there on it and commenting. i just found it today and read through some of the posts. i feel so left out. theres stuff in there i didnt know about. as somebody who sees herself as a close friend of kt i feel shitty. maybe im just in one of those moods. i have been a little more verklempty lately. but that explains why her posts here arent very big. and shit, do we not have outside readers? nobody new ever posts comments here. is this blog that shitty? kt doesnt even have a link to it on her blog. am i that uninteresting?! please people of the blogosphere lemme know just what you think...

are we going through a phase of growing apart? then again who am i not growing away from these days. i become more and more insular as the weeks pass it seems. its just that i view kt as one of my best friends and it hurts to think im not included. perhaps im just being irrational. i dunno. this is the emotional it go up, watch it go down.....

Garrett-gate, Part Deux

as for being stood up, technically garrett only stood me up once when he failed to show up that saturday. the second time is not technically a stand up. he called the night before and told me he was not coming. i believe a stand up is when they dont show up that day is it not? or do we need to forge a definitive definition here? im up for debate on the subject.

i talked to jeff, my personal trainer, about this some today and his impression is that garrett is ok. he said that at least garrett was up front about his reservations about starting something and chose not to start something possibly doomed instead of jumping in and things failing. i think jeffs pulling the midwest boy honor code here sticking up for his minne-soh-tah man. jeffs from wisconsin, those boys gotta stick together. but anyways, jeff said that if garrett really just wanted to blow me off he woulda just done so and wouldntve texted me. i think jeffs a glass is half full kinda guy and it shows. but really, i think i agree.

it comes down to this, you either gotta believe in people or not sometimes. yes things went all sideways and it sucked. and yes i am wary and am not looking to open myself up to further hurt. however i do get the impression that garrett is a good guy. a good guy, albeit one whos fucked things up some. i am in no way defending him, its not cool to give signs of interest and excitement in meeting someone and then backing off. shit hes the one who first contacted me for fucks sake. boys clearly conflicted and i give him props for backing off. because if he had come up and wed hit it off and he was still conflicted and he then went off into his mancave, i would have at that point been much more disappointed and pissed off than i was with how things went down. and if hes on some kinda rebound, i dont need to be the rebound girl. id rather he get his head clear and in the game.

and maybe its just a matter of patience. or maybe its just one of those missed things. who knows. but shit kt you of all people should understand the whole personal reservations thing. not everybody hops wholeheartedly into things like i do. and obviously not everybody hops into potential danger knowingly like i do sometimes. i think garrett has a good head on his shoulders, albeit a much more cautious and perhaps jumbly head.

i dunno, theres just something about him. i just cant explain it. and maybe im being dumb and goofy, but theres just something about him. dude makes me smile. the very thought of him makes me smile. i dunno.

Friday, March 10, 2006

A Little Pinky Goes A Long Way

Boy, I can think of a least three different unintentional meanings of that title off the top of my head. Yay me!

Kate, Sue Johannson is old and not very sexually attractive--the show is quite informative for those who want to know--I'm not saying the content sucks, I'm just telling you why some folks (mostly men) don't like it. Men would hang on every word of the following show even if it were completely wrong: Talk Sex With Mariah Carey/Jessica Alba/Salma Hayek/Reese Witherspoon/etc (preferably all at once). That's just the way we're wired. I would totally watch the news (which I hate) on the spanish channel because the news anchors are hot women and you can see their legs under the desk; they could be telling me an asteroid is headed straight for Earth, and I'd enjoy every second of it. In other news, I once watched a show on German television while in London that discussed (and showed) how to prepare your partner for anal sex. No lie. The Germans are light-years ahead of us in being open about sex.

All I can say about doing things for your partner's benefit (if you're not enjoying it) is that FOR PETE'S SAKE, don't let them catch on that you're doing it just for their benefit!

Susan (aka Muad'dib), I've lost track of your boy toys... which one is Garrett? Is that the recipient of the hand job? Anyway, general advice: Expect the worst, hope for the best. Only get involved as deep as you feel you can still jump out of the water. Don't go giving your heart to people until you're ready, and you're fairly sure that's what they want from you. Ah, I see from Kate's comment this is that guy that stood you up twice... you can choose to meet him, but it should be on YOUR terms now. He needs to concede to whatever you want. If not, move on. He had his chance.

Delia in Personal Velocity was a battered wife, mother of two, who basically figured out the only thing she was really good at was giving handjobs, ever since she was a little girl. She eventually learned how to use that to her advantage, making men do her bidding as opposed to the other way around. I mostly thought you of in the sense of you saying that you always end up giving handjobs, not so much in the sense that your life is screwed up like hers is.

Line drawn in the Sand

Even though I originally sent this to KT, I am answering the challenge she has issued to us on her other blog.

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Carhop
2. Bad Check Collector
3. Bookkeeper
4. Account Technician (twice)

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. The Guru
2. Moulin Rouge
3. Grease
4. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Four places you have lived:
1. New Rockford, ND
2. Baker, MT
3. Funk, NE
4. Citrus Heights, CA

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. The Young & the Restless
2. My Name is Earl
3. Jeopardy
4. Survivor

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Disneyland, CA
2. Denver, CO
3. Medora, ND
4. Washington, DC (this one time, on a band trip.....)

Four websites I visit daily:
1. Netflix
2. (i am obsessed with sweden at the moment)
3. my favorite blogs

**and a weekly visit to

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia
2. A good steak
3. Big Boy Pizza Burger flying style and fries w/gravy
4. Chinese buffet....

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. a warm and sandy beach
2. in my recliner knitting
3. sweden (i'm obsessed!!)
4. kt's deck

Four people I am tagging that I think will respond:
I'm not

Four things I always carry with me:
1. I'm too disorganized & spacy to have an always, i usually forget something, but always happy when i remember keys and money.

Dammit, Sometimes Sleeping Dogs Get Up, Grab Their Cell Phones, and Text You...

yep, the sleeper has awakened. i bet pinkys the only one who will get that reference. its dune for yalls not in the know. i let the doggie go, i let him sleep, well, after my infamous "saying my peace" email, but here he is again barkin at my door. garrett has returned. or rather, peeked in.

im chillin at my part-time job after work at like 2am and my phone beeps. its a text message. its a text message from garrett, which i will now quote:

"i cant take it anymore- i just wanted to let u know that i really appreciated your email and i sure hope u dont regret it. thanks for the patience and i look forward to when the time is right. have a good night!"

of course we exchanged a couple texts after this one, but nothing really worth quoting. hmmmm, ok...

ok, so just open up the barrage of criticism now please. i am in no way putting my life on hold for when hes ready, im not holding out any real hope of everything magically working out, and i wont believe it till i literally see it, or rather, see him. so really, i dont see the harm in this text message. all it tells me is that hes been thinking about me and thinking about things. i could be cute and funny and say something boasty like oh yeah baby he gets a taste of the susie and hes hooked or something like that, but ill refrain.

maybe we will when harry met sally, but im so jaded at this point that i dont put much hope in it. and yeah pinky i know you gotta be positive and believe good things will happen, but is it safe to think that way in this case? id like to think that hes sorting his head out after his tour in iraq and hes really being straight with me, but im wary of boys now and thats hard. plus, frankly, im afraid of the wrath of kt. i dont wanna say things like yeah i do believe hes bein straight but hes still getting over iraq because i dont want it to be seen as me makin excuses for him. im not doin that. when push comes to shove hes ultimately either gotta do it or not. or as my sister says, shit or get off the pot. i dunno, people are complicated and life is complicated. but im truckin on.

so yeah, the doggie got up and barked, but i dont think its quite puppy play time just yet. im gonna chill out and maybe find out. hey puppy, *squeek squeek*, ive got a great toy for ya. come fetch!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Do the Hand Job, Baby

yes kt i agree. why bother with it all if its not fun in one way or another. and yes theres immense pleasure one can get from giving and teasing and making it all about the other person's enjoyment. as for my handjob experience recently, it was actually fun at the start. he was touching me and my vagina was reacting in that yummy warm way it should and i was excited and relieved it still worked. and then i took the focus off me and started lubbing up his junk and off we went. if any of this hanky panky happens again there needs to be conversation regarding my needs being addressed. part of the reason i wasnt all drop trowed was frankly because i hadnt pruned the shrub down there. but at one point it felt so good i was like shoot am i gonna actually have a need for those condoms in that box of elexa. so things were feelin fine but i got sidetracked. though yes he should have been like hey baby its your turn.

but frankly and i hope nobody thinks this, the whole deal wasnt and isnt drama or a big deal. me and him are friends and thats it and thats ok. sometimes its nice to kiss or touch or whatever. in this case we both are on the same page and theres no future expectation of anything more than what already is. whether thats good, bad, or in between i dunno. but please i hope yall dont think im some weird sad prostitute-like person who finds men to bang and then cries while the dick action is going on. its so not self-destructive like that. i hate feeling like im the only person here perceived as being dysfunctional. lol!

and pinky you need to explain the movie reference. i wanna say ive seen part of that movie but im not sure. i may be confusing it with gas, food, lodging. and please tell me that character isnt that sad fuck type. please! lol!

so with all that said can we all at least give a big hell yeah to my still functioning vagina?! i think i got a little of my vagina confidence back. or i was just really really randy. either way, yippee vagina!!!

let's talk about sex, baby!

Is anyone else a fan of Talk Sex with Sue Johansson? I have no idea if I spelled her name right. Hmmm.

Why I like Sue:
She is blunt. I see no need to add to the idiotic puritanism of Americans regarding sex. Just TALK about it already!
She answers what are, to me, kind of stupid questions. Don’t get me wrong – I think if you have questions, you should ask them, and not worry about everyone else knowing the answers, but still, do you not just learn some things over time?
Her philosophy seems to be that if you and your partner are enjoying what you’re doing, it is probably just fine.

Susan’s hand job post got me thinking. There are times where you do something mainly for the benefit of your partner in a sexual liasion. But how selfless can you really be in sex? I know that when I’m into doing the aforementioned things, I get a vicarious thrill out of the pleasure I induce. When I’m not into it, I’m bored and I assume that it’s not as good for him, either (and since I’ve only had sex with men, I’ll leave the male pronoun alone).

When sex becomes a game or a power struggle, it is cheapened and lessened. It needn’t be the ultimate expression of true love, but it should be a mutually pleasurable and rewarding experience, right?

Am I completely off base in this? Or am I sane and letting the insanity of the world adversely affect my view of the best reason to be female?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

awesome -- this one DOES work!

You Are Dr. Pepper

You're very unique and funky, yet you still have a bit of traditionalism to you.
People who like you think they have great taste... and they usually do.

Your best soda match: Root Beer

Stay away from: 7 Up

one more: just for the taste of it!

You Are Diet Coke

You are energy in its purest form. No need to complicate things with sweetness.
And while people may hate your aftertaste, you are seen as a necessary evil.

Your best soda match: 7 Up

Stay away from: Coke

Don't tell Dad

DISCLAIMER: It has been 31 years since 8th grade science. And if I remember correctly, most of this stuff hadn't been discovered yet.

You Failed 8th Grade Science
Sorry, you only got 5/8 correct!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

my mom would be proud

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Pete and Repeat

You know how Smoky the Bear always tells us that only YOU can stop forest fires? And you remember Heinlein, through Mike Smith, telling us that Thou art God, God groks? And you remember the Wal-Mart mentality discussions?

It all boils down to personal responsibility and the fact that if you're the one with the habit, only you can break it.

If you don't want the drama, don't get on the damn stage.

I have no problem with the hand job as a concept. Not even in practice. Giving, getting, watching, it's all good.

But when you know that you are getting nothing out of this and you'll be upset by it later, why??

Let's just go back to Heinlein: the central concept that he had right, misogyny aside, was that sex and all that surrounds it is one of the greatest happinesses we have as humans. If it feels good and makes people happy, you're doing it right. If you feel bad afterwards, or there is guilt inducing you to it or stemming from it, you're fucking up something that is supposed to be GOOD.

Lecture/rant done. I just don't get it.

Hand Jobs

i swear to god, why am i the handjob queen?! maybe its cause its the best way to take care of a guy without spreading your legs or opening your mouth? i dunno, but i have a long and storied history of handjobs. and it boggles my mind. its so bizarre. frankly, im kinda embarassed. i mention handjobs because i just gave a buddy of mine a handjob. sad, but true. theres an attraction but it wouldnt ever work for numerous reasons that i just dont feel like going into right now. basically its just bad habit action occurring right now, bad habiting with bad habity people. i know better. but hey, whatever. so he got a handjob out of it. go him. i need to go to a shrink to discuss my handjob habit. wouldnt yall like to be a fly on that wall huh? lol! but the sucky thing is i didnt get much out of it. then again, isnt that the habit? seriously uncool. thats why this guy is a bad habity guy. whatever. hes my friend and thats it. perhaps the handjob will bring us closer as friends. yeah, im laughing hysterically too.

but anyways, we got a new bunch of recruits recently. damn if the ones on my shift arent fucking hot. and two of them are single. this is the titanic, watch it sink...slowly.

ugh, boys. i fucking hate them, but then again i cant be a lesbian. im so screwed, or not as the case may be. fuck. (insert angst here)

Monday, March 06, 2006


Girly things.... yep. I love bath stuff. I have the margarita philosophy body wash/bath gel and I really like the way it foams -- so I'm glad you like the birthday smells. Totally hilarious that Ness likes them. I'd have pegged Capone for the food smells whore -- since she was raised on tast-eee cakes and stuff. Weird kitties.

Remember when we decided to see what the dental dams tasted like? I have photos from that night.

We had a condom box in the dorm -- you know, toss in a quarter, have safer sex. After protests our first year there, the safer sex box became equal opportunity. When they finally had a dental dam in there, we decided we'd see what lesbian prophylactics looked and tasted like. I can see why they aren't popular. I wonder where those photos are? (For the record, I think you have my only print of the shaft photo, too. I have the negative somewhere, though).

Other thought of the day:

I'm tired of winter. I'm knitting a spring scarf. In that it is a very spring-y green and wonderfully cabled. I am TIRED of winter. I want to go hiking.

Scratch and Sniff Me

well shit, looks like i have enough bath and body products now to open my own spa.....or drug store. lol! for my birthday i got a bunch of vickys smelly sprays and bath gels from bearclaw and a box of goodies from kt that take care of all my holes it seems. lol! sadly, i dont think i will be field testing those elexa wipes you sent me anytime soon. i wonder if they smell nice. hmmm. and funny enough, i think the philosophy body washes you sent have transfixed ness. he was intently sniffing them when i put them out in the bathtub and i have since found him hanging out in the tub next to them several times today. theyre birthday cake scented not catnip scented, i dont know what the deal is there. but then again ness is crazy.

and speaking of smells, what is the american obsession with smells? i always see those commercials for the smell balls that spritz smell into the air like every 5 seconds. you think they make noise when they spritz? and dont you get used to the smell eventually to the point where you dont smell the smell anymore thus nullifying the need for the smell ball?? of course the lack of sense in it all doesnt keep me from buying smell products though i tend to buy the more esoteric smell products including the stickums and the smell cone thingies. no auto-spritzing here. its mostly because i have naughty kitties and prefer to cover the smell of cat piss. but when it comes to bath/girly products i love smell. though i hate smelly tampons. thats where i draw the line on smell. i dont want my vagina to smell like a garden or fresh linen or anything, i just want it to not smell. i want un-smell down there. but i love a great smelly bath gel or shampoo or something. i love catching a whiff of my smelly self when i use them. yum! and those philosophy bath gels smell great. they really smell like cake and ice cream and icing. though they dont keep smelling on you much. but i think im in the minority about wanting to overtly smell like a bakery all day. but i am made of sugar and spice and everything nice so why shouldnt i smell like it?