Truly Disappointing

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Cher Hair

i did call around about 3pm my time, i just didnt leave a message.

well, im about to go out on practically a blind date with army boy 3, daniel. i havent gotten a really good look at him because in his pics hes not very close up or hes got on army glasses etc. and we havent spoken on the phone and we havent spoken of much very deeply as far as i can remember. so i feel like i have no info on him whatsoever. which may be a good thing, who knows. so i guess it will be a surprise. hopefully if nothing else i will have a decent time and not feel all weird or skeeved out by him or whatever.

and then theres jenni. theres a slightly longish story there but i may or may not be meeting her later tonight as well. i can guarantee to all who read this now that if theres any lesbian action no matter how minor it will be detailed at great length here first.

so, i am away, possibly to the wolves. and im sporting 70s era cher hair (im not sure if thats bad or good). those who are about to die salute you.....

Explanation on the Rack

After a nice long discussion of homosexuality, mostly inspired by my overly-excited attitude towards seeing Brokeback Mountain, in which I detailed how and why I find the idea of man-on-man action erotic to an uncomprehending Cathy, we agreed that, were we each to seek out lesbian encounters, Cathy and I would both want a woman slightly better endowed than we see ourselves as being. I have a small chest. I have no cleavage. If I'm going to be exploring someone else's version of this equipment, I'd like her to have a "nice" rack. And I don't mean "big." I mean well-rounded and curvy, not like me.

For the record, I'd be curious. Cathy is not. I think she'd want me to be utterly clear on that.

I second (third, and fourth) that.

Ja. Jumblyfucked. I like that. It's apropos.

Let's see. Most people seem to think I should have no body issues. I'm not Kate Moss (even before the drugs), but I don't have a weight problem. I did, once, but it was under, not over. But the thing is, we market insecurity as though it's a valuable commodity here in Amurikah. I have days where I hate the physical me as much as possible without mutilating myself. I know that it's different than having fat issues. I know that. But I'm no paragon o' beauty either.

And the boy thing -- I don't really have it easy. I just don't date a whole hell of a lot, so there's not a lot of instant screw-up moments. When I find somebody worth pursuing, sometimes I manage to pursue (or project "come hither," whichever.) I do, admittedly, have a way of finding commitment-minded men. Always have. Unfortunately? I am not commitment-minded. Not really. I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't really hold with marriage. I don't want kids and I think pickett fences are an aesthetic abomination. I want good committed friendships with sex that I can parlay into friendships without physical contact when the self-centered *I* inevitably gets bored. It's not that relationships are inherently boring, it's just that I'm a bitch when I start to take things for granted. I don't know why that happens -- I don't take my friends for granted, but at some point, I begin to take Relationships for granted. And I fuck them up.

Last time around, it's more that I chose unwisely. He was a decent guy, and probably good for a short-term fling, but the instant I tried to extend that "into the future" things began to go downhill. There was way too much baggage on his side for me to deal with effectively.

I think it boils down to the image I project. I can do self-confident woman of the world VERY well sometimes. But it's a ways from the inner reality. I have enough insecurities and enough denial about them to cause issues in my head.

I do make poor choices. And I try to make them work. You remember the whole dating scenario when we met, right Susan? Ugh. And Cathy, remember the LD Relationship I was desperately holding onto when I started here? I'm an idiot some days.

Oh, hey, since we're discussing relationships (and since Susan didn't bother to call me back yet): My brother's getting married, supposedly, sometime this year. She's legal, at least, but recently divorced with a 3 year old daughter and they all currently live with her parents. He's 27. She's 25. Oh, and they've been dating since the week before Thanksgiving. So.....9 weeks?? Yeah, that's going to go well.

(And just for the record, blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize "fuck." It suggests Fiji.)


well as for medicare and all that technical shit you spewed, i have nothing to say. if its from this govt it blows. and i know nothing about medicare. when i get older please just kill me.

as for weight loss and self-esteem, etc, shiiiiiit girly we all feel shitty about ourselves a decent amount of the time. we all have this shit in our head from hollywood that we're supposed to be beautiful and fabulous and have tons of friends and make lots of money and drink lattes. i am not kate moss. i am not mother theresa. i am not oprah fucking winfrey's money. im a huge jumblyfuck bitch. i dont particularly like my body and most people would say im not vastly overweight, but i still dislike it. i have stretch marks. i have saggy parts. i dont really have eyebrows, which bugs me to the nth degree (though i get more comments from black girls that they love them, too bad im not black...). im not all that nice lots of the time. i dont give shit money to orphans or sickly people. i hate the elderly. i hate most kids. i hate most people. i can be verbally abusive a decent amount of the time. i am racially insensitive. i am rude. im a drama junkie. im addicted to shitty emotional states. i suffer from trichotillomania which i have yet to seek help for (and this is the first time ive admitted it publicly). i am seriously fucked up about 95% of the time.

and the funny thing is that most of the time i dont know what to do about it all. how am i supposed to stop being how i am? i mean i can sit here and stewart smalley myself to death, but is that real? is that legit? am i just a shitty jumblyfuck and thats how its gonna be? i totally feel like im gonna die alone without having ever known real true passionate love. because really how could anyone ever want to love all the shitty things i am? i dont love myself most of the time so how could anyone else?

i am scared to death of abandonment. yet somehow im ever on the abandonment merry-go-round. see garrett come see garrett go, no explainations, nada. i really liked him and was hoping things would be cool. i was excited. i liked it when he called and left goofy messages. i liked his sexy. bearclaw says i just need to calm down and trust, but 5 days sans contact is wack especially if he was calling daily. im not emailing again, im not calling again. he got an email, a voicemail, and a call without a message. thats enough. fuck him. and i knew this would come when he didnt come last saturday. ive been down this road before, the abandonment merry-go-round. im the fucking amazing kreskin of abandonment.

and now i have this date with army boy 3 tomorrow. im very uncaring about it. i barely know this dude. whatever. and then theres jenni, the lesbian, who begs me to not go to sleep at night and to keep chatting. its to the point of being annoying and rude. whats it with me and needy lesbians? im fucking exhausted. ive tried every strategy, caring a lot, caring not at all, caring kinda. being available, being unavailable, just being. none of it works. people come, people go. hopes come, hopes go.

and honestly, i get so jealous of kt sometimes because it seems to come so easily for her. boys would pay to hop into her lap. and the funny thing is that she doesnt always seem to want them. its one long-term relationship after another. i havent had a legit relationship since andy, the first dude i really had a relationship with. that was 6 years ago. jesus h christ. i have more tools in my arsenal now, ive grown up a lot, im ready to take the challenge, the nestea plunge. come on!!! im fucking here! hello! when will it be my turn???

and im glad for kt. hopefully dino-boy will be cool and things will go well. i just wish i had a little taste of the same for a change. i just want easy. i need an easy button yo. but then again it seems as if my life is just meant to be hard. it was hard from childhood and has not stopped being hard. sure, not like famine in africa hard or coal miner hard, but pretty hard nonetheless. ive spent most of my life alone. when i was young i was alone most of the time. after over 20 years of remembered alone-ness, im getting very anxious for not alone-ness. alone takes a toll and im beginning to think the toll is much higher than id ever thought.

so yes cathy we are all seriously jumblyfucked. i feel ya, i really really do. and how to get through it and feel all hollywood and fabulous, i have no fucking clue. i dont think even dr. phil has a good solution for this funk malaise we're having right now.

a few years ago this mood would have had me talking about just hopping off this mortal coil, seriously. i wasted a whole year of my life like that. somehow ive managed to gain the skills i need to keep from retreating to that windowless room and snuggling up with my sadness. but i gotta say sometimes its very tempting to knock on that door and want to walk in and just die inside and shut down. sometimes im not sure how i keep myself from doing that. and i dont fucking know how im gonna keep going feeling like this.

i just want a fucking break. i just need some goddamned luck. i just dont wanna be alone anymore.

how can i possibly fix something that is so seemingly irretrievably broken???

Friday, January 27, 2006

Using the government to control your low blood pressure.

Subtitle : Medicare Part D.

But first things first...

Brokeback Mountain.
I knew it was going to be a slow movie overall. Very good substance to the movie. Very real depictions of the life and times, I suppose. That first encounter between Jake Jawarhalal and Heath Ledger was quite different from anything that I expected. The Fab Five probably badged this as a horror movie based upon fashion and a severe lack of interior decorating on Heath's part. I thought it was a strong movie in portraying the need they both felt for being closet homosexuals based upon social stigmas, it just felt a bit weak when it came to the overall relationship. Heath and Jake just didn't have a consistent chemistry. Sometimes it was brilliant, other times awkward at best. Contrast that to say, Six Feet Under's David and Keith. Maybe it was the inconsistency in the male and female roles they alternated playing that was doing that to me? Each one seemed to be fragile at different times and in different ways. Jake was more needy, but Heath seemed much more motherly with regards to his kids for the most part. I'll use that as my primary example. Overall, good movie, but too slow to see again. Course, it was fun seeing Michelle William's boobs. Is there anyone left who hasn't gone topless on the big screen from Dawson's Creek?

Cunt Funk = hilarious. But I'll see your yeast infection and raise you uncontrollable testosterone, back hair, and full-time sack-itch. Not the jock itch kind (which would complement your yeast infection perhaps), but the standard random need to scratch your scrote at potentially inopportune times that all men seem to have. In fact, I'll throw in premature ejaculation, that whole need to pass out post-orgasm, and penis-size anxiety. I think I'm all in, here. I call.

But honestly, I'm sorry to hear you that you have a yeast infection. However, until the day that I have multiple orgasms from my multiple erogenous zones, your vagina is "king".

Chocolate Cake
Interesting. I mean, granted, your son is a jerk for not picking up after himself. But I wonder if you don't want to pick it up because its some kind of symbol of how ready (or not ready) he is to be on his own? Maybe a bit of empty nest syndrome?

With regards to weight loss, I'm all happy to talk about that. I've been overweight my entire life (and in the alcoholic sense of fatso, always will be). If I'm socially dysfunctional in any way, I would attribute it to weight. But I have identified my weight problem as the result of extremely poor discipline. Smaller portion sizes (not dietary component changes) and an exercise regimen are what I have prescribed myself. All the pieces are in place for my master plan, just have to execute. I'll update if/when results are obtained.

Capitalized...for emphasis. I liked that post. Very neat. But, um, for some reason I can't find much else to comment on. Sry. Digits exchanged, grats. Use of USGS topographical maps provides me with a nice segue, too....

Maybe I should have titled this post - am I a Socialist?

I don't understand Medicare Part D. I have spent no less than 6 hours on the phone learning to understand "the gap" in Part D. Part D, of course, is to cover the gap not covered by Part C, which must be too busy covering "the gap" that part B didn't cover because it could only cover "the gap" in Part A.



I could ask a lot of questions, but the primary one I have is this. How is it that by ADDING a middle man to prescription drugs, I save money? Why the hell do things not simply cost WHAT THEY COST? Its not like I will be getting my mother's drugs at some different pharmacy, they will just cost less, mysteriously.

So how does one find compassion for corporations with such obvious price fixing at hand? I mean, I include the RIAA and MPAA in this, too. Suddenly, I'm back to comparing pirates to Robin Hood.

And then there's the government (Sheriff of Nottingham?). The morons who brought you the "do-nut hole" in Part D the first place. That's right, its a federally mandated GAP in your GAP coverage. I guess "golden years" is supposed to mean golden for pharmaceutical and now the insurance industry, not Tom Brokaw's "Greatest Generation". And since this practically forces people into using generic drugs to avoid the gap, isn't it "anti-capitalistic"? And where the fuck are the brand name drug manufacturer's lobbyists, asleep?

I know the vast majority of you red-state, middle-American white folk just turned Republican because you think the democrats will give all your tax money to blacks and immigrants as welfare, but goddamnit, how bad does it have to get before you smell the shit they are shoveling you?

ps - Don't think this means I am siding with Democrats, you assholes are just as guilty for having no one better than Tom Kerry to push as a leader, FFS.


Thursday Night at the Movies

Last night was the debut of Cinema 100. Our first movie this season was "Millions". I really liked this movie. Gave it 4 out of 5 stars in the Netflix rating game. It was a really cute story with great characters. Damien was just the sweetest, most imaginative kid. The movie was fun to watch, there were some interesting special effects and great cinematography.

Went to the show with Kt and dino boy. He understands this is a package deal. He was pleasant. I've known him since he got here, but really haven't spent any time getting to know him. I look forward to it. His southern accent is charming. And he is easy on the eyes.

Had popcorn for dinner. okay-- not dinner. Snack. Still managed to eat after the movie. bah. Also made the mistake of having a Black Cherry Vanilla Diet CokeY . I can't have any caffeine that late in the day. I was up until 1. But I got some reading done.

Next week: An Icelandic Film.

Beautiful on the Inside

What a crock of shit. Just minutes after posting that, I regretted it. I'm NOT beautiful on the inside. I think that is just some sort of fat girl cliche. I have issues with my weight. I have food issues. I have issues with my parents from childhood right up to yesterday. I have issues with my sister. I have major conflict avoidance issues. I have humongus fear of rejection issues.

I wish I was better educated. I wish I was more up-to-date on current events. I wish I cared more about current events. I wish I could get past my last relationship. I wish I didn't cry when I get angry. I wish I was better at standing up for myself. I wish I was better at expressing my thoughts and feelings. I wish I had seen Moulin Rouge in the theater. Which I could have if I wasn't afraid to go to the movies alone.

I can be very passive-aggressive. I can play the martyr. I can't pretend to like people that I don't. I ramble when I'm nervous. I overthink everything. I suck at saving money. I'm afraid of being alone forever. I like things to go my way. I'm stubborn. I can be mean. I'm premenstrual. Good thing I don't have a gun.

So, no, not beautiful on the inside. Very messy and ugly in there.

The L Word

this is my lesbian. shes on the skinny tomboy side, just the way i like em. so, i dont think she has a huge rack. but i think shes sassy and cute lookin. shes smart and edumacated. plus shes funny as shit.

i wouldnt mind kissing her. all soft and curvy and nice girly smelling. plus jenni, great first lesbian name. not as good as that girl heidi, but still really good.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

What am I afraid of?

I just can't fathom what the heck holds me back. I've already revealed that I'm boring, so why not just put it all out there? I wanna write cool stuff on here like kt and susan. I've gotten "shy" on the message board I frequent. Turned into quite the lurker, when I really, really want to chat and be one of the crowd. I like to chat on-line, but I'm on-line alot at work, so talking dirty isn't an option. Besides, I really don't want to talk dirty to a stranger. I just want to talk. I want to reach out and chat somebody. I've even dug up a few profiles of people who are online and I would like to chat with, but I'm always afraid to make that first move.

Why is that the only guys who seem to want to chat with me are 25 years old? Do I really appear to be that desperate? Or do they just have some mis-guided notion that all 45 year old women want to find some young stud to do them? I guess maybe I'm just an old prude, but I want a relationship. One with a capital R. I've been married. I've dated. I've had LTR's. I've been in love. I've done the casual sex thing - I find it less than fulfilling. Is it really so wrong to care about the person you are exchanging bodily fluids with?

I realize that I am not beautiful on the outside. I'm working on the weight. But I can't afford the plastic surgery that would be required to turn me into Jennifer Aniston. And really, how many guys out there actually look like Brad Pitt or Vince Vaughn. Or even David Schwimmer, for that matter.... But I think, for the most part, that I am beautiful on the inside. I told myself that I was going to take a break from trying to date until April. I figure that will give me time to get some more weight watcher meetings under my belt. And maybe less of me under my belt. Get me back to working out. Get me over the issues with my son moving out. Get me back to taking care of me. But dammit - there is whole lot more to me than just fat!

Hmm.....maybe I will come out of my shell, eventually.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

i met a lesbian named Genevive last night. we talked for a few hours. i didnt get any fucking sleep. i think she likes me. shes cute. and no shes not in the military. interesting twist.....


Preface: I LOVE getting the mail. Usually, it's boring. But there's a never-ending element of surprise that brings out my inner 5-year-old-hyped-on-Christmas-cookies.

Tuesday I got a letter in the mail. Blank envelope with a return address here in town. It's a letter from one of the medical research groups. They are looking for participants for a menopausal hot flash study.

Yesterday, I open an another letter. It's an offer to join and benefit from membership in the AARP, for which I fully qualify. The AMERICAN. ASSOCIATION. for RETIRED. PERSONS.

Even funnier? I got an offer to join the AARP in 1995. When I was 17.

For the record? I'm 28.

Full Retreat and Probably Complete Surrender

im looking about for white things with which to make a surrender flag. damn, if only i subscribed to martha stewart living, im sure shes got good homemade surrender flag tips. you think you can buy actual real surrender flags? hmmm maybe i should check ebay.....

day 3 comes and goes.....

as for rocketing over the cliff, sure i may do that but i also have the bad habit of freaking out mid-jump and looking longingly at the rapidly disappearing cliff edge with great regret.....

day 4 looms as the sun rises on my misery.....

when it rains it pours. i have a total of 3 army boys and now a marine boy hath graced my yahoo email box. and get this, he has a hot twin brother whos in the army. somebody is playing cruel jokes on me right now. im seriously being beaten over the head about sumthin.....

shit, it might as well be day 5 the way things are going.....

and, everyone laugh loudly here, i have a date on saturday with army boy 3. he has yet to be mentioned here because i never thought wed meet. nuttin much to say bout him. hes a boy who was in the army. why did i agree to meet? why?!

how many days does it take to get the fuck over shit again???

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

slow forward

Digits were exchanged.

I do wonder when, where, and how I got to be the uber-cautious person -- the overthinking, overplanning worrier of problems yet to come. My parents aren't like this. My brother? Worry? Nah. Just make up a cover story.

And then there's me.

Susan and I joke about how opposite we are about so many things. Not the overthinking. That we share. And I share that with Cathy, too.

Say there is a cliff.

Susan? Talks a lot about the cliff and cliff-related theories. Drives up to it, 45 mph on gravel, BACKWARDS. Crosses fingers, jumps. Most of the time.

Me? I'll go scope the geography of the area, maybe find a USGS topo map that will show me heights of cliffs, research the geology of the region to find out what kind of rock we're dealing with, google cliff-jumping just to see if there's anything new out there that I've missed. I'll find the shoes with the best traction, carefully choose clothing, considering potential wind resistance (and whether that's a good or bad thing) and then, MAYBE jump.

Right now, I'm not researching. I can't research this, really. I'm out of my element because of that.

I'm just a control freak about my environment and try to be about my life. What's up with that?

What do you do when you realize that you are not the person you want to be? Overall, I like me, but there are things I'd like to change. This is one. How do you go about that?

I really should have spent less of December trying to figure out my life. I can't stop now.

For the record and for clarification, I'm not upset, unhappy, or unsatisfied. I'm just trying to figure out where some of my less desirable character traits and issues came from so that I can deal with them and move on.

Did I mention that the digits were exchanged?

I Suck

i suck. i dont like it, but i suck. and im not sure how to stop sucking. suck suck suck. suckity sucker suckfuck. I SUCK!!! goddammit motherfucker...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

my life in the vast lane

I have my quarterly board meeting this Friday. I am the executive secretary for said board, and as such, am responsible for, well, everything. Including making sure that enough of my 7 adult members show up. They are competent enough to have full-time jobs elsewhere, but there is an element of babysitting in getting them here.

So at work? Am chicken. With no head. Running in circles. Am good at it.
Or, if you prefer a different metaphor, I am a well-trained dog, with the hoop jumping and such. I? Am a good bureaucrat. Hence the hoops. And the jumping.

I am not at the moment good at writing in complete sentences.


My parents didn't break me. They done good. There's a great poem out there about parenting. I can't remember the poet, so I can't look it up here -- I have it in a book at home.

It begins: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad,/ They don't mean to but they do"
I know it gets a little better. I'll find and post.


On a personal front? Just trying to keep it all together. Still chatting with the guy. Still trying NOT to talk myself out of seeing where it goes. It's like starting a fire while camping. The fire is nice and friendly, warm and light, and it could keep you company well into the night. But rather than risk the conflagration that could happen were it to get out of control, you dump the bucket of water on top and put it out. No light and warmth, but no giant prairie fire, either.

I've got the bucket of water. It's my ledge. But I'm trying not to use it.

Very Bad Post About Relationships as Gambling

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

-Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

oh kenny, you so wise. relationships, lot like gamblin arent they. so when do you go all in and when do you fold and walk away? i have no fucking idea. so far i dont think theyve written a song with that particular answer yet. oh wait, they have..."gamble everything for love and you'll be alright..."- ben lee. good song.

regarding the chocolate cake, since its past time for being able to happily eat it, throw it out. take a breath and exhale. let him go. thats the whole disney circle of life and shit. kids gotta go out and either sink or swim. and every kid goes through a phase of hating his or her mom and dad. as they grow they usually realize theyve been shits and realize that their parents cared. they wont always admit that (i still havent) but they feel it. and sometimes kids just act like rotten fuckers because. theres no rhyme or reason. you can love a kid to death and he can become a serial killer or you can abuse him and hate him and he wins a nobel prize. its a crap shoot if you will.

cathy dont beat yourself up about your kid. you did great just by not breaking him when he was little. thats my standard if i ever have kids, did i break em? no? ok, great, i did good. the biggest thing ive learned in recent years is that you cannot control other people. and sometimes you can barely control yourself. all that can be expected is doing ones best and frankly a lot of times we just dont hit that mark. im sure youve done more than your best with your kid. thats what parents do, ok, well most decent parents that is. let the little birdie fly away. rejoice in you having gotten him to that point. you didnt break him! kudos to you!

and yes kt, fucking go after the dino-boy. youll never know if hes the one to bet it all for if you dont even dare to look. and i know you doubt if that kind of person exists, the all-in guy, but he might. id rather go forth and blunder than to sit and wonder. and so far it seems like this dino-guy is cool and youre having a good time on the hunt. and nothing clears a person's head of prior shitty boys than a fresh new good one.

and no i dont know when to hold em and when to fold em. i think thats a sliding scale depending on the hand dealt. i guess i would say keep on playing until things start looking bad. unless youre the amazing kreskin, you cant predict what cards will come up on the next deal and youll never know unless you sidle up to the table.

as for me and garrett, who knows. we chatted online after the blow-off telephone conversation. i do believe hes legitimately sorry. and the sense i got was that it was a cashflow issue. he spent $500 getting his buddy out and thats a lot to a guy who gets paid like $15,000 a year. i just think he didnt want to directly admit it because its a guy pride thing. heaven forbid a girl pays for a guy even in 2006, but thats still how it is a lot of the time. though i do have to say i wonder if the shine has rubbed off the apple some. has the initial tingly left the building elvis style?

i like garrett. i find him attractive and he seems fairly sensitive and educated. he is quiet though and quiet guys do drive me nutz sometimes. he listens more than speaks and being a big speaker myself i sometimes get wary of that kind. there are times during what seem to be our regular multiple hour phone conversations where we run out of topics to discuss. and i feel like i talk twice as much or more than he does. perhaps its just a different personality style, but it makes me wonder. is it supposed to just click all the time or are there hitches. ok, ok, theres hitches, stupid question.

i dunno, i wonder if the blow-off has soured things on either side of the situation. we've spoken briefly on the phone since, though there was no phone call this evening which is unusual. and we exchanged more photos. im not sure how to describe the photos and i dont know why they came about but lets just say that theyre artsy body shots that suggest but dont explicitly show anything. mine are actually quite good i think and i did them one handed. but i digress. so i dunno. im not sure what the deal is and where things stand. and all because there was no phone call. and part of me wonders if i really even care.

so, do you hold em or fold em? i think sometimes, most of the times, we hold in our hands very mediocre cards, no aces, no big face cards, but nothing too shitty. and sometimes we can trade cards out and work on a good winning hand, but sometimes, most of the times, we just gotta deal with average and hope we get lucky. maybe the key question really is, do we even buy into the game at all? and i think the answer is yes. how can we not? im too curious to miss what could be a winning hand. after all even though the odds are generally in the house's favor, people do get lucky, they get fucking lucky all the time. and all i can think is that if you play long enough lady luck will shine down upon you.

no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, stop.....

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Another Tricky Day

You cant always get it when you really want it.
You cant always get it at all.

-The Who, Another Tricky Day

ok, yall can cash in on your bets now. yep, he didnt show. and he waited until 5pm to call and tell me. allegedly a buddy of his got a dui that morning and he had to go bail him out for $500. whatever. he shoulda called sooner yo cause as kt can attest to i was nervous for most of the afternoon. i talked to him later that night online and he apologized again. whatever. i have set my phasers to highly wary.

but the funny thing is that even though i was seriously pissed off last night im ok now. its a non-issue at this point. my weekend hasnt been destroyed because of it. things happen and people are pussies etc. he said he will make it up to me in february which he has off in its entirety. whatever. we shall see, but we shant be holding our breath.

boys gonna have to work it out yo, seriously. ill believe it when i see it. ill give people a chance and when they blow it then we go to the seeing is believing stage where there are no more chances for fucking up. i dont have the time for games. you either do or you dont, ya know? he hasnt earned the right to fuck up yet. but my anger was clearly conveyed and explained and understood. boy knows hes on thin already starting to loudly crack ice.

why cant things just go off without a hitch though? seriously dude, come on, havent i earned it just a little? but the more i continue breathing on this planet the more i realize that hitchless things dont really exist. theres always a price somewhere, somehow. i think maybe its just that im more aware of the hitches now than before, but that doesnt mean they didnt exist back then. i guess its just time to accept the hitches and move on. makes no real sense to continue tilting at windmills at my age, right? i guess i just gotta go all audrey hepburn on the hitch's ass and take it gracefully. now where'd i put those ballet slippers.....