Truly Disappointing

Friday, January 20, 2006

Friday Rambling

It's FRIDAY! I don't wanna work. So, I'll see if I can come up with something to write about......

Cowboy Love: Kt and I went to Brokeback Mountain on Monday. Figure a gay cowboy movie is a good way to celebrate MLKjr Day. And I got to have popcorn. Good movie. Interesting story about a tortured soul. Well-made, beautiful scenery. Man-on-man action. ewww. I know it happens, but does nothing for me. Unless you count nausea. But if you want to just film Jake Gyllenhall for 2 hours, go ahead. I'll pay to watch that.

2006, the year of me: On May 1, 2004, I joined weight watchers for the bazillionth time. By Feb of 2005, I managed to lose 50 pounds. By Jan of 2006, 20 of those pounds found their way back to my ass. *sigh* Oh well, back to weight watchers I far 8.6 of them have vacated the premises. go me. Now, just need to get said ass back to the gym.....

Cinema 100: Yippee! It starts next Thursday! Movies that we don't normally get to see here in Bismarck, ND. And it's cheap - $20.00 for all 11 movies. And it's a damn good excuse to eat popcorn for supper. Without butter, of course (see above).

Something new: I have ventured into a couple of new knitting projects. So far, just been very comfy making scarves and dishclothes. This week, I started a baby book bag and a pair of socks. The socks have no heel, so they will be pretty easy, me thinks. So far, they are snazzy.

Savage Chickens: If you haven't checked it out -- YOU MUST. Wise words. Today's entry about why we exist is right on the money.

Weekend Plans: Nada. Working at other job. Going to a fund-raising pancake and sausage thing. Love pancakes, love the people it is for. Knitting. And the Sunday crossword puzzle - love that. So, not quite nada. But not quite exciting either.

Passive-Aggressive Chocolate Cake: Still there. I did move it closer to his shoes this morning, maybe now he can see it. But I doubt it.

Army Boy: go susan! Go Susan! woo hooo! BTW - love the HBCC. Mine has gotten shorter over the years. Here it is: 1. Breathing.

Rambling over...

Wingchick #2 Reporting

Here's my thought, since you asked:

Have him get a hotel room for Saturday night. It gives you both some space. If it doesn't work out, he can head off on Sunday, no embarrassment incurred by sleeping over, etc. If it does work out, and yet you don't want to have a spend the night on Sunday, he can stay back at the hotel.

Or, you can use the hotel to have hot monkey sex, loudly.

You're right that this can't really be a coffee meet. 4 hours and then coffee? Eh. Do dinner. It's enough, if it doesn't work out, and not too much.

Don't have him over to the apartment until after dinner and only then if you still want to. I know you can watch your own 6 for the most part, but if dood turns out to be a psycho or is just an ass, you don't need him in your space.

Figure out the logistics. WITH him. It's his meet, too.
Leave the rest of it. Can't plan a meet, can't plan the chemistry, so just go zen on its ass.

Wingchick 2, out.

The But Situation (Or Susan's Reasons Why Not)

well, looks like me and garrett have firm tentative plans for saturday. he got a 4 day pass for this weekend so if things go well saturday could turn into sunday and monday too. which is totally cool and i hope it happens, but, but...

theres always that but isnt there? but will he like me? but will he find me sexy and funny? but will he not be disappointed? i seriously hate the first meet. the whole internet dating thing is cool except for the fact that you havent met. people can be great on paper or online or on the phone, but theres that chemical reaction missing. its one thing to meet someone out and about and ask them out or whatever, but youve got that chemical thing you can sense or not in that situation. online theres just the imagination and often times thats wrong.

of course theres always the but situation of me not digging him, but for some reason i always put the but on myself. i know, i have more work to do about self-esteem and such but dont we all to some extent. i just dont want him to have these serious high hopes and then have them crushed. of course i dont want that for myself either.

ive seriously tried to keep my imagination in line. i cant be off fantasizing all these things that arent real because reality may be much less interesting and thus i would be disappointed. i used to seriously indulge in that fantasy world in past years but have learned the hard way that thats not always healthy.

and its funny, its been a while and i feel like i almost dont know how to be on a date. its coming up on a year now since gay anorexic sheriff boy. and the theres the logistics problems. garrett mentioned that tonight. where do we meet? hes gonna be driving up from savannah for like 4 hours or whatever so its not like he just drove from downtown atlanta and we'll meet in a starbucks or something. that would be weird. hi, you just drove 4 hours to see me lets meet in a shitty coffee place. but at the same time him coming over to my apt is weird too, mostly for him i would expect. and then he needs lodging. i seriously dont mind him staying over here, but if things dont go well it would be awkward. and if he came over to my place first and it didnt work out it would be awkward for him to grab his shit and leave, ya know? but i seriously dont mind paying for a hotel for a night for him. thats only fair right?

perhaps the best way to deal with this is to just be upfront about it all. hey, nice to meet you, well shit isnt this awkward?! i dunno, perhaps im overthinking things some, that wouldnt be new now would it? but i dont wanna go on autopilot either because not thinking is just as bad. damn it, i hate the first meet. maybe things will go well. arent i supposed to be thinking positively or something dr. phil-like? but all i can think about now is danger, danger will robinson, abort, abort. thats just me being a scaredy cat, i know. but i feel like im the deer in the road who can either stand firm and face the oncoming car or hop away to possible safety. theres always a chance the car wont hit me right??

i dunno, maybe ill look back on this in a few days after the meet and laugh. i really really hope things go well. i can really use the break, seriously. ive got skillz gettin rusty yo. practice makes perfect, right?

plus im gonna be spending the next few hours cleaning my apt like a friggin maniac. things better go well if i cleaned my apt yo. lol!

but anyways, i could really use some serious chick wingman action/support here. this is the most promising thing ive run across in a while. and theres still that dumb little girl voice in my head saying maybe hes the one. if not then ill move on and thats that. but strangely enough its that possibility of success thats the scariest part of all...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Day 21

The Saga of the Passive-Aggressive Chocolate Cake.

My 18 yr old son is pissed at me. He says he is moving out. He "thinks" I am kicking him out. He is thinking incorrectly. When he is mad at me, he doesn't speak to me.

We had a nice Christmas Eve together. We both work 2 jobs, so time together is limited. We both had Christmas Eve off. We had a lovely dinner of Swedish Meatballs, mashed potatoes, brocolli with cheese sauce and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Then we opened presents and watched "Elf". A ginormously funny movie. IMHO.

We snacked on the cake all week and by Thursday, December 29th there was one big piece left. The Boy decided to finish it off while I was at work. But - he didn't. For whatever reason (I could never do this) he left part of the cake on the the middle of the living room floor. Today, 21 days later, it is still sitting there. I'm not picking it up. It will sit there until he removes it or until he moves out. Which, according to him, is in 2 weeks.

I know that this is silly and that I should just tell him to get off his lazy ass and clean it up. But somehow....seeing that stupid piece of cake sitting there is making it a whole lot easier to accept the fact that he is moving out. Being a single parent has not been an easy job. I know I wasn't a perfect parent. But I did my best. He's always had a roof over his head, food in his tummy and someone who would do anything she could to make his life a little better. Well, except pick up the Passive-Aggressive Chocolate Cake.


im sorry but i just got home after a 20 hour day and found this, among others, in my email. its like a late channukah present. l'haim! lol! observe the goofy come hither look...and the ipod! oh yes a man of technology and piracy, after my own heart. sweet dreams to me, oh yes.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Running in Circles with Scissors

Men. Women. Sex. Relationships.

Truly. None of us can move past this.

Either I am:
–in a Relationship
–not in a Relationship
–wishing I had prospects for a Relationship
–happy I am not in a Relationship
–wishing I were not in a Relationship
–contemplating both the meaning and the value of Relationships
–talking about Relationships
–blogging about Relationships

This is SO. NOT. ZEN. WTF?

The tao is the “way.” If you follow the Tao, you do not judge, you deal. If you fight the Tao, you are like a salmon wishing to spawn and you have a long, hard swim ahead of you. I try to actively not fight the Tao. I am busy fighting other losing battles instead. But the whole Relationship thing? Is fighting the Tao.

For further Socratic clarification, in the etymological world that Susan and I created in college (in the days when I slept with a dictionary within arm’s reach at all times), Capitalizing a Word makes it More Important. Kind of like A.A. Milne did in the Winnie-the-Pooh books. It’s not like German, wherein all Nouns are Capitalized. How about An Example?

“cooking” is throwing a frozen dinner into the microwave, putting takeout on plates (why would you do this again?), or making mac n’ cheese from the box.

“Cooking” is following a recipe that doesn’t involve boxed foods (not including something like rice, which is an Ingredient, but including something like instant mashed potatoes which are a travesty and tragedy beyond words or explanations and such things should not be discussed herein on a public website where people may read the HORROR.)_

A “relationship” is what Susan and I have, what Cathy and I have. I only blog with Daniel, so I can’t even really claim a “relationship”with him. We are bloggers together.

A “Relationship” is something that, far as I know, none of us is currently involved in. It involves “Romantic” feelings. And probably sex. The line between “r” and “R” is less clearly defined here. A good Relationship should be based on a relationship/friendship, but probably eventually involves exclusivity (things you share with that person and no other) and sex. But a Relationship isn’t to be defined solely by sex. The Romantics want it to be something more. I don’t count myself a Romantic, but I want it to be something more, too. And it is, somehow, but indefinable.

The ironic thing is that the je ne sais quoi that sets a Relationship apart from a relationship is the same thing that kills it. It must be. Is it just me, or are there many things that are heinous crimes in a Relationship that you let slide regularly in a relationship? That indefinable difference is a boon and an issue.

Cosmic. Freaking. Joke.

The Vagina Monologues aka The Cunt Funk Rant

Warning: im about to talk about stuff thats graphic and people may not be cool with me talking about...but im doing it anyways, damn it, so there. and frankly its about time we let some sunshine fall upon this issue...

i hate my fucking vagina. im sorry, but this whole "open system" we got working down between our legs is bunk. i apparently have a yeast infection or something going on down there in my jockies and its not cool. i dont know how many of you have had cunt funk but it sucks. and the thing is its not like i have an std or fucked some junkie or did anything weird to or with my vagina it just decided to rebel all on its own, and im pissed as hell.

one day my vaginas all fresh and happy and rainbows and then, bam, the itching, burning, and, frankly, the odor arrive. you scratch or rub and it makes it worse. then you end up rubbing your pussy so much its rubbed raw and youre twice as fucked. seriously, give me a cock. when do cocks just randomly start oozing? not often. thats all vagina my friends. so not cool.

and heaven forbid you go to the grocery store for some bullshit vagina gel or whatever that ends up not really working much at all and they look at you funny like look at that girl with the funky diseased box. whoever gave us the vagina seriously screwed us. one, we have to squirt kids out of it, have you looked at the difference in sizes involved?!, and, two, we have to suffer this random mysterious carpet contagion.

god, or whoever, you smite-y smiter, art thou smiting me?! what hast my vagina done to displease you?!

this is total bullshit.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Little Fluffy Bunnies in the Valley

ok, i admit, i am so lame. my happiness or sadness apparently hinges on a fucking phone call. how lame is that? i am being that girl again, no that other girl. yes, you know her well. im the "oh my god he called me" girl right now. yes, feel free to strangle me...repeatedly.

yes, army boy, now to be referred to as garrett (so as to avoid confusion with sniper army guy), called me tonight. twice. oh yes. twice. i was sitting on the couch watching 24 and flipping over to the golden globes when he called. i was making absurd happy noises when sandra o won a golden globe (you go grrrrl!) that i didnt hear the phone until it was too late to answer it. i checked the area code and saw it was savannah and i freaked out. i thought i had missed him and i figured what luck. so i listened to his message and called him back right then. and he answered and he knew who it was. and all the fluffy bunnies in the valley were happy.

the initial chat was kinda awkward as most initial chats are. and the phone line connection kinda blew. plus hes one of those more quiet talkers. but we talked for about an hour. we discussed his plans for another tattoo (hot!!) and what he does on base and what special ops stuff he wants to do and other random stuff. then his evil friend, bad friend bad, came into his room and wanted to go eat so he left. but, but he did ask me if he could call me again. how polite. and i said yes. and all the fluffy bunnies in the valley cheered.

and then im sitting at my boring part-time job talking to kt (not boring, lol) and i get a click on my phone. tis call waiting. i looked at the number and did not recognize it so i clicked over. and its garrett. and shamefully, i ditch kt. im sorry!!! so we end up talking for way over an hour. and the conversation is more comfortable, more natural, and thats cool. we talked about his childhood on the farm and how cool it is he has stuck his hands up a cow's vagina to birth a cow baby. seriously, i would love to be able to say ive stuck my hand up a cow vagina. thats seriously groovy yo. but i digress. and we just chatted about his job and my job and life and stuff. finally, sleepy soldier boy had to go (it was like after 1am!). he said he liked listening to me and wanted to talk more but he knew hed hate himself at 6am when he has to get up. then, then, he asked me, how polite, if it would be ok for him to "harass" me again. how cute! and of course i said yes. and the fluffy bunnies in the valley high-fived.

of course the fluffy bunnies in the valley are probably also placing bets on when this is gonna totally explode in huge flames. those fluffy bunnies can be evil sometimes.

but yes, my mood has lightened some because of a couple of phone calls. and that is lame. and the fluffy bunnies in the valley are wagging their paws at me in warning. but i have to say it is nice to be desired in one way or another. and its nice to know that i was being a total non-understanding bitch when i figured i should write him off when he went awol. yes, kt, he had legit reasons and i had little faith. but i guess its better to have lower expectations than to have high ones and never have them reached.

but yes, so far its been cool. i like talking to him and he apparently likes talking to me. one can hope that things continue to go well and we'll meet and itll be sparks and we'll hump like little fluffy bunnies in the valley. and maybe my dream of returning to the fatherland and spawning little aryan children will come true. ok, seriously joking about that. its the whole german thing. lol!

and the little fluffy bunnies in the valley crossed their fingers, uh, crossed their paws.

Monday, January 16, 2006

More on Polygamy and General Responses

Let's see, polygamy. You could say monogamy was based upon economics or harmony, but in reality, we all know men love one-ups-manship and comparing, so if given the choice to provide another means for comparing, wouldn't polygamy win? And the men who comprised the church (or at least its guidance) at the time of these rituals conceptions, I'm sure had no issues with income. I mean the church is responsible for more needless slaughter than Ronald MacDonald (whom I love very much), so what's a little polygamy, even in the face of Adam and Eve?

North Dakota and growing up...
I think growing up is more about settling (que Death Cab for Cutie). You slowly become more patient and as you become another cog in the system you see less and less reason to thrash against it. Don't rock the boat when you're in it; I guess we all eventually get tired of swimming alongside the ship and climb aboard. This is not to say you don't know there are holes in the hull (or roof : ozone layer) but there's no point in fixing that until its so bad that the ship is officially sinking.

Perhaps its because we become more economically tied down and self-focused. I mean, as you grow older, you acquire more debts, but also more possession. I spend a LOT more time wondering how I'm going to afford another computer or new furniture than I do the state of freedom in Iraq, or even the fascist speed-trapping that goes on in my area by the local sheriff's office. And then you find yourself a parent (not myself currently) and that takes precedence over most everything else for at least 18 years.

I dunno, just brainstorming. I do think growing up = settling. Although the plots may differ, the character developments seem homogeneous.

At this point in my life (2 months from 30), I think I would be extremely happy to find a place to settle down, make some good friends, and just start churning out the happy memories, so if North Dakota has done that for you, Cathy, I think that's fantastic, boring or not.

Cowboy love...
I think its fun that there are women out there who are as excited by the idea of men-men sex as many men are of women-women sex. Personally, I don't find men attractive at all. I watched an episode of "Queer as Folk" finally. Quite entertaining. I admire the fact that they have this community they are a part of. But everytime a couple of guys started making out, I was a bit put off. Although the orgy scenes were fascinating, just because I'd never thought that would be part of a TV show (I do think the lesbian community was very sorely under-represented, I saw 0 lesbian orgies). Kind of made me chuckle when I saw them all in the gym because I started thinking...hmm, is the beer belly a sign of modern male heterosexuality?

And then there was the army...
Glad you have a new army boy, Susan. However, I've changed my mind about the military recently. It occurs to me that, while war is the ultimate failure of a government, war is the responsibility of those that wield the guns. There's no shucking that, either. You pull the trigger, you commit the sin. If there is a hell, Charles Manson will only burn in it for himself, not for his minions. So, I'm not terribly excited to see all the "Support our Troops" magnets as I used to be, or to have 2 cousins in the service.

That said, I love simulated war games...and sniping. And the military has great toys, particularly the Abrams A1 tank (ooh, shiver).

On the other hand, I love meat, but couldn't bring myself to kill an animal unless I was in extremely dire circumstances, so I rely on others to do that for me. I'm not sure why I don't equate meat with murder, I'll have to think on that. So, coming full circle, I'm not a pacifist, nor an anti-military activist, but if you're going to kill 17 people, I expect you to have damn solid reasons for doing so...and financial gain is certainly not acceptable, is it?

24 blue, hut, hut, F***!
And I would like to offically say F***! with regards to the Colts losing Sunday. I'm not sure who the hell to root for now. I guess I'll go with Seattle (Roll Tide, Shaun Alexander, Roll Tide).

Sunday, January 15, 2006

I'm sleeping with myself tonight.....

Dude. Your crazy train romances have already made news at 11. Actually, I'm guessing it must have been news @ 5, since MY MOTHER saw it and she's not a night person.

But hey, as far as I'm concerned, the only thing off-limits are unavailable men. (And, yes, that includes married men. Duh.)

I will add my warning that Major Drama is Not Fun. But maybe your experience will go better. As you engage the sniper, watch for the following potential issues:
Has Major Guilt over divorce and/or "abandoning" wife and child.
Puts other relationships (with said ex-wife and child) way ahead of any relationship with you.
Engages regularly with the ex for reasons other than said child.
Likes to pull gun out during foreplay.

The last one, not so much a divorce issue. Just me being snarky about the sniper.

I don't know what the older man syndrome is for you. You've been there a few times before. I don't know that it's a daddy fetish, really. For me, I'd never considered it until I ended up in a state where the majority of people in my age demographic are already married and not yet divorced. Age is an issue on the back-end: I don't want to date a guy not yet out of college, who still has no clue where he's going or what he wants to do or what he wants out of life. Maybe that's the allure? Men older than we are have some direction. They've already been on the road awhile.

When you are seeking direction, someone who has drawn a map is attractive. We no longer have mentors. The apprenticeship system has a lot to offer in the manner of knowing where you might go with life. Life-plans are no longer dictated to us by class and gender. Between the advances in equality through feminism and the benefits of education, we aren't railroaded into Stepford Life. But on the flip side, we also don't have a clue who, what, when, where, why, or how. It's a little like reinventing the wheel on a constant basis. But what are you going to do?

Me, I'd be happy to date someone within a few years of my age. I'd love it. I just have to find him.

Sniper Love...Its Driving Me Mad, Its Driving Me Crazy

wow, theres just a single army boy around every corner isnt there? here i am minding my own business and bam, army man, not army boy, comes barkin up my tree. and kt will love this one, hes 43. ah, older man love, gotta love it?

me and kt have gone round and round about older man love before, since both of us have "tread" that territory before. whats the attraction? i mean, dont people generally want the new model and not the used one? the one full of youthful vigor and lacking as much baggage (ex-wives and kids) that must come with decades more time on this shithole planet? are we just looking for daddy? but with hot sex? what would lead a girl to say, "43, hmmm, yeah, not an issue for me. ok, now fuck me senseless!"?

now with this guy, hes the total package. ok, to me at least. lets examine susan's Hot Boy Criteria Checklist (HBCC for short):

1. seriously hot? check
2. blue eyes? check (oh how they penetrate!)
3. german background? check (and part native american...hairless=hot!!!)
4. educated? check (working on second masters degree)
5. knows how to use a gun? check (marine sniper...yes, i said sniper!)
6. has a softer side? check (he went from being a sniper to being an army nurse...yes, i said nurse!)
7. sense of humor? check
8. wears a beret? check
9. currently single? check
10. has killed men for money? check (yes, he did a job as a contract killer in nicaragua once...once)

ok, i was only kidding about killing men for money being on my checklist, but it was funny...and he actually killed 16 men in order to kill 1 chick....but i digress.

now what the HBCC says about me, other than im clinically insane, i dont know. but see, there was no age requirement. why is that? surely life with army man could only be more difficult with the age gap and belly dancing ex-wife (seriously) and flute playing teenage daughter. yes, she plays flute. he apparently also has a penchant for native american flute. and somehow this native american flute fetish struck me as being weirder than the whole contract killing stint. go figure. im seriously deranged.

so why be attracted to an older man? is it the feeling of stability? is it the alleged wisdom of the age? is it the rugged older man aged wine-esqe looks? is it some ancient sociological/anthropological imperative that leads younger women to older men in that whole laura ingalls/almonzo wilder kind of way? or is it just something we cant control?

i mean, ive always said i like people for who they are and not for their gender or whatever. so i guess that applies to age as well, right? and why is it that we hop so easily into such potential drama? i mean, ask kt, ex-wife and teenage daughter=major fucking drama. but boys can be so cute, like little fluffy puppies just asking to be scratched and played with. how can you say no?

i dunno, ive always been one to hop on board the crazy train (thanks ozzie!) and apparently attraction is just one of those mysteries of the universe like crop circles and why paris hilton is so popular. but look, isnt he cute. and he wears a beret. im sorry, but berets are sexy hot. wouldnt you want this man to totally snipe your heart? and your pants? maybe thats it, the possible sexual experience (in an aged and not in a sleazy way), thats the attraction. the harlequin romance effect, to have your garden pillaged by a swarthy, war weary, older knight? please, rip my bodice, please, seriously, ill pay you...

though perhaps the more interesting question to be asked is why army man as bonafide people killer is a plus. is it that whole protector thing? or is it just cool that hes a total fucking ninja? or am i just deranged? its probably a combo of all of the above. i should totally seek help shouldnt i?

but hey, in the recent vein of kt, if its fun then whats the harm, right? worse case scenario here, he goes nutz, hunts me down, and snipes me. i mean, really, how likely is that? and even if that did happen, it would make a fabulous story for the obits wouldnt it? female cop gunned down by sniper lover, news at 11! i want everyone to know now that i want angelina jolie to play me in the movie version.