Truly Disappointing

Friday, January 13, 2006

Friday the 13th

Bueller, Bueller..........

Thursday, January 12, 2006

This just in......

I just found out that it's National De-lurking Week. So if there's anyone out there besides my "old friend," come out come out!

The closet is cramped anyway.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

yo soy brain-muerte.

Grand Forks. Is far. Is flat. Is dull and boring in Dodge state car.

Drove. Early. 4 hours +. Happy buildings still standing, not wet anymore. Lofts. Very cool, river views.


late meeting.

Stupid freaking senators with big fucking heads on C-SPAN. The hearings? ARE NOT ABOUT YOU. THEY'RE ABOUT THAT GUY OVER THERE,SAM. ASK HIM QUESTIONS. How difficult is that?

Freaking Thai food, man. In Moorhead. How fucking awesome rockingly fucking cool? PAD. FREAKING. THAI.

The next day? I-94 is still flat.

Tonight is LOST. Social experimentation is good entertainment.

Maybe brain will work in sentences tomorrow.

Perfesser out.

Join the Mundane Parade

cathy, dude, youre not boring, youre normal. ive been realizing that im more like everyone else than id hoped. lol. those crazy hollywood expectations, of lots of hip friends, living in a hip apt, and all that hip shit are sooo totally unrealistic. everybody is allegedly dull. at least you have a hobby, shit i dont even have that. i collect squat. very cute creamer btw, does it look like the kitty's vomiting milk? very groovy. lol! i dont knit like kt, i dont sew, quilt, cook, collect stamps, i do nothing other than watch tv and obsess over tv shows. and write here and read, but thats it. i have some friends but theyre far from hip and i dont see them very often. my apt isnt very hip with the kitty vomit and piss and the garbage bags i refuse to take out to the trash on a regular basis. lol! and by some estimations i could be considered a veritable shut-in. at least i havent taken to pissing in bottles and storing them a la howard hughes. i mean, i fucking meet people on the internet because i dont ever leave the house except for work and you dont wanna meet people at work in my kinda work, ya know? lol!

and damn it, i blame hollywood for all of these expectations. i grew up practically being nursed by tv. i learned about the world and life and love from tv. its all fake. and what a realization that was. there are no whirlwind romances, nothing is meant to be, you are not special and cool and destined for greatness. we are all just ordinary. and that sucks but its true. and i think the sooner i get that into my head the better i will be because i still irrationally cling to that whole hollywood thing sometimes. especially when it comes to romance. ugh, thats the killer of me.

i recently saw brokeback mountain. it was good. but damn if it didnt play into that romancy part of me. that whole true love thing. struggling through adversity for true love and all that jazz. to so totally burn for another person, man i dream of shit like that. but its all fake. its all fucking lies. theres no burning in love! love is just a fiction. love is just a chemical reaction and a whole shitload of luck. and sometimes i wonder whether love is even real. movies like this, though the man-love was so so hot, only serve to place false hopes into people. and as i mentioned before, hope can really kill ya.

so yeah, here i am, all average and alone. still desperately searching for the special out there that im beginning to think is extinct. but damn it, every once in a while i think i catch a glimpse of it, but then there it goes, and i dont know whether i saw anything or just imagined it. damn how i wish i was truly dead inside! lol! as funny and assinine as that sounds, it seems like things would be so much easier that way. or maybe the grass is just greener.

and no, military boy has not contacted me and though id like to say that it doesnt still bug me, it does. and maybe will for a while. but whatever, ill get over it. ill close off some and then meet another person maybe and ill open up again. and probably go through the same old crap again and again. but thats life i suppose. a parade of the mundane.

and btw, lorelai's wedding dress on gilmore girls makes her look fat. its not perfect, its ugly as shit. seriously people, quit ruining a good show. geez...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'm boring

Daniel says: "Welcome Cathy. If North Dakota is the biggest problem you've got - you're gonna turn out boring! LOL, just kidding. "

Okay - Daniel's remark about me turning out boring has struck a chord with me. I AM boring. I am 45 years old. That seems very middle-aged to me and this last birthday, really wasn't a happy one because of that. I feel and act like I'm 13 tho. I have a mediocre job that until last week, I really liked. Must have been something in the water that made the division directors here go loco. I like to read, but seldom take the time to do so. I like to knit, it keeps my hands busy and sometimes, I make something pretty. I love Donny Osmond. I collect cookie jars - but am out of space for any new ones - unless you have a McCoy Smiley Face you want to give me. I collect smiley face stuff - my cubicle houses that collection. I collect creamers. This is my latest addition - I think it is my new fave:

I have an Associates degree in Business Administration. I'd like to go back to school, but right now, no time, no money and really - no energy for it. When I was younger, I used to think I could make a difference in the world, but I've gotten over that. I am a responsible citizen, I pay my taxes, I vote, I shower on a regular basis. I've birthed and raised a son who I love with all my heart - even though he has broken it more times than you can imagine. I made alot of mistakes, what parent doesn't? But now he is legally an adult. Emotionally - not so much. But he knows everything and I am dumber than a stump.

But! I am content with my life. And right now, at this very moment, contentment is just what I need to keep me from going off the deep end. I have big plans for 2006. 2005 mostly sucked. It flew by, but still, can't think of much about it that was great. I used to be a whole lot o'fun and plan on being fun again. 2006 is the year of ME! oh- and my friend BC. We have a plan.

And as far as North Dakota being a problem. I don't think it is. I think North Dakota is one of the plusses in my life. I've lived other places. I came back here. I really don't think I would fit in anywhere else. I'm a small town girl. I've lived in North Dakota most of my life. I will probably die here.

So, Daniel - I know you were kidding with the remark - but it did get me thinking. Something I really should do more of.

Susan, hope your soldier boy has contacted you. I understand everything you said in your "that girl" entry. I, too, don't want to be that girl - but I think just by being a girl, we all are to some extent.

Polygamy - I couldn't do it. I don't like to share.

Kt is gone today. So I may actually have to get some work done. My e-mail is quiet. bummer. And might I add - Kt - You suck!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Growing Up

Glad to see you're finally processing all of that.

There is a difference between "settling" and "being settled."

In deference to the Socratic method:

Settling means that you are taking what's given, not fighting for anything better, and not being happy with what you have.

Being settled means that you are taking TODAY (no day but today, dude) and making what you can of that. Taking what you have and building from there.

In your fear of settling, you are not settled. For that matter, it isn't that I'm settled either. I scared the shit out of myself last year by buying a house. That is a committment. I lived so many years moving from place to place to place. In the 10 years since high school, I've had 11 addresses. It's always been about the next thing, to some degree, but this, here, the job and all, was my goal. I got here and really couldn't figure out what to do with all of this.

Frankly, I still don't know. I vascillate between thinking I could really put down roots here in ND and wondering what's next. I can't honestly see a long-term future here career-wise, but I also know that a lot of the indie contractors (okay, there are only a few) in my field will be retiring. Wide open spaces, both geographically and in my field. I could do it. I just don't know if I want to. Professionally, I'm somewhat lonely.

You can't put off being invested in your life, your liberty, and your pursuit of happiness "until." There's always another "until." It's like the Song That Never Ends, it just goes on and on my friend.

Again, life is about balance. Finding the right fork-perched moment when striving for your goals, whatever they are, allows you to still be invested in what you are doing today. When the pendulum swings equally into your personal and professional lives. When duty is balanced with personal desires.

If anyone finds it, can I have a map, please?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Feeling Like a Princess Perched in Her Electric Chair

wow, so all of you are seriously saying that i need to be patient with soldier guy because hes probably busy? ok, see, if i had pulled that one out myself i wouldve been ridiculed and told, dont make excuses for him being rude. you people fucking confuse me sometimes. and yes, as of the other day he was in iraq, and then kuwait as far as i understand, but as of today hes supposed to be back in savannah. and yes, im sure hes busy doing soldiery things and traveling and all that jazz. i dunno, im just not getting a good vibe here. i wrote him a brief email the other day and dropped the digits for when he gets back home. if he elects not to use them then i guess this mystery will be solved. or maybe all of this goes not to the "he's just not that into you" vibe, but my lack of confidence in my ability to successfully woo men. lol.

as for polygamy, dude, its so the church. sex is bad. except for makin babies. thus sex with multiple women is bad. except for makin babies...and who wants that many babies? is it not the whole sodom and gamorrah thing yo? i mean, it was the church who downplayed the role of women in the new testament (mary was so jesus' right hand woman and not a whore) and who has continued to royally fuck just about everyone except for rich white men (hmmm sounds like republicans doesnt it?!) so i would not be surprised if the church was the one who put the official ix-nay on the olygamy-pay. plus really, who wants all that drama, i mean really? and isnt it tough enough to find one woman to love and who loves you let alone 12? unless by polygamy you mean just fucking lots of women and then i believe the official name for that is man-whoring.

perhaps i should consult first but i thought polygamy was the whole marrying many women and not just fucking them. in that instance it would suggest that polygamy involves the love and romance of a man with multiple women, or perhaps my views of marriage are quite naive. shit people these days cant make one marriage work half the time let alone 12, so why should we really encourage that? what i think we should encourage maybe is a modified marriage, perhaps for shorter periods of time other than forever...forever can be a daunting thing now cant it and doesnt that put immense amounts of pressure on people? maybe if people agreed to marry for 2 years or 5 years and then have the option of staying together for more time after that things would work out better? who knows...

and the whole chivalry thing, that was all about a woman's chastity, not about the woman, not really. yet another way to objectify women and control them by making their cunts a thing of value. hey look, this cow hasnt been used yet, its still fresh, prime grade A beef my friends...

(after a couple hours tv break...)

you know, i think ive had a revelation...and im not sure where it comes from. im beginning to wonder if i am actually commitment phobic. i seem to have this driving need to escape, to run off to bigger and better things. ive been looking for the door at my job practically since ive been here, applying here, applying there. ive always said that ive always felt like ive been striving for something, always moving from one accomplishment to another to another without ever feeling like ive really accomplished anything at all. i always knew i was very goal oriented versus being process oriented, but now im really beginning to wonder. im also beginning to think about staying here with the dept and making a real go of it. am i finally settling down or merely settling?

my trip home over the xmas holidays really scared me. this whole psychology thing, which has pretty much been torpedoed of late, seems to come down to me most likely ending up back in pensacola and going to school there, thats my best shot at getting accepted into a program. but the thought of moving home terrified me. i realized, i like my apt, i like my alleged life, i do not want to move back from whence i came. i also dont really feel like starting over...again.

ive been putting off everything for many years now. i havent bought a house or bought something equivalent because i was always waiting to hear about something new i had applied to. i dont always seek out male company because i think, well im going to be leaving in the next year so why bother. ive been on hold now for almost 4 years. i havent written anything substantial because im waiting for that magical inspiration to rear its head. for someone who is so friggin impatient, why have i been standing in line for so long??

is it because deep down inside i dont really feel like i deserve it? is that why i havent met someone special yet? because i dont feel like i deserve it? is it why i havent gone out and lived my life? because i dont feel like i deserve it? im feeling an elton moment coming on...

when are you gonna come down?
when are you going to learn?
i shoulda stayed on the farm
i shoulda listened to my old man.
you know you cant hold me forever
i didnt sign up for you.
im not a present for your friends to open
this boy's too young to be singin the blues...
so goodbye yellow brick road.

have i been on the lam from life this whole time? is my face on some post office wanted poster as being guilty of chickening out on life? its so easy to run away from adversity and to start fresh somewhere else, but is that really being an adult? shouldnt i stop and take a stand for a change? shouldnt i make lemonade from these alleged lemons?

is this growing up...realizing when you have to stop running?

'cause if you look at my sister for example, she has never been satisfied. i always tell her to go out there and grab what she wants but she never does. she keeps trying to figure out what she wants her life to be yet it never seems like she figures anything out. she has flitted from one job to another to another and one degree to another to another. im beginning to see a pattern. and im beginning to see that pattern in me. i do not like what i see.

so what do i do? is this clarity or more obfuscation? im just tired of feeling like i live in the witness protection program, change my name, my identity, run from town to town. i think its time to stop planning the next move. i think its time to stop running. i think its time to start being...and accepting it. its time to start accepting me...the good, the bad, and the fucking pathetic...cause its all me, its all him, its all her, its all everyone...and thats ok. thats life.


Damn it all to hell. My computer’s running like molasses today and it’s pissing me off.

Hmmm. Polygamy. Well, I can’t speak from a male perspective, obviously, and I can’t even speak from the persepective of someone who’s dated more than one person at a time. Frankly, one Relationship is all that I can handle at a time. Actually, even one is more than I can handle sometimes. Eh, let’s be honest – more than I can handle most of the time.

Supposedly, one of the reasons to marry was so that, in the days when you handed down the land from father to firstborn son, you knew as a man, who your kids were. That’s not much of an issue for women. But that doesn’t explain why you wouldn’t want multiple wives. You’d still know which kid was born first. But in societies which did condone polygamy, wives would fight for stature, and I’d guess that that wouldn’t make for a pleasant home life.

Maybe it was economic. If woman was chattel, man had to provide for her as he would for his livestock. How many men could afford to support more than one wife? How many could today?

I don’t think that Kinsey’s support of marriage is all that surprising. He also divorced sex from its safe “cave” to be explored only within marriage. Marriage was between equals (not that K in the movie treated his wife like a complete equal) and his wife was a support system in a traditional manner that I don’t think he would have been successful without. Marriage was a friendship with sex, to him, and sex outside of that was an exploration of the range of human sexuality.

I guess what I don’t understand is how it is possible to do that exploring without supplanting some of the emotional investment in the primary relationship – the marriage in this case – with emotional involvement with your fellow spelunkers. Maybe that’s just because I can’t divorce the two – the physical and the emotional parts of sex.

I’ve never thought that sex needed to be the pinnacle of existence or an entirely sacred experience with the “true love” of your life. I’d be pure as the Virgin Mary otherwise. But I can’t stand for it not to mean anything at all. I’m a modern woman. I too can take care of the purely physical part all by myself. But love for one just ain’t as much fun.

Oh, and for the record? I’m of the opinion that the world needs more man-on-man action. Cowboy Lovin’ baby!!

"Kinsey" the movie

Okay, first of all, I'm sure North Dakota is a fine place...Despite the occasional bad press and harsh winters. I remember being in Illinois when they found a Georgia crematorium compound full of un-burned bodies. But people love to dwell on the negative.

Welcome Cathy. If North Dakota is the biggest problem you've got - you're gonna turn out boring! LOL, just kidding.

Susan- try to remember army boy is in the middle east. I'm not sure what his duties are, but he definitely has a valid excuse. Or, if his penis is the size of a boulder, perhaps he would tend to be a bit on the promiscuous side...Personally, if his penis is shaped like a boulder, I'm curious to see his "stones". Elephantitis, anyone?

Yet, in my casual observations, it seems as though many relationships are often comprised of one person being vastly more consumed with the other. Orson Scott Card had a great quote that I didn't write down (my favorite being "Isolation is the optimum environment for creativity") about relationships that basically went along the lines of worship is a very powerful sexual stimulant. Movie-star lust, sex-ceptions... Anyway, your stress about timing is probably in your noggin. All that said, the Gin Blossoms offered up great advice about dealing with other people - "If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down". In a very disjointed way, I'm trying to urge you to remain calm...but offer empathy to your stress. Typical friendly reaction I conveniently summed up in a sentence post-mental-masturbation (sigh).

Anyway, I just watched "Kinsey" the movie. Interesting. Men making out with each other is very trendy in Hollywood the past few years. But here's what it made me wonder.

Kinsey was fighting against social stigmas with regards to the sexual roles of men and women in society. He valued marriage, strangely, considering his relaxed viewpoints on sexual intercourse with many different partners (I will disclaimer this by saying that I have not read his books, only seen the movie which could certainly have been biased in many ways). But my point is beyond the movie. I think we can all admit that there are stereotypical roles for men and women to play in proper social unions in modern culture (Leave it to Beaver). Chastity, monogamy, abstinence.

But its the origin that confuses me.

How, in a "man's world" comprised of cultures that placed little emphasis on the value of women, did the concepts of the modern Christian marriage become so prevalent? Chivalry, monogamy. These are things that absolutely are not in the base nature of man.

Now, one could easily argue that its based upon the concept of possession. That man wants supreme dominance over the female, so he builds her a home and shackles her there. Okay, valid point, but why then wouldn't polygamy have become a socially acceptable practice - the norm even. Why dominate and cage one woman when you could have more than one. Testosterone is all about excess. Perhaps it was male competition? A man's jealousy over his daughter(s) not being the only woman in another man's life. That's a decent thought, but are we pack animals? Would a man choose his daughter's quality of life over his own and further the concept of monogamy based upon it? That isn't the view of man that I feel I have been given.

So are there merits to these traditions that were valid for their time? Yet, through minority reports of abuse, have seemingly lost validity or seem oppressive, even for their time?

I don't know, just wanted to throw that out since I have three women here to discuss it with. I'm going to walk away from it and not think anymore about it anymore because there are two NFL playoff games on today, and barbaric games of ground acquisition are far more important! LOL. I can already see several ways to improve what I wrote, but I'll leave it in rough draft form because I have 20 minutes to kick-off...


its funny, i was expecting kt to say that if i dont want to be that girl then i just needed to not be, period. somehow thats always easier said than done for me. i dunno, that particular mood has passed, the whole hope blows thing, though i kinda still believe that. i think im making progress though in that i can hit a low mood and not dwell in it very long like i used to. i made melancholy dwelling an art form years ago, thanks be to moz. though i have to say that the pernice brothers are another fabulous melancholy group. im listening to them now. such lyrics as "shaken like a shaken baby" and song titles such as "flaming wreck." mmmm yeah, sing it baby sing it. its atmospheric mope rock. flaming wreck is about a plane crashing with you on it. wow, that feels familiar. love it. hmmm, how bout changing the name of the blog to Shaken Baby? i kinda dig it yo...

man i gotta tell ya, this week has been rough. its not like work has been all that busy or serious or anything but its worn me down somehow. and now my shoulder has started to seriously ache. i have this weird history of muscle strains in that area between my shoulder blades. its very painful sometimes. nobody told me my body would break down so soon. i wonder if i have any muscle relaxers left over somewhere. i would sleep all day tomorrow but im going over to bearclaw's house (bearclaw=good chick cop friend from work). i havent really seen or spoken to her in forever. it sucks when you and a really good friend just have such disparate schedules that you dont see as much of each other as youd like. shes such an amazing person and mom and always has very realistic and down to earth advice. id like to hear her take on everything and on army boy who btw if you hadnt figured it out has been awol lately. never a good sign, but oh well. if nothing else ill have some yummy food and wont be alone for a while. always a good thing.

well anyways, i just keep yawning and my body is starting to shut down. sleep beckons. i love it when youre so tired you easily fall asleep and then you sleep really deeply. yum.