Truly Disappointing

Saturday, January 07, 2006

That Girl

ugh, i hate being that girl. you know, that girl who has expectations yet those expectations are always too high somehow. i should know by now that i should aim low (sorry, air force). i dunno, i always have a surge of hope when potentially cool things go down and i am always disappointed in the end. thats why lately when i meet new cool guys i like i go through this phase where im googley and then i hit this phase where im wary and cynical and feel like i shouldnt be liking the guy because of all the bad potentials, but then i usually get through this phase and write it off as a woody allen type moment. but eveyone knows that in the end ill still end up screwed and somehow i just cant quite remember that fact when i start getting hopeful.

see, i hate being that girl. you know, that girl who gets nervous when the guy disappears. when the email doesnt come or the phone call or whatever. how long is too long? why hasnt he contacted me? did i do something? its all incredibly assinine. and thats why i am totally embarassed for even mentioning it, but i feel that way anyways. perhaps this is just a sign that im still not there yet, you know, really ready to deal with other people in my life. or maybe i will just always be a basketcase with regards to guys.

i just have a hard time being zen about anything. the tao of steve, dude, put a gun to my head and i still couldnt achieve it. i am so weak. i hate that fact. i hate that i am feeling like that girl right now because that girl is fucking pathetic. though the subtle murder of a thousand hopes on a daily basis starts to wear after a while.

and its not just the guy thing, its the rec letter thing. its my "future." its me being unable to get my head where it needs to be. its me having no direction. its me floating around all dumb-assed all the time. its me feeling like i just need some lucky break for a change. its me feeling trapped by life. its me feeling very alone a lot of the time. its me and my auto-pilot. its me barely holding things together all the time (a surprising change of pace in all honesty from recent years). half the time i feel tranquilized. i feel like the fire has been put out.

yet it comes back to those hopes. i rebound, i pick myself up, i make new plans. and i stumble again and again. and the hopes come back, burning just a little less brightly than before. will there come a time when the hope just burns out? what then? what do i do then? or maybe living without hope will finally be freeing. no dreams to not achieve, no expectations to fail to reach, no diasappointment.

i hate being that girl...

Friday, January 06, 2006

Thoughts

See, Cathy? I knew you liked group things.
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Daniel, the new Bond is blond. It seems wrong. I don’t know why. But then, I don’t really watch spy movies. I leave that to other people. Although I did learn how to say something about The Cook in Russian while living with Susan and her Hunt for Red October fetish. I’ve forgotten it now.
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I do collect strange photos. They are useful in the blogging world. And they make me laugh. And that’s a good thing.
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We’ve made the national news for a few other things lately: Senator Dorgan’s potential connection to Jack A. (lol); the fact that we’re an economically viable state; the fact that we again slipped to LAST rank in teacher pay.

But you’re right. Crime, violent, at least, is low. Property crime is HIGH. But when I forget to lock a door, I don’t freak out. There’s something refreshing about that, even if it drove Susan nuts when she visited.
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Performance anxiety is an interesting phenomenon. It happens sexually, it happens when writing online where other people just might stumble across your musings, it happens in dating situations, work situations, and social situations.

My job requires me to speak publically. My audiences are generally not tough crowds and my public speaking skills are decent. I get hyped up beforehand because you really need that energy. I always feel as though I could have been better prepared, more well-spoken, more composed, and more interesting. I don’t do funny in these situations and I’m a total smart-ass normally. But I’m okay with that.

My job also requires social interaction in the form of receptions, occasional lunches, large meetings and conferences and that kind of stuff. I can force that, but have anxiety over how people perceive me. I’m a young person in a not so young state where people sometimes distrust the young people they profess to want to keep in the state (or attract to it, since I’m a transplant). But I try and feel okay about how I generally perform.

Now personal social situations are another thing entirely. When I’m not acting in my professional capacity, I feel as though I’m a less well-defined person. I know who I am when I’m completely open, being my goofy idiot true self. That’s the side that you know – well, not Daniel, since I’ve never met you. And I know who I am when I’m projecting confident professional. But I don’t always know who I am when I’m trying to meet new people. I don’t trust them enough to be open yet but I also don’t need or want to fake my confident professional self. I am not my job. So the in-between is an uncomfortable, grey, dead-man’s zone. THAT’s my performance anxiety.

Virgin Blogger

My first blog. Thanks for the invite. I am having a bit of performance anxiety, but not the same kind as Susan. I do numbers. Words are not my strong suit. But since I have met KT, I have been venturing out of my comfort zone. So far, so good.

So, what prompted the invitation for me to join? Well, maybe it was an e-mail that I had KT forward to Susan so she could better understand her man. Does this mean that people actually want my advice on dating? Doubt it. I suck at that. But there is one thing I do know a bit about. Living in North Dakota. So, my first blog entry will be about that. With a little help from Jeff Foxworthy.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarilybecause it houses the coldest spot in the nation,You might live in North Dakota.

In the past year or so, we have made the national news for being the home of Dru Sjodin and that Duncan guy who killed that family in Idaho and kidnapped the kids. I'd rather make the news because it's cold. We have good people here. Our crime rate is low and for the most part, it's a safe place to live. Even though it can get really cold.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,You might live in North Dakota.

Our Dairy Queens are closed. We have to drive to Mandan if we want a peanut buster parfait. It is about 7 minutes away.

If you measure distance in hours, You might live in North Dakota.

See above.

If you know several people who have hit deer more than once, You might live in North Dakota.

Wanna meet my mother? No? Okay, I'll save her for another day.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, You might live in North Dakota.

I helped someone reach something off a high shelf at the grocery store on Tuesday night. Like I said, we have good people here. I like to think that I am one of them.

And in honor of Susan's new favorite word: If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",You might live in North Dakota.

I never realized this was a North Dakota word. But KT informs me that it is. Oh well. I didn't buy some really pretty yarn last night, because it WAS too spendy.

Well, that's enough for today. I may revisit this topic another day....

Fun With Limericks

silly silly boy, the new james bond is going to be played by actor extraordinaire, daniel craig, who is currently co-starring in the new steven spielberg movie, munich, which i saw and would recommend. i believe craig is either british or australian, which is pretty much the same thing but with more panache. at first i wasnt so sure about him because my hope was for clive owen, but i see the error of my ways and believe that craig is perfect for the role...not that i really care that much about james bond considering i havent seen anything after octopussy! did i miss anything?

as for the mini, i so need to scan pics of the car and m
y injuries into the computer. my lawyer got the film processed so he didnt get a photo cd like i wouldve. oh well, its bad looking though. but thanks for the moment of silence. least we all know shes up there in mini heaven zooming around and having fun.

as for my performance anxiety, why do you find it so funny that i have it? i know i talk a big game at times, but seriously. i think theres generally some trepidation when you are getting back into things you havent done in a while, not that i
m planning on having sex anytime soon. but yes, i communicate with guys about where and how and all that jazz, the issue up to this point has been that the couple of guys i chose (unwisely) didnt give a shit about what i had to say and did not have the caring or patience to wanna figure my body out. thats all on me yo for chosing poorly, but still, you strike out a few times and you start getting worried that its a streak, ya know. im sure im just overthinking things because when i find a decent and caring guy to bang things will work out.

as for sperm wars, i will check it out next time im at the bookstore. ask kt, sex and people totally fascinate me. i practically had my own kinsey study going on at the dinner table every night during college. my newest topic of interest in that area is as
king men and women about their views on facials (men ejaculating onto women's faces, fyi). i found out that several of the guys i work with are really into giving a girl a facial and i would like to know why (considering that they couldnt really verbalize why it was so cool to them). to me it seems as if facials are kinda barbaric, like its the man marking his territory or somehow trying to defile a woman's identity or something . it seems like a power thing. i dunno, im a curious kitty. and as for men being horn dogs, its the testosterone. its all chemical, testosterone gives men a higher sex drive and thus they feel they gotta have sex more often. thats why they give post-menopausal women testosterone when they have sexual difficulties.

ok, as for the letters of rec, i wasnt sure if you were t
elling me to read them or telling the writers to read them. i didnt know what the typical etiquette was regarding rec letters so i didnt think it was appropriate for me to ask to read them before they were sent out. i guess i figured the writers would be more candid knowing i wasnt reading them. and how the fuck would i have reacted and dealt with it if i had been there with them reading these letters, or lack of? we're talking fucking oscar nomination, ok. one funny side note about the letters, turns out the guy who wrote the crazy letter that made him sound retarded just freaked out in a TGIFridays and later went into the chief of police's office and told him hes an alcoholic and needs help. yes ladies and gentlemen, one of my rec letter writers has broken with reality and turned to the bottle. mmmmm yeah, gotta fucking love that fucking luck. i am so screwed and this proves that there are evil forces at work trying to thwart my sorry ass. go me!

as for the game of life, life aint no fucking game apparently or else i just suck at playing it. but i liked the metaphor, daniel, you are officially allowe
d to stay. lol! metaphors rule this sad little world of truly disappointing. and as kt can attest to, when i played life as a kid i did it totally cutthroat, as i do every game i play (including uno). please, never allow me to be in charge of the nuclear bomb button because we will be so screwed.

as for social security, check this shit out. if youre getting social security you are not allowed to work to add to your income. if you work they take your check away. seriously. my dad does a bunch of volunteer type stuff at my old high school and they have offered to pay him for all of his work but if he takes the money he loses his social security. so of course he takes the free money because its more than what he would get for d
oing other stuff. isnt that horrible? they make you dependent on social security or else wholly dependent on some job that probably doesnt pay too much to begin with. thats just not right yo! im surprised my dad hasnt started eating catfood or something. though if he put apple sauce on it he probably would. lol! apparently apple sauce is some kind of german universal condiment or else my dad is just nutz...its even odds on that one. gotta love the us govt catch 22s.

and cathy, yo, come write with us. btw, i gotta apologize to you for my zombie-like performance in bismark. as im sure you can tell here, i am more animated and am not in fact the living dead although i am pale and sometim
es have my out of it moments.

ok as for the 12 step plan, i say we make it something like 14. it just sounds funny, yeah man im working this great 14 step plan...lol! or we could just come up with stuff and keep changing the number as we go. and should we do it in the form of like commandments? thou shalt not...? thou must blah blah blah or else be smited...? and i swear if theres any mention of god, the almighty, or some mystical bullshit i will fucking smite someone. i love that word, smite. yeah baby.

ok as for the pic, do you have like a bizarre storehouse of weird pics? the cat with the lime rind, this wacko guy. very bizarre. and if you posted a pic i think its time for me to post a pic or two. we can start a series here like Weekly Boy Critique or something. but try to keep the pics small since resolution seems to be an issue. feel free to rip the guy apart, make jokes, write haikus, or whatever. we shall start with my new arm
y boy. now kt has already seen his pic and was not impressed with his huge machine gun (a reaction that i find truly disappointing). lemme know what you think...



observe his hearty midwestern farmboy looks, his piercing green eyes, that sumptuous kissable mouth, that come hither smirk... and hes trained to kill! sweet!!! what more could a girl want? hes edu-macated, can milk a fucking cow, and says he can get lost in bookstores for hours (because he likes books and NOT because hes retarded and just cant find his way out by himself). no whammies, no whammies, no whammies.....stop! jackpot baby yeah!

hmmmm, im feelin a limerick coming on, oh how i love the limerick...

there once was a farmboy soldier,
who could with one look make you smolder.
he pulled out his gun
which made the girls run
'cause his dick was the size of a boulder.
(of course im merely speculating about that last part, but would it really surprise you? lol!)

oh yeah, classic. lmao!!! thats sooooo bad.....but then again what limerick isnt?! i think its clear from this demonstration of my writing prowess that i am officially sleep deprived. you find something else that rhymes with smolder or soldier. its rough man, seriously. ok, time for sleep.

Thursday, January 05, 2006



THIS is how happy I am about Truly Disappointing.

(Now that was fun to say)

Why yes, I WAS visitor 007 to the blog...

The new Bond is from Munich I hear...Something about that doesn't sit right. Unless there's a Munich in GB somewhere.

I find it funny that Susan has performance anxiety with regards to sex. There is a very short list of things a woman can do wrong in bed, and a full 90% of them is insulting the size of a man's genitals - which encourages his own performance anxiety. Of course, if you're only gonna socialize with boys in war zones, sex isn't much of an issue, is it? Oh wait, I keep forgetting about webcams...

But yes, your long hiatus from intercourse will naturally surprise men and maybe hurt our collective feelings - are we not worthy? There are medical reasons for men to feel anxiety over a lack of copulation: Click here or go read Sperm Wars, by Robin Baker - which the link cites as source. So Susan, those guys are reacting perfectly normal per their psychology. And you just thought we were horn dogs...

And now, a moment of silence for the lost Mini Cooper...

With regards to knowing yourself and intercourse, I have a question. How well do you communicate to your partners? Most women I talk to about the subject don't convey much to their lovers initially. They just hope things will go their way I guess. Perhaps this is some strange compatibility test? Or do guys keep pulling out car batteries and jumper cables on you? Hey, it could happen. I saw it on a "Family Guy" DVD just the other day.

And in the future, proofread your letters of recommendation. Its not like cheating on a test, its a necessary cover-your-ass move. A move that is something I would imagine someone working in the public sector should be quite well-practiced at. Remember, nobody cares as much about you as you do.

Okay, this is getting long and I promised myself I would be concise.

KT - check out Embrace's song "Ashes" - it's my personal anthem for 2006. Rise, friend, rise.
Sad, when we were kids playing the game of "life", you just magically acquired a little pink or blue statuette to live happily ever after with.
It's a real bitch that in the real game of life it requires a near constant rolling of the dice to find 'em, idn'it?

Alright, now that I've done that whole macho, swoop-in-and-offer-tough-love-solutions-to-everybody's-problems act (incredibly self-confident for a guy with such self esteem issues); I'm going to take my fat ass downstairs and work on my own. ; )

Oh, and I'd like to give a shout out to the Social Security Administration for making my life hell as my mother turns 65 and can't understand their @#(*$&)'ing paperwork and programs.

,.|.. (.\ /.) ..|.,

<3 ASCII art.
Daniel.

12 Steps

I love the idea of a blogged out 12 stepper. Although, I don't think that we need to be limited to 12. 12 is an arbitrarily chosen number which doesn't really seem to have magical properties or anything.

12 apostles.
12 monkeys
12 months

how many astrological signs are there??

What is the eventual goal of the TD Step Plan?

I'll ponder it, but I've got to go finish prepping for a phone conference regarding the Dwight D. Eisenhower System of Interstate and Defense Highways. Yeah. Not joking.

DUDE

Daniel? SeriouslY? You're alive, man??

Hi!

Engraved Invitation

CATHY

Come blog with us.

We talk about dumb boys a lot.
And other stuff.

But we're sure as hell not too busy singing to put anybody down.

I 'membered.

www.smittenkitten.com

Based in Minneapolis.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

You have chosen.....poorly

On another note, and yet still ignoring the boy-post because I don’t feel like talking about boys right now, why the hell are you registering at Vicky’s? Seriously?

How about Babes in Toyland (or whatever their new name is)?
Good Vibrations?
There are a few others. I’ll look them up when I get home.

Eye Roque

Yep, I know, I rock. Born again.

I’m trying to remember the myth of the phoenix. Does the phoenix come back with its past life experience or not? Because if it does, perfect metaphor:

The last relationship that I was in crashed and burned. It was like staying in the plane too long and losing your chance to bail out and use your parachute, so you end up like a LOST survivor, only not as grimy-sex because you do have a shower and don’t have a hairstylist, and you have to rebuild. From the ashes, rise anew. Now, the plane blew up. You survived. You’re bruised and maybe you’re the doctor who can’t sew shut the wound in his own back – so you have to ask for some help, to trust someone, even though that’s difficult sometimes, because You? Can’t. Do. It. Alone. (Sometimes? You can’t make it, on your own. Thanks Bono.) So you ask for help, you stitch yourself up, and you rebuild. And because the plane Blew Up? You have no baggage. It burned. It’s gone. Clean slate, fresh start, new bed with new sheets for you to make up and lie in.

So this is the trick. How do you crash the plane and watch it burn without sustaining fatal wounds or life-altering physical damage? How do you burn the luggage without burning yourself?

And therein lies the question.

The Human Toll

mmmmmm boys. i recently met a boy online. roll your eyes as much as you want, at least im making an effort. i think hes incredibly hot. hes got amazing green eyes, oh the piercing green eyes, and his lips are to die for, so supple and kissable. plus he packs on a bunch of whoop ass every day in iraq and i think that makes him even hotter. what a patriot! lol! hes from minnesoooo-taaahh. from a farm actually. mmmm farm boy fantasies. hes educated, got a degree from some school in north dakooo-taaah actually in some farming subject, i forget. he says hes good with his hands.....oh i hope so! he seems like a still waters run deep kinda guy and that intrigues me. course you never really know until you meet somebody, but its been a while since ive been googley over a guy and its kinda nice to know i still can be. i figure i can at least enjoy this fun part even if it doesnt end up going anywhere. hes coming back from iraq next week i think and that makes me glad.

i just watched a few episodes of band of brothers, an hbo show about WWII. i think it makes me like him even more, the whole military thing. plus, in a way, like we talked about some today, even though im not military i kinda get the whole military thing being a cop more than most people do. its weird, when youre in these kinda fields you do almost have a brotherhood with other cops and soldiers. until youve lived it and seen what weve seen you just cant get it. and that changes you. im sure thats only amplified when youre at war and see friends die. i kinda feel a kinship with him because of this. i mean, and i didnt get this until i was a cop and then it had to be explained to me (guess i was slow at first), but what we cops say to each other when we say goodbye is "be safe." i never much thought about it too intently but now it really hits me with its poignancy. despite us going out there and seemingly ignoring the dangers, we really are very aware of it every day. and every day could be the last for any of us. and until youre put in that situation and see people die in front of you you just cant get it, not in the same way i dont think. and every time i chat with him, when its time to say goodbye i always tell him to be safe and i sincerely hope he is.

its funny, i dont think we really understand about the soldiers over there, tv and the news certainly dont show us the real side, the human side, the i just wanna make it through another day safely side. and i guess id never much thought about it until i met someone who was over there living it. its really sad, the toll it must take on these young kids over there, having to grow up so fast and deal with things nobody should ever have to deal with. as a cop i havent seen a fraction of what they mustve seen but ive already been permanently changed from what i have seen. the change scares me sometimes. im afraid for those soldiers coming back to regular life and how hard it may be for them. i dont think people think about that much and thats sad. the human toll as they call it, its all very sad. i wish more people thought about it. i wish more people cared.

i didnt intend this post to be so morbid, i really didnt, but it kinda turned into a more thoughtful thing i guess. i dont feel so bad about starting to really like this army boy because its me living in the moment. its me enjoying his company while i have it and vice versa. even if nothing happens with him and we go our seperate ways, at least i took his mind off the horrors of war for a while and that makes me happy. it makes me feel like i really did something for somebody. i think more people should send packages to the soldiers even if they dont know one personally. i think more people should write and send pictures to them because i learned today that it really does matter, it really does help them get through another day. its amazing how hope and the anticipation of hearing from a friend or loved one keeps a person going in tough times, how our human connections keep us connected to life.

army boy seems like a very kind and gentle soul and even though i dont know him well right now, i worry about his human toll. but then again i guess life itself leaves us all with a human toll in one way or another.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Do-Over!!!

Huge Disclaimer: after writing this post i went out and googled born-again virgins and the associated movement. i am in no way talking about or espousing this right-wing, nut-o christian, anti-sex, anti-abortion (and even anti-masturbation- "masturbation undermines good character...") group of freaks and uneducated bible-thumpers. being the post-modern gal i am i have taken their idea and re-worked it to work for me. i am in no way "saving myself" for marriage, but am merely moving on from past bad experiences and trying to regain the mindest that sex is a joyous activity, though not necessarily to be taken lightly (not that i ever did that). if god smites me then so be it.



ok, as many of you may not know i have not had sexual intercourse for about three years, give or take. and because im not a guy who is flooded with testosterone all day long its not that big of a deal for me really. i dont feel as if im gonna die or my parts are gonna shrivel up and fall off because of it. thats the reaction i get from guys when they find out about my hiatus (so to speak), they all seem like not having sex is the equivalent to being tortured by the viet cong or something. well its not, but i do gotta say that it doesnt help the emotional aspect of being a sexual being. its kinda like not having exercised in a while but deciding to try again and then not bothering becuase you just dont wanna deal with the pain and feelings of failure that inevitably come with beginning a new exercise program. not having had sex for several years has embued me with a slight performance anxiety which of course makes me feel like a tool.

of course the performance anxiety doesnt just come from long years of abstinence, but from prior frankly shitty sexual experiences with frankly shitty people. ive learned a bunch about what is ok and not ok with me with regards to sex, though sometimes i think that knowledge has also made me more mindful of the whole issue, more so than i should be, which in turn adds to the performance anxiety. and as that creepy old lady on the oxygen network, sue johannson, has said, if your head keeps saying "penis penis penis" becuase youre worrying about your penis doin its job then its not gonna. truer words hath not been spoken, thanks sue. its like my mind keeps saying "orgasm orgasm orgasm" as if if i dont orgasm im a failure which frankly is a very western way to think about the sexual act (i know you agree with me on that one, sting). thus i think i may have found an answer, as silly as it may sound...i am announcing myself as a born-again virgin (thanks kt!). please, hold the applause. fyi, i will be registered at victoria's secret if you wanna, you know, pick something up for me in celebration of this joyeaux occasion.....

now, i know many of you out there may think of the whole born-again virgin thing as being a strictly religious schtick, but i really think it has secular applications. i frankly had never much thought about the idea until tonight. honestly i had actually scoffed at the idea when it has come up on previous occasions, mostly because it seemed like a goofy jesus-y thing, and we all know we must scoff at goofy jesus-y things, but tonight something struck a chord in me. is it possible to just let go of all that sexual baggage and wipe the slate clean? i mean, not to the point where i say ive never had sex (that would just flat out be goofy and a total fabrication), but to the point where i acknowledge myself as a sexual being but see future encounters as separate and distinct from past encounters? sure, i wont forget how to kiss a man to the point that hes panting for more or fucking him til he screams with ecstacy (ok, now im just blowing my own horn...ok, and slightly exaggerating), but ill take each new experience as it cums (yeah im on a roll...). or is this born-again virgin thing better on the drawing board than in application?

the answer to that is i dont know...yet. i mean, you always hear self-help people tell you that if you think something will happen, it will, or more commonly, if you put your mind to it... so is it just a matter of mind control? of deciding to leave the junky sex behind? i think, yes, it is. because lord knows that the man on the grassy knoll aint gonna solve my sex problems now is he?! could it possibly be that easy? to be with a new love interest and to have him in your mind to the exclusion of all the emotional pollution floating about in your head? yeah, i think that if the bond and sizzle is really there with that person that perhaps that comes naturally. maybe its just a matter of me not having met a sizzle guy recently. or maybe i just need a lobotomy.

and if we all think back to when we were virgins, some more recently than others, wasnt there this amazing intensity of expectation about it? i mean, sex was magical and it was like this holy grail of wondrous fun to be someday had. i think, or rather, hope that this youthful view of sex comes with the whole born-again virgin package. wouldnt that make future sex that much better, to have the anticipation of something exciting coming instead of the dread of that shitty thing happening again? i think so. though on the other hand, if you havent had sex in a while and now youre thinking of this fabulous thing it certainly underscores the whole sex drought feeling and could start making you crazy. but you know, thats something i would happily live with if i could regain a positive and excited view about sex. plus i always have my hand or my vibe. girl knows how to take care of her own, yo.

and maybe this whole born-again thing could reach out into other areas, such as relationships. if we could all just crack out of our shells all glisteny and new and gross and go about the relationship world with new eyes every time, though with that wisdom we learned previously, wouldnt relationships be just a little bit easier? hmmm, maybe do-overs arent just a childhood thing.

dooooo-oveeeeerrrr!!!

180

Okay, see I took the exact opposite tact for the new year. I spent the last few weeks of December reviewing last year and the path that placed me where I am. Last year? Truly disappointing. But there were upsides. I bought a house, for one.

So I reviewed. I planned (yup, that's me!) and I tried to figure out the elements that make up the serenity prayer of my life:

The things I can control? Think finances, nutrition, exercise, sleep, stress.

Things I can't control? Other people, although I can choose the people I associate with outside of my professional environment.

Wisdom to know the difference? Well, that's the goal for the year.

So far this year, I've completed a theoretical budget (which was blown the instant I got the heating bill for last month. Holy fucking shit.). I've cooked two meals for myself. I made my lunch for today and made breakfast for the week. I control the food aspect of my life. I've slept 32 hours in three days. I finally boxed the last of the need-to-be mailed Christmas presents and will seek to mail them today.

Tacked to my office wall is this deep and insightful moment from one of our Employee Assistance Program handouts. Normally, they suck, but this one? Is worth repeating:

One of the biggest problems we have with our expectations of others is not telling them what we want or need. We assume they will somehow know what we expect from them. This is particularly common in close relationships where love is supposed to "conquer all." But, no matter how much you are loved, if you haven't told someone what your needs and feelings are, you are likely to be disappointed.


For people who don't love you? Eh, forget about it.

Truly, truly disappointing...

i gotta say, lately everything seems truly disappointing and im not totally sure why that is. perhaps this is just adulthood? or maybe im really just in purgatory being tortured by all of those things i fucked up in a previous life? im voting for the latter at the moment as im currently having a grassy knoll moment. you roll your rock up the hill and you think youve made it and then, wham, some dude comes and knocks it down the hill and youre back to square one yet you try it again and again. makes you wonder why we choose to keep rolling that rock up the hill. whats that commonly quoted crap about insanity being doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results...

ugh, i gotta say im seriously enraged. we are talkin flames flames on the sides of my face. im applying to grad school again so i needed letters of recommendation. since ive been out of school i had to get a couple of letters from people i work for in the police department. i approached a couple of people who i thought knew me personally and professionally and asked them if they could write the letters. i gave them over 6 weeks to accomplish this task before the first set of deadlines came around. well, turns out one of the guys fucked around or something and managed to wait until the last minute. the problem with this being that one of the schools i was applying to required me to collect the letters and send them in with my application. well lets see since i just got his letter today (jan 2nd) and the deadline was jan 1st it looks like that ones crossed off the list of choices. so since i wasnt going to be sending those letters in i decided to open them and read them. this of course was a very bad decision.

turns out that the late guy didnt even write a fucking letter. all he did was half-assedly fill out the coversheet form the school wanted with the letter. now i explained the procedures to him and what he needed to do (being write a fucking letter, print it out a few times and fucking staple it to the coversheets!!!). well if his letter was anything like the letter from the other guy i asked at work maybe his not sending a letter was better. this other guy wrote a letter as if he was retarded and im only slightly exaggerating. the letter had numerous errors in it and just sounded like a simpleton had written it. i dont know if he just sucks at writing letters or if he intended to screw me, but either way i am screwed. im sorry but...

THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE AND FUTURE HERE YOU ASSHOLES!!!

who does this? i mean, how can i possibly not feel completely betrayed and fucked? i feel that enough in the police dept as it is without something like this goin down. do you know how hard it is to not feel like somebody somewhere just doesnt want me to escape this place?! i dont wanna sit and feel all paranoid but its hard not to. i worked my ass off preparing for the gre and writing my statement of purpose and filling out the applications and getting all my shit straight for the deadlines and then wham these fuckers fuck me. i feel like i just cant fucking win. i actually did the work for a change, but alas it seems like work is a very small part of the overall equation. and i wonder why i have recurrent trust issues...

i just dont know what to do any longer. im so in a tizzy all the time about work and my future and some really serious fucking questions about life and i just cant make heads nor tails of all of it. im just so tired of all the crying and confusion. the more time that passes the more distant i feel from people. i used to be so connected with people and i craved those connections, but now i seem to just retreat inward and its starting to get pathological. i guess i feel like if its me that betrays myself i only have myself to blame and its not so much a surprise as when somebody outside does it to you. emotional suicide definently sounds better to me than emotional murder.

and to think, the other day i was writing an email to someone and i was telling them that the usual sense of forboding i get when new years comes calling hadnt yet come along. i told him that it seemed like this year might actually be kinda ok. and yeah, it may still, but shit, i already feel two strikes down.

yes, moz, people can be truly truly disappointing...