Truly Disappointing

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Woof Woof

sadly, i haven fallen into dog the bounty hunter. for those not in the know, dog the bounty hunter is a show on a&e about a bounty hunter and his bounty hunting family. his name is dog and they work in hawaii. aloha. i never thought id ever watch it because well it sounds jackassy but i guess a&e has been playing the shit out of it lately and i got sucked in. its not bad really. good fluff tv and its something new i havent seen all the episodes of yet. sad, but true. just give it time.

in other news, i pulled out the spotbot and attempted to de-piss my chair. i even unstuffed the pillows and cushions and washed their covers. now im thinking i may cut away some of the pissy parts of the foam from inside the cushions to further de-piss everything. the trick will be to re-stuff the large foam piece into its cover. ill let ya know how that went! lol!

i also finished my butterfly cross stitch as well as my "fuck the dumb shit" cross stitch from the subversive cross stitch book. i seriously need to take pics. if i ever get any money i may buy frames for them. as of right now i dont have enough money to pay rent. our part-time job money hasnt come in and its a month's worth of money which is a lot. im supposed to be picking up my check tomorrow. we shall see. susie's got bills to pay yo.

i also have my therapy session for the week tomorrow. i think i wanna talk about some work stuff and about guys. ive been emailing a couple dudes casually and one of them texted me tonight. i find myself falling into similar thought patterns when it comes to guys. i need to break them. i automatically go into defensive mode and the whole does he just wanna bang me mode. neither of which is healthy. this is a tangled knot i need to undo. i need to learn how to approach things from a healthier point of view. i may as well delve into the guy past with my therapist and start really hitting that yo. ive already addressed the pleaser habit which im working hard to undo, but alas that subject is a minefield of unhealthy thoughts and actions. but thats why i pay my therapist the big bucks yo. let the progress continue.

i spoke to my sister the other night. her world is crumbling as usual. i cant get stressed out about it anymore. shes an adult and she can never manage to get out of her funk. i cant even speculate anymore what her funk may be caused by. i think shes just one of those people who will be kinda fucked up for life. that kinda makes me sad, but thems the breaks ya know. i do feel kinda bad sometimes because she makes an effort to try and be part of my life and to keep in contact and i dont always reciprocate. its just not a natural thing to share my life with my family. maybe i should discuss that in therapy too. couldnt hurt.

as for my insomnia, seems like its going around, even taking the sleeping pills my psych prescribed doesnt help me stay asleep as long as id like. i can manage to fall asleep but i find myself waking up every once in a while and having to make myself go back to sleep. is my body just telling me it wants less sleep? if so then why do i feel sleepy all the time? the same thing happens if i just fall asleep without pills. who knows. its annoying though. i havent had one of those really satisfying deep sleeps in a while. i do notice i have more vivid dreams when i take pills. hmmmm, interesting.

speaking of dreams, it came up last week in therapy about a recurring dream ive had most of my life ever since i can remember. its basically where im trying to talk but i have gum or something sticky and stretchy in my mouth that i cant get out. the dream frustrates me to no end because i really want the stuff out of my mouth so i can communicate but it just wont come out no matter how much i pull at it. this of course could symbolize any number of things, but basically i think its me telling myself im not communicating in the way id like. somehow im muzzled either by myself or something else. this could apply to many situations. its something to continue to think about though.

well anyways, seems i have a migraine right about now. and of course i refuse to take anything for it. im silly. but it hurts when i walk around cause my head moves. maybe my cross stitch is making me go blind and thus causing the headaches. who knows. or maybe im about to stroke out. either way, its bad time and maybe a little reading. ive got angels and demons by dan brown. yes, i know, i should be ashamed. but light reading is good right now. i hope reading doesnt make the headache worse. damn me!

2 Comments:

  • I was on Celexa a few years ago. The best thing about it was the vivid dreams. I miss them.

    By Blogger Cooth, at 1:29 PM  

  • have you tried the relaxation CD's? I have an ocean one I play every night......LOVE it, sleep well.

    By Blogger Tug, at 1:33 PM  

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