Truly Disappointing

Saturday, June 24, 2006

No Glove, No Love

well shoot i havent meant to abandon anybody! ive just been out of it when it comes to writing things lately i guess. plus right now i think i have strep throat. i looked at my throat in the mirror and can see white spots on it which i think is strep. when i get home tonight im gonna go take some of my leftover antibiotics. yes i know, you arent supposed to do that. so sue me. if itll make me feel better im gonna do it. so i might just create a resistant super strain of streptococcus, so what? lol! seriously, i feel like cold ass.

so anyways, i hate myself. i know that as garrett is, the whole quiet thing, me and him probably arent a match made in heaven. i do have to admit that hes been on my mind quite a bit and im having second thoughts about my determination regarding him. im not sure why my resolve here has weakened. some guys just do a number on ya. garrett is one of those guys i guess. sometimes its hard to remember the uncool stuff when some very cool stuff happens. its like that line from a song whose name i cant remember about how they get back together after breaking up because they couldnt remember why theyd split but then it only is a matter of time before they remember exactly why they shouldnt be dating. does anybody know what song im talking about here?

and its like, im wondering if i gave it enough of a chance. im sure im just overthinking here. shit, boy cant return my texts or emails. he drives me nuts. i must resist the yummy snuggliness and cuteness. after all, in nature its always the pretty plants and bugs and shit that are the most poisonous. i must remember this. and we all know i cant do the whole he appears, he disappears bullshit. thats so not cool. damn i just want this to fade. i think its just a matter of time.

i guess what really set this whole deal off was the date i went on after the garrett excursion. i found myself thinking during the date how this guy wasnt even close to as sweet and cute as garrett. then of course i started to miss garrett. im sure that if i saw him again i would remember just how much the silence bullshit bugged me. oh fuckin a, whatever. this bird has flown.

then of course theres the matter of no glove no love. never have sex when youve been drinking...a lot. shit this is so bad. i have never done anything so fucking dumb in my life. but yes, garrett and i had sex sans protection. i havent been on the pill for a couple weeks because i missed getting my refill in time to start and neither one of us had a condom. yes, i know, i totally deserve whatever i get from this. i bring this up because of cooth's blog post the other day about getting pregnant with her son.

i guess i wonder if cooth ever thought about not having her son or if it wasnt even a choice. ive been wondering what i would do if i got pregnant. right now im more or less in a place where i could get by with a child. it would be hard to do it alone, but it could be done. and im partially of the mindset that you take things as they come and deal with them and accept responsibility. and then of course i think about the whole deal of telling the father. you dont want the guy to think you did it on purpose or for them to feel resentful, but at the same time dont they deserve to know about their child and what may come of things? ultimately its my body and if i wanna have an abortion i can, in a few remaining states at least, but i still get hung up on the ethical dilemma of the father's role.

as women im sure we've all had those pregnancy scares though im sure most of us havent been quite as blatantly retarded about it as i was this last weekend, so im sure yall are diggin me here with this one. i dunno, im just curious to hear what yall have to say on this. my periods due here in the next week or two i think so i guess i will know what the deal is soon enough. i dunno, im not panicked really because you just do what you have to, thats life. and if nothing else, as my therapist said, garrett and i would make one damn fine lookin baby together. lol! and i dont want to sound flippant here but i just cant undo whats been done. im trying to accept my fuckups. doesnt mean ill do it again mind you, but i gotta accept all of my fuckups.

so yeah, thats that. i guess ill keep yall updated as to period watch 2006. lol! trust me, i harbor no illusions of garrett stepping up to the plate here. like i always say, you might as well do it yourself. thats the bob villa way and thats the susie way. im sure ive written all of this for no reason. im sure aunt flo will arrive and all that jazz and i will have dodged another bullet. and of course now yall are like thinking im a total fucking moron, but hey, im human and to fuck up is to be human.

things are much better in my head and in my world these days. i can actually say with a straight face that despite all the bullshits of life im happy. and i have to resist worrying about what everyone else thinks. i still have some of that in my head and im workin on it. maybe thats why i havent posted as much because i still havent gotten over that worry about other people's perceptions of me. ultimately those perceptions dont really count. i also worry about kt. while i have nothing to prove to her or anyone else, she still is an important person in my life. i never want to disappoint the people i love.

well anyways, seems that work calls. im on a part-time job now and i think im about to get a call. im just trying to make it through the night feeling like ass and being tired and all. i shall keep yall updated.

1 Comments:

  • It's how my daughter came about, & I wouldn't give her up for the WORLD. It worked out, but it WAS tough. A lot. Hang in there, learn from it, stop & BUY CONDOMS to have......& good luck with the strep or whatever it is.

    By Blogger Tug, at 2:16 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home