Truly Disappointing

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Pandoras Box

man, i freakin hate myself and my lack of trust. tom went off to work this morning and here i am rummaging. its horrible. its like a disease. you discover old girlfriends in pictures and letters and i even found a treasure trove of condoms and a condom wrapper in the garbage. not sure what to make of that one. and its not like i can really ask now can i? i dunno, i wonder what tom would think of me if he looked through my things when i wasnt home. i wonder what my things would say about me. i should not have done it because i opened pandoras box. nothing good ever comes out of pandoras box. the seed has been planted. but sadly how could i not snoop some considering what went down with raiden. i so shouldve snooped on his ass. i hate having this trust issue. i hate second guessing everybody i meet. though sadly in many cases second guessing is a good thing to do because i apparently meet a bunch of crazy fuckers.

i dont know. me and tom talked more about sex last night and some other random stuff. he said hes only had 5 sex partners and that he lost his virginity at 18. funny enough he also claims to be less than educated with regards to certain sex stuff. as i was snooping i found a guide to giving good cunnilingus and the cosmo kama sutra. thats kind of funny you have to admit yo. but yeah i am wary. how do you talk about things and ask questions without sounding like that girl. you know, That Girl. i dont want to be the fucking spanish inquisiton yo. yet at the same time questions should be asked. its all a sticky wicket im afraid.

and the thing is and i have to keep reminding myself of this, is that its not like ive known tom that long. it hasnt even been a week. i think i need to slow my head down quite a bit here. no need to rush into things. i do really really like tom and he seems to be very caring and considerate, yet i do still feel like i must be viligant and wary and suspicious. when will the other shoe drop??? its like the sword of damacles. i think thats the right name and i think i spelled that right. yet at the same time i also feel like it isnt healthy and sane to feel this way, all wary and stuff. i wonder if im gonna wary myself out of things. myles, my buddy at work, always says that he goes into new relationships fresh, not holding past relationships over the new persons head and not comparing them to other people. im not sure if thats wise or naive.

so yeah. im apparently fucking nutz and rude as shit. i need a shower. and i need sleep. i havent fucking slept a full 8 hours or more in forever. once my head wakes up i just cant get back to sleep. fuck me. fucker.

2 Comments:

  • EVERYBODY has a past. And until you 2 get to know each other WAY better, and have been DATING AWHILE, he could have more of a "present" than just you. Monogamy takes time sometimes, and that's OK. Lighten up, enjoy the ride (so to speak), & quit driving yourself nuts!

    By Blogger Tug, at 8:01 AM  

  • P.S. And I totally DISAGREE with the whole "find a new man" theory. You need to find YOU & like YOU before you'll be happy with ANYONE else. seriously. I've lived it.

    By Blogger Tug, at 7:43 PM  

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