Truly Disappointing

Friday, May 05, 2006

The Mother Theresa Code

ugh for the last couple days i have been helping my friend amy paint her dining room. i hate painting. plus the color yellow we got was more YELLOW than we wanted. ah the things you do for friends, right?

so yes, the phonecall. i did call tara and she called me back. shes in the army too in texas. she met raiden in 2003 while she was still in college. he helped her rotc class out or something. they dated for like 8 months. they went on a 4 day weekend before he got shipped out. apparently he told her later he was going to propose to her on the trip but chickened out. anyways, they get back from the trip and he disappears. there was no word from him until last year. tara of course got sucked back in. he emailed her like every few weeks and told her he would be at her door in december when he got back home. he disappeared again. tara waited and waited and nothing. she finally let him know she was done and now shes with another guy shes crazy about.

basically she explained how raiden is very fucked up from his deployments. he had post traumatic stress disorder from a previous deployment. he would shake at night when he tried to sleep and would have nightmares. tara said at one point after a deployment he did cocaine for two months to try and deal. then after another deployment he drank a bunch. she spoke to some of the guys who served under him and apparently they would follow him anywhere but things changed. the group he was put in charge of had 40 fatalities before he came along. after he took charge they had 5. they saw the worst of things in ramadi. it was implied to tara however that a lot of the guys dont trust him anymore because he was bending the rules of engagement, meaning, he was killing people maybe he shouldnt.

tara says that the war has just changed him. he was a respectful guy who was very caring and attentive and she said from what i said about how he was during our dates and such that that wasnt the carl (raiden's real name) she knew. she thinks his time as a sniper and the accidents hes been hurt in and the fact that hes had good friends get killed and the fact that hes killed a ton of people has changed him. she thinks hes still in war survival mode and just pushes people away and thinks they are a distraction to his survival. she thinks he needs help or else something is going to happen to him or to someone he does something to.

tara also confirmed the marriage and annulment. the girl was a friend of his sister's. she confirmed the accidents hes been hurt in. she confirmed everything basically as being true. the thing that sucks about our conversation is that i really just wanted to hate him and chalk him up as just a total asshole. and i know kt will think im making excuses but dudes fucked up because of his war experiences. doesnt make being a dick and treating people shitty right. but the whole thing just makes me really sad. on the other hand, its not like i see serial killer dudes and think wow isnt it sad how they were probably great kids and then something happened and now theyre fucked up, so why do it here with raiden? hes fucked up, period. probably a lost cause. he hasnt really looked for help and probably never will. he is as he is.

its the mother theresa impulse im fighting. i have got to figure out why i have this drive to help. to fucking go out of my way to help. for no real reason. it even goes back to my regression. remember kt how i told the lady about me being in a field and then there was this little boy and i knew i had to help him but i didnt know why or how or who he was. this is a theme and i have to crack it. the fucking mother theresa code. fuck.

its like an advance in science that was meant for good but is now used for evil. helping is noble and good, but in my hands its evil and rotting and self-destructive. shit. i have got to figure this out. this is a serious issue for me and i have to resolve it in one way or another.

i have got to crack this mother theresa code.


  • OMG. This is insane. i just got this link from my sister in law who found it I dont know how. Please email me about raiden/carl. I need to talk to you privately.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:52 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home