Truly Disappointing

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Like MacArthur.....

yes, im back after a brief hiatus. i also have word from daniel. hes still alive and currently in virginia for his new job. he may be moving there but he doesnt know yet. hes hitting quarter life crisis too. how funny.

so yeah, hmmm, where to start? i guess a quick cliffs notes version first. tom, buh-bye. had severe catholic sex issues he just couldnt fucking admit to plus he was immature and couldnt take personal responsibility for his choices and actions. go be with jesus or something please. not my thing, i like being physical and i dont feel too guilty about it usually. and im not a ho for liking to be physical. im going to hell for so many other things, really.

met another guy, craig, but we're just friends. hes a positive guy and is encouraging me to write. he may well have named my first book of essays as well. hes got good points of view on things and has gotten me thinking about a lot of stuff in a different way.

as for my therapist, we are moving along. im seeing her once a week now and im still on meds. i go back to meds lady tomorrow for an update. i wonder if its the meds that are keeping me from staying asleep. i cant sleep lengthy hours like i used to, dammit. but yeah, therapist lady is getting me to see things from a different angle. shes also teaching me to reframe my thoughts so as to slowly change them. i gotta say its fucking hard and sometimes seems slightly goofy and stewart smalley-ish, but im trying. she basically says you gotta fake it to make it sometimes, meaning, you have to get through the rough patch of rethinking things and feeling weird and awkward about it to get to the point where you really start believing it. im trying to remember its about the journey and not the destination.

as for looking for work, my interview with suwanee went well and they gave me an initial job offer. i turned my background packet in yesterday and rode along with one of their guys. the people i met were cool and i actually had a fun time. it seems like a good and healthy place to work. i have my fingers crossed. i also have an interview with duluth tomorrow though i have heard nasty things about them. but hey im out there tryin.

as for kt, well, kts kt. for those not in the know, she sent me a dear susan email basically. i have to say that i disagree with many things she said in the email which of course pissed me off. but hey if she needs to go off then go. my therapist thinks we enable each other with regards to certain things and i think shes right, so time apart is good. it will hopefully help us stop replaying the cycle we get into. and yeah, i dont need to prove jack to kt or to anybody else. thats a bad habit i have to overcome. and i also refuse to put my life on hold while i fix myself. part of fixing myself is applying the things i have learned. im not gonna stop meeting people and living life. all i can do is hope that i will react differently and think differently with new situations and opportunities. i have to stop being a people pleaser! its like psychological practical exercises. so no, i dont apologize for dating tom. he actually helped me realize that you know what, its not always me! it was funny when i realized that but its true. people are fucked up and its not always my "fault" if things dont work out like i used to always think. and he made me realize that at least im aware of my issues and im trying to fix them. some people dont even have a clue. so there was a lesson there, that and i need to stick to my guns and please me first. ive been making some good progress and im hopeful.

so yeah, thats whats been going on so far. im still tooling along trying to get healthy and happy and content. not an easy thing but im trying. im also trying to catch up on my tivo programs. im not usually this far behind. time to fire up tivo before my usual thursday night shows come on. its cliffhanger month it seems. but hey, the closer is coming back soon so i will have plenty to watch come summer. yippee!!!

3 Comments:

  • welcome back! Sounds like you're making progress - GREAT to hear!!

    By Blogger Tug, at 9:46 PM  

  • I'm so happy you posted. Sounds like you are doing well - YEAH! Keep up the hard work - it sounds like it is paying off. Keep posting....we've missed you.

    By Blogger Cooth, at 9:09 AM  

  • P.S. I can only assume "OHMYGOD SWEETJESUS" during sex didn't do it for Tom or absolve him of his guilt? just checkin'.....

    By Blogger Tug, at 7:47 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home