Truly Disappointing

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I Think Its Time To Climb Down Off The Cross Yo

you guys are so gonna get a kick out of this one. what a doosie. so anyways, im talking to kt on the phone last night when my caller thingy beeps. i dont recognize the number so i click over. and its raiden. after dumping me and two weeks of in between he calls. he starts telling me the same bullshit of it wasnt me and it wasnt another girl and hes just messed up and cant be with anybody etc. i try to have a conversation with him when we get disconnected. i recall and leave a message and he never calls back.

so yeah im in a tizzy. i was like what the fuck. so anyways, i write another of my famous emails. i go to my therapist today and discuss the whole deal and after i leave i get a bug up my ass. id been thinking about raiden all night and he wasnt responding so i decided i would go down to columbus. if nothing else i would get my tupperware back. so i drive down there. his car is there. i knock on the door. i hear voices. he opens it, i see a woman inside. he sees me and the funniest expression came over his face. i had texted him i was coming but maybe he didnt get them. oh well. lol! so he looks at me in panic and closes the door, leaving me standing outside. dude, at the time it was befuddling but afterwards its fucking hilarious. so i stand there for a second and then knock again. raiden answers again and i say can i at least get my tupperware. he says yes, gets it, and comes outside with it.

i take it and say whats up and whos that? he just looks at me all panicy. i say dude you dont have to lie to me. he asked if we could talk about it later and i said i didnt think that was a good idea because i doubted he would ever explain anything. he then said well i told you i was fucked up and i have nothing else to say. so he went inside and that was it. i opened the tupperware and i swear i dont think he ate one fucking cookie i made for him. so i dumped the cookies next to his car door and left.

yeah it was a stupid fucking impulsive thing to do to go down to columbus but you know it was good. id rather know for sure hes nutz, not that i needed more proof. when somebody tells you theyre fucked up, fucking believe them. i dont wanna be the mother theresa of dudes with mental leprosy anymore. i am choosing to stop doing that and will do my best to avoid it in the future. and in the spirit of that choice i texted garrett and told him i didnt want to be that girl who hung around waiting for a dude who doesnt really want her. erase and erase. buh-bye.

i can choose to be miserable or i can choose to be happy. ive chosen miserable now for ages and its not really workin all that well. so im gonna try the other side of the coin. yeah im sure ill falter here and there but i have to at least try. i do not need the drama, i have chosen it. i can unchoose it too. i have chosen to put myself second behind undeserving fuckers, i can unchoose that too. i deserve more than i am allowing myself to have and thats just plain fucking silly. now i need to figure out why i put myself second and we'll be cooking with gas. needless to say i will be discussing this further with my therapist. im sure she will be amused at this particular story. seriously, it was a kodak moment. lol!

but it was a learning experience and i have to stop flogging myself for making mistakes. mistakes are good, mistakes mean i have another chance to learn and grow. i may be growing slowly with regards to this saviour complex of mine but im inching forward bit by bit. im aware and im trying. im glad its done with raiden and garrett. its a relief. and im not upset either like i wouldve been before. its not about me sucking or not being good enough. its about them not being good enough for me and me finally seeing that fact. perhaps a little late but we all have our own paths to walk.

maybe once i get myself in a better healthier place i will attract healthier people. though in reverse i hope that me attracting apparent sociopaths doesnt mean im a sociopath! lol! i think it was oprah or one of her cronies that said something like you get back the energy you put out into the world. my energy has been kinda fucked up for a while and thats what ive been getting back in return. i have a fucked up energy fuckin tan yo ive been bathing in it so long. so not cool yo.

so yeah. normally i would say yep thats my life, all fucked up, but im gonna refrain from saying that because it doesnt have to be my life. i dont want it to be my life anymore. it is not my fate or my destiny. its my choice.

vote no for fucked up lives in 2006 yo!


  • AWESOME to hear! YEA. FOR . YOU.

    By Blogger Tug, at 7:41 PM  

  • Yep.

    I'm glad you finalize realize that you deserve better than what you've been choosing for yourself. I've been telling you for YEARS that you deserve better. I mean, do you really think I'd be friends with a fucked-up loser? NO. Duh.

    You're like Missouri. But I'm glad you saw what you needed to see.

    By Blogger kT, at 7:22 AM  

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