Truly Disappointing

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Alive Yet Dead Inside

i just dont know what to do anymore. ive just about hit bottom recently and it feels like theres no way out of the hole. ive been here before many years ago. i recognize it and i fear it. ive cried more in the last few days than i have in months and i seem to have very little control over it. i seem to be mourning so many aspects of my life. i feel so completely dark and hopeless. i feel like i am a failure, that i can never escape the taint of failure. i have failed in my job. i feel as if my mistakes will keep me from escaping a place that has been killing me for 4 years. if i cannot escape and escape on my terms i will die.

i mourn all of my choices as i feel as if they have all been wrong, so completely wrong. i mourn me because i feel as if i am completely useless and without value. i feel so empty and utterly alone. i have tried reaching out to friends and i feel as if most of them say or do the bare minimum. ultimately i am mine alone. i want to reach out to someone who can just hold me and tell me it will all be ok and who can make me feel safe, but i dont think that person exists in my life right now. i want to reach out to raiden, but alas, i doubt he is reliable and i presume he would freak. i mourn that person i wanted him to be and who i thought he was. i mourn the tupperware i will probably never see again.

i feel backed into a corner, optionless. thats never a good feeling. when you see no options, you see no hope. right now i see no hope. without hope there is only death. if only i was brave enough to do it, to just do it. but i fear for my cats and i fear me messing it up royally and ending up more fucked up than i already am. i need help desperately, but i feel like i am reaching out into nothingness for help that will never come.

i have an appointment with someone on tuesday and i am trying to keep things together until then, but what happens afterwards? and what happens next week and next month? will the hope ever come back like it did before? or is this a spiral i can never recover from? part of me really just wants to be sent someplace where i can just exist, even if just barely, even if in some kind of fog. it would be so easy to be alive yet dead inside. then again right now i am alive yet dead inside and look how hard it is.

i just dont know what to do. i really need help.

2 Comments:

  • Get the help you need. That's what Tuesday is about. It's a start -- small steps and all that.

    The problem, for your friends, is that we can only do so much. I can't fix it; if I could, I would.

    You've been Here before. You've also come out of Here before and life did go on with hope restored. Rinse and repeat. And you know where I am if you need me.

    By Blogger kT, at 10:00 AM  

  • just always remember you CAN come out of it, you have before (per you & kT - I really don't know). HANG TOUGH. Sometimes the world can suck, but it always comes through & things are good. Sometimes REALLY good. Bottom line, as with everything in your life, is it's up to YOU. And YOU can do it. Life is part what you make it, part what's thrown at you & what you DO with it, & part of it you have absolutely no control. You just have to let life happen sometimes, & know that it WILL be O.K. Hang in there....

    By Blogger Tug, at 7:53 PM  

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