Truly Disappointing

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Exposing Ourselves

hmmm, well, all or nothing? well id quote that billy joel song but alas im the only one who knows it so its wasted time. sure, we dont and cant expose every little thing about ourselves. we all have private things such as our true thoughts on that sweater she wore or that embarassing thing he said or whatever. however, theres a point when holding back is being emotionally dishonest. we all reach a point with people where we have to expose ourselves. through that exposure we grow in our relationships. be it the first time we say i love you or the first time we talk about an embarassing secret with someone. but its by exposing ourselves that we build trust with people. its like an ill show you mine you show me yours kinda thing.

shit, im not really one to talk much because i do my share of hiding, i just choose a different method. i throw out a bunch of chaff of nuttiness and shock and awe to distract from the fact that im often not comfortable in my own skin. but there comes a time when i have to drop the act and just accept. those are hard times, but they must come in every relationship or else it just wont work. its all about communication and trust. if you dont trust someone enough to communicate your true self then you shouldnt be with that person. and if you hesitate to open up and communicate your true self with people because youre afraid of getting hurt then youre a fool. everyone gets hurt, you cant avoid it unless you become a shutin.

and i dont know why kt keeps herself corseted. and it is like being corseted. i think only she really knows the reason. perhaps its the ultimate way to keep control. opening yourself gives other people an amount of control. i know all about control issues myself. lol! ultimately it comes down to fear. to quote dune, "fear is the mindkiller." and thats really true. think of all the things we dont do or things we do differently because of one fear or another. its nutz. fear rules all of our lives.

at this point it seems like kt is afraid of this thing with dino boy aka brad (i giggle every time i call him brad) turning out like other shitty past relationships. but one can never know until one tries. and if you go out and think its gonna be bad it will be. but it comes down to being ready and if kts not ready well then i guess shes not ready. but i think shes more ready than she gives herself credit for, shes just afraid. and thats ok. a gal like me whos gotten kicked in the gut and stabbed through the heart as many times as i have tends to build up a higher pain threshold. practice makes perfect right? lol!

so yeah whatever. we gotta keep muddling. relationships are the most important thing to me in my life. my friendships, etc are why i bother to hang around this shithole planet. and so thats why ill "gamble everything for love" (thanks ben lee!) because i see the possible reward as being valuable enough despite the chances of busting. everyone has a price they wont pay. my price is higher than most i guess.

as for my "love life" i got an email from dave the vet tech. he apologized for missing sunday. said he was asleep after a long overnight shift at the vet clinic. he seemed sincere in that he asked to make it up to me, but we shall see. we're hitting a comedy club maybe on sunday. im taking it slow.

and i soooo wanna know how v day went for kt. litmus test central yo!

as for exes, yes, my ex, andy, contacted me in regards to our dog, hudson. seems that andy is just too self-absorbed to continue to be responsible for hudson so hes getting rid of him. i find this highly upsetting and rude. you cant just dump your dog when he stops being fun and convenient for you. its called being an adult. and i cant take hudson because of my work schedule. i really wanna find him a good home because i feel i owe it to him and i feel responsible for him. i was his doggy mommy for a couple of years before andy took him in our split. what a fucking ass. then again he was never really all that warm and fabulous to begin with, andy that is. it would break my heart if hudson got put down because andys a dick. the world is cruel enough without shit like this going down. im so sad.

so what did s want anyways? looking to rekindle? or does he also have a dog he wants to dump too? sorry, i am very angry about this as i should rightfully be frankly.

anyways, time for gilmore girls and more curling curling curling! ah yum!


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