Truly Disappointing

Monday, February 13, 2006

Dems Da Breaks

yes i suck. i couldnt sleep. my mind was wandering. it ended up on somebody it shouldnt have. ugh. yeah an email was written. no begging or weirdness just my peace. i still have that dumbshit hollywood notion that sometimes even if timings off the first time it can be right another time. somehow i seriously doubt that, but i felt i needed to communicate that. yes, i already admitted i suck.

it all started because i was thinking about connections. how you somehow have strong emotional connections to some people, less so with others, and in some cases none at all. i dont know why that is. what makes one person more important to you for no reason over someone else? i dont know. and i think its that mystery about the whole connections thing that compelled me to write that email. im very stubborn and i dont like giving up on things. its that german in me. and even though i know right now that the shit aint right, i still believe that connection was something and may be something down the road when the shit is right. yes, im sure its naive and stupid.

and its not like im waiting around for anything. though i wouldnt mind that surprise email or phone call months down the line or whatever when i least expect it and when he doesnt come into my mind anymore. though frankly i doubt that will ever come. i just didnt want to close that door until i told him my peace. i dont believe theres anything wrong with communication. and after having been kamikazied i think it only fair that i be accorded my peace when i can think clearly and have perspective.

but yeah, it still doesnt stop me from feeling slightly tooly about it because i know what kt will say. its just that i apparently have more of a phantom limb syndrome in these cases than she does. and sometimes i just have to indulge slightly. and if writing the email will help me get to sleep tonight then it was worth it. damn, im gonna be tired tomorrow getting up before noon, but dems da breaks i guess.

i really liked the connection i felt with him. but dems da breaks too. so is life.....

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