Truly Disappointing

Thursday, January 26, 2006

What am I afraid of?

I just can't fathom what the heck holds me back. I've already revealed that I'm boring, so why not just put it all out there? I wanna write cool stuff on here like kt and susan. I've gotten "shy" on the message board I frequent. Turned into quite the lurker, when I really, really want to chat and be one of the crowd. I like to chat on-line, but I'm on-line alot at work, so talking dirty isn't an option. Besides, I really don't want to talk dirty to a stranger. I just want to talk. I want to reach out and chat somebody. I've even dug up a few profiles of people who are online and I would like to chat with, but I'm always afraid to make that first move.

Why is that the only guys who seem to want to chat with me are 25 years old? Do I really appear to be that desperate? Or do they just have some mis-guided notion that all 45 year old women want to find some young stud to do them? I guess maybe I'm just an old prude, but I want a relationship. One with a capital R. I've been married. I've dated. I've had LTR's. I've been in love. I've done the casual sex thing - I find it less than fulfilling. Is it really so wrong to care about the person you are exchanging bodily fluids with?

I realize that I am not beautiful on the outside. I'm working on the weight. But I can't afford the plastic surgery that would be required to turn me into Jennifer Aniston. And really, how many guys out there actually look like Brad Pitt or Vince Vaughn. Or even David Schwimmer, for that matter.... But I think, for the most part, that I am beautiful on the inside. I told myself that I was going to take a break from trying to date until April. I figure that will give me time to get some more weight watcher meetings under my belt. And maybe less of me under my belt. Get me back to working out. Get me over the issues with my son moving out. Get me back to taking care of me. But dammit - there is whole lot more to me than just fat!

Hmm.....maybe I will come out of my shell, eventually.


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