Truly Disappointing

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Truly, truly disappointing...

i gotta say, lately everything seems truly disappointing and im not totally sure why that is. perhaps this is just adulthood? or maybe im really just in purgatory being tortured by all of those things i fucked up in a previous life? im voting for the latter at the moment as im currently having a grassy knoll moment. you roll your rock up the hill and you think youve made it and then, wham, some dude comes and knocks it down the hill and youre back to square one yet you try it again and again. makes you wonder why we choose to keep rolling that rock up the hill. whats that commonly quoted crap about insanity being doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results...

ugh, i gotta say im seriously enraged. we are talkin flames flames on the sides of my face. im applying to grad school again so i needed letters of recommendation. since ive been out of school i had to get a couple of letters from people i work for in the police department. i approached a couple of people who i thought knew me personally and professionally and asked them if they could write the letters. i gave them over 6 weeks to accomplish this task before the first set of deadlines came around. well, turns out one of the guys fucked around or something and managed to wait until the last minute. the problem with this being that one of the schools i was applying to required me to collect the letters and send them in with my application. well lets see since i just got his letter today (jan 2nd) and the deadline was jan 1st it looks like that ones crossed off the list of choices. so since i wasnt going to be sending those letters in i decided to open them and read them. this of course was a very bad decision.

turns out that the late guy didnt even write a fucking letter. all he did was half-assedly fill out the coversheet form the school wanted with the letter. now i explained the procedures to him and what he needed to do (being write a fucking letter, print it out a few times and fucking staple it to the coversheets!!!). well if his letter was anything like the letter from the other guy i asked at work maybe his not sending a letter was better. this other guy wrote a letter as if he was retarded and im only slightly exaggerating. the letter had numerous errors in it and just sounded like a simpleton had written it. i dont know if he just sucks at writing letters or if he intended to screw me, but either way i am screwed. im sorry but...

THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE AND FUTURE HERE YOU ASSHOLES!!!

who does this? i mean, how can i possibly not feel completely betrayed and fucked? i feel that enough in the police dept as it is without something like this goin down. do you know how hard it is to not feel like somebody somewhere just doesnt want me to escape this place?! i dont wanna sit and feel all paranoid but its hard not to. i worked my ass off preparing for the gre and writing my statement of purpose and filling out the applications and getting all my shit straight for the deadlines and then wham these fuckers fuck me. i feel like i just cant fucking win. i actually did the work for a change, but alas it seems like work is a very small part of the overall equation. and i wonder why i have recurrent trust issues...

i just dont know what to do any longer. im so in a tizzy all the time about work and my future and some really serious fucking questions about life and i just cant make heads nor tails of all of it. im just so tired of all the crying and confusion. the more time that passes the more distant i feel from people. i used to be so connected with people and i craved those connections, but now i seem to just retreat inward and its starting to get pathological. i guess i feel like if its me that betrays myself i only have myself to blame and its not so much a surprise as when somebody outside does it to you. emotional suicide definently sounds better to me than emotional murder.

and to think, the other day i was writing an email to someone and i was telling them that the usual sense of forboding i get when new years comes calling hadnt yet come along. i told him that it seemed like this year might actually be kinda ok. and yeah, it may still, but shit, i already feel two strikes down.

yes, moz, people can be truly truly disappointing...

2 Comments:

  • And you know what snooping gets you. Never anything good.

    By Blogger kT, at 5:21 PM  

  • but you know i think id rather know than go merrily along my way and never know these guys are fuckers. forewarned is forearmed right?

    By Blogger Susan, at 10:24 PM  

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