Truly Disappointing

Friday, January 06, 2006


See, Cathy? I knew you liked group things.
Daniel, the new Bond is blond. It seems wrong. I don’t know why. But then, I don’t really watch spy movies. I leave that to other people. Although I did learn how to say something about The Cook in Russian while living with Susan and her Hunt for Red October fetish. I’ve forgotten it now.
I do collect strange photos. They are useful in the blogging world. And they make me laugh. And that’s a good thing.
We’ve made the national news for a few other things lately: Senator Dorgan’s potential connection to Jack A. (lol); the fact that we’re an economically viable state; the fact that we again slipped to LAST rank in teacher pay.

But you’re right. Crime, violent, at least, is low. Property crime is HIGH. But when I forget to lock a door, I don’t freak out. There’s something refreshing about that, even if it drove Susan nuts when she visited.

Performance anxiety is an interesting phenomenon. It happens sexually, it happens when writing online where other people just might stumble across your musings, it happens in dating situations, work situations, and social situations.

My job requires me to speak publically. My audiences are generally not tough crowds and my public speaking skills are decent. I get hyped up beforehand because you really need that energy. I always feel as though I could have been better prepared, more well-spoken, more composed, and more interesting. I don’t do funny in these situations and I’m a total smart-ass normally. But I’m okay with that.

My job also requires social interaction in the form of receptions, occasional lunches, large meetings and conferences and that kind of stuff. I can force that, but have anxiety over how people perceive me. I’m a young person in a not so young state where people sometimes distrust the young people they profess to want to keep in the state (or attract to it, since I’m a transplant). But I try and feel okay about how I generally perform.

Now personal social situations are another thing entirely. When I’m not acting in my professional capacity, I feel as though I’m a less well-defined person. I know who I am when I’m completely open, being my goofy idiot true self. That’s the side that you know – well, not Daniel, since I’ve never met you. And I know who I am when I’m projecting confident professional. But I don’t always know who I am when I’m trying to meet new people. I don’t trust them enough to be open yet but I also don’t need or want to fake my confident professional self. I am not my job. So the in-between is an uncomfortable, grey, dead-man’s zone. THAT’s my performance anxiety.


  • On paper, I doubt I seemed the sort you probably thought you could be yourself with when we first met. But I'd like to believe that you were pretty much who you are that first night... mostly since that's attracted me to you in the first place :)

    It's much easier to assume a character identity when the framework is laid out for you. You know what's expected of you at a work function, and in certain other situations. Meeting people for the first time is always a toss up.

    Anyway, I suppose you might as well sign me up, seeing as how I've managed to comment already. Can't say how much I can contribute, but I'll give it the old college try.

    By Anonymous An old friend of kt's, at 2:56 PM  

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