Truly Disappointing

Saturday, January 07, 2006

That Girl

ugh, i hate being that girl. you know, that girl who has expectations yet those expectations are always too high somehow. i should know by now that i should aim low (sorry, air force). i dunno, i always have a surge of hope when potentially cool things go down and i am always disappointed in the end. thats why lately when i meet new cool guys i like i go through this phase where im googley and then i hit this phase where im wary and cynical and feel like i shouldnt be liking the guy because of all the bad potentials, but then i usually get through this phase and write it off as a woody allen type moment. but eveyone knows that in the end ill still end up screwed and somehow i just cant quite remember that fact when i start getting hopeful.

see, i hate being that girl. you know, that girl who gets nervous when the guy disappears. when the email doesnt come or the phone call or whatever. how long is too long? why hasnt he contacted me? did i do something? its all incredibly assinine. and thats why i am totally embarassed for even mentioning it, but i feel that way anyways. perhaps this is just a sign that im still not there yet, you know, really ready to deal with other people in my life. or maybe i will just always be a basketcase with regards to guys.

i just have a hard time being zen about anything. the tao of steve, dude, put a gun to my head and i still couldnt achieve it. i am so weak. i hate that fact. i hate that i am feeling like that girl right now because that girl is fucking pathetic. though the subtle murder of a thousand hopes on a daily basis starts to wear after a while.

and its not just the guy thing, its the rec letter thing. its my "future." its me being unable to get my head where it needs to be. its me having no direction. its me floating around all dumb-assed all the time. its me feeling like i just need some lucky break for a change. its me feeling trapped by life. its me feeling very alone a lot of the time. its me and my auto-pilot. its me barely holding things together all the time (a surprising change of pace in all honesty from recent years). half the time i feel tranquilized. i feel like the fire has been put out.

yet it comes back to those hopes. i rebound, i pick myself up, i make new plans. and i stumble again and again. and the hopes come back, burning just a little less brightly than before. will there come a time when the hope just burns out? what then? what do i do then? or maybe living without hope will finally be freeing. no dreams to not achieve, no expectations to fail to reach, no diasappointment.

i hate being that girl...

3 Comments:

  • And yet, Marlo Thomas would be proud.

    The big cosmic joke here is that we thought that we'd have things figured out before we turned 30.

    Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, dude.

    By Blogger kT, at 3:41 PM  

  • I see some things never change. I won't say what I'd normally say, cuz you already know what that would be :) I dunno, I guess the only reason I preach that people are in control of their own destiny is because that's what's been working for me. Sure sounds a hell of a lot better than feeling like the world dictates to you...

    By Anonymous An old friend of kt's, at 2:39 PM  

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