Truly Disappointing

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Jumblyfucked

well as for medicare and all that technical shit you spewed, i have nothing to say. if its from this govt it blows. and i know nothing about medicare. when i get older please just kill me.

as for weight loss and self-esteem, etc, shiiiiiit girly we all feel shitty about ourselves a decent amount of the time. we all have this shit in our head from hollywood that we're supposed to be beautiful and fabulous and have tons of friends and make lots of money and drink lattes. i am not kate moss. i am not mother theresa. i am not oprah fucking winfrey's money. im a huge jumblyfuck bitch. i dont particularly like my body and most people would say im not vastly overweight, but i still dislike it. i have stretch marks. i have saggy parts. i dont really have eyebrows, which bugs me to the nth degree (though i get more comments from black girls that they love them, too bad im not black...). im not all that nice lots of the time. i dont give shit money to orphans or sickly people. i hate the elderly. i hate most kids. i hate most people. i can be verbally abusive a decent amount of the time. i am racially insensitive. i am rude. im a drama junkie. im addicted to shitty emotional states. i suffer from trichotillomania which i have yet to seek help for (and this is the first time ive admitted it publicly). i am seriously fucked up about 95% of the time.

and the funny thing is that most of the time i dont know what to do about it all. how am i supposed to stop being how i am? i mean i can sit here and stewart smalley myself to death, but is that real? is that legit? am i just a shitty jumblyfuck and thats how its gonna be? i totally feel like im gonna die alone without having ever known real true passionate love. because really how could anyone ever want to love all the shitty things i am? i dont love myself most of the time so how could anyone else?

i am scared to death of abandonment. yet somehow im ever on the abandonment merry-go-round. see garrett come see garrett go, no explainations, nada. i really liked him and was hoping things would be cool. i was excited. i liked it when he called and left goofy messages. i liked his sexy. bearclaw says i just need to calm down and trust, but 5 days sans contact is wack especially if he was calling daily. im not emailing again, im not calling again. he got an email, a voicemail, and a call without a message. thats enough. fuck him. and i knew this would come when he didnt come last saturday. ive been down this road before, the abandonment merry-go-round. im the fucking amazing kreskin of abandonment.

and now i have this date with army boy 3 tomorrow. im very uncaring about it. i barely know this dude. whatever. and then theres jenni, the lesbian, who begs me to not go to sleep at night and to keep chatting. its to the point of being annoying and rude. whats it with me and needy lesbians? im fucking exhausted. ive tried every strategy, caring a lot, caring not at all, caring kinda. being available, being unavailable, just being. none of it works. people come, people go. hopes come, hopes go.

and honestly, i get so jealous of kt sometimes because it seems to come so easily for her. boys would pay to hop into her lap. and the funny thing is that she doesnt always seem to want them. its one long-term relationship after another. i havent had a legit relationship since andy, the first dude i really had a relationship with. that was 6 years ago. jesus h christ. i have more tools in my arsenal now, ive grown up a lot, im ready to take the challenge, the nestea plunge. come on!!! im fucking here! hello! when will it be my turn???

and im glad for kt. hopefully dino-boy will be cool and things will go well. i just wish i had a little taste of the same for a change. i just want easy. i need an easy button yo. but then again it seems as if my life is just meant to be hard. it was hard from childhood and has not stopped being hard. sure, not like famine in africa hard or coal miner hard, but pretty hard nonetheless. ive spent most of my life alone. when i was young i was alone most of the time. after over 20 years of remembered alone-ness, im getting very anxious for not alone-ness. alone takes a toll and im beginning to think the toll is much higher than id ever thought.

so yes cathy we are all seriously jumblyfucked. i feel ya, i really really do. and how to get through it and feel all hollywood and fabulous, i have no fucking clue. i dont think even dr. phil has a good solution for this funk malaise we're having right now.

a few years ago this mood would have had me talking about just hopping off this mortal coil, seriously. i wasted a whole year of my life like that. somehow ive managed to gain the skills i need to keep from retreating to that windowless room and snuggling up with my sadness. but i gotta say sometimes its very tempting to knock on that door and want to walk in and just die inside and shut down. sometimes im not sure how i keep myself from doing that. and i dont fucking know how im gonna keep going feeling like this.

i just want a fucking break. i just need some goddamned luck. i just dont wanna be alone anymore.

how can i possibly fix something that is so seemingly irretrievably broken???

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