Truly Disappointing

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Join the Mundane Parade

cathy, dude, youre not boring, youre normal. ive been realizing that im more like everyone else than id hoped. lol. those crazy hollywood expectations, of lots of hip friends, living in a hip apt, and all that hip shit are sooo totally unrealistic. everybody is allegedly dull. at least you have a hobby, shit i dont even have that. i collect squat. very cute creamer btw, does it look like the kitty's vomiting milk? very groovy. lol! i dont knit like kt, i dont sew, quilt, cook, collect stamps, i do nothing other than watch tv and obsess over tv shows. and write here and read, but thats it. i have some friends but theyre far from hip and i dont see them very often. my apt isnt very hip with the kitty vomit and piss and the garbage bags i refuse to take out to the trash on a regular basis. lol! and by some estimations i could be considered a veritable shut-in. at least i havent taken to pissing in bottles and storing them a la howard hughes. i mean, i fucking meet people on the internet because i dont ever leave the house except for work and you dont wanna meet people at work in my kinda work, ya know? lol!

and damn it, i blame hollywood for all of these expectations. i grew up practically being nursed by tv. i learned about the world and life and love from tv. its all fake. and what a realization that was. there are no whirlwind romances, nothing is meant to be, you are not special and cool and destined for greatness. we are all just ordinary. and that sucks but its true. and i think the sooner i get that into my head the better i will be because i still irrationally cling to that whole hollywood thing sometimes. especially when it comes to romance. ugh, thats the killer of me.

i recently saw brokeback mountain. it was good. but damn if it didnt play into that romancy part of me. that whole true love thing. struggling through adversity for true love and all that jazz. to so totally burn for another person, man i dream of shit like that. but its all fake. its all fucking lies. theres no burning in love! love is just a fiction. love is just a chemical reaction and a whole shitload of luck. and sometimes i wonder whether love is even real. movies like this, though the man-love was so so hot, only serve to place false hopes into people. and as i mentioned before, hope can really kill ya.

so yeah, here i am, all average and alone. still desperately searching for the special out there that im beginning to think is extinct. but damn it, every once in a while i think i catch a glimpse of it, but then there it goes, and i dont know whether i saw anything or just imagined it. damn how i wish i was truly dead inside! lol! as funny and assinine as that sounds, it seems like things would be so much easier that way. or maybe the grass is just greener.

and no, military boy has not contacted me and though id like to say that it doesnt still bug me, it does. and maybe will for a while. but whatever, ill get over it. ill close off some and then meet another person maybe and ill open up again. and probably go through the same old crap again and again. but thats life i suppose. a parade of the mundane.

and btw, lorelai's wedding dress on gilmore girls makes her look fat. its not perfect, its ugly as shit. seriously people, quit ruining a good show. geez...


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