Truly Disappointing

Saturday, January 28, 2006

I second (third, and fourth) that.

Ja. Jumblyfucked. I like that. It's apropos.

Let's see. Most people seem to think I should have no body issues. I'm not Kate Moss (even before the drugs), but I don't have a weight problem. I did, once, but it was under, not over. But the thing is, we market insecurity as though it's a valuable commodity here in Amurikah. I have days where I hate the physical me as much as possible without mutilating myself. I know that it's different than having fat issues. I know that. But I'm no paragon o' beauty either.

And the boy thing -- I don't really have it easy. I just don't date a whole hell of a lot, so there's not a lot of instant screw-up moments. When I find somebody worth pursuing, sometimes I manage to pursue (or project "come hither," whichever.) I do, admittedly, have a way of finding commitment-minded men. Always have. Unfortunately? I am not commitment-minded. Not really. I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't really hold with marriage. I don't want kids and I think pickett fences are an aesthetic abomination. I want good committed friendships with sex that I can parlay into friendships without physical contact when the self-centered *I* inevitably gets bored. It's not that relationships are inherently boring, it's just that I'm a bitch when I start to take things for granted. I don't know why that happens -- I don't take my friends for granted, but at some point, I begin to take Relationships for granted. And I fuck them up.

Last time around, it's more that I chose unwisely. He was a decent guy, and probably good for a short-term fling, but the instant I tried to extend that "into the future" things began to go downhill. There was way too much baggage on his side for me to deal with effectively.

I think it boils down to the image I project. I can do self-confident woman of the world VERY well sometimes. But it's a ways from the inner reality. I have enough insecurities and enough denial about them to cause issues in my head.

I do make poor choices. And I try to make them work. You remember the whole dating scenario when we met, right Susan? Ugh. And Cathy, remember the LD Relationship I was desperately holding onto when I started here? I'm an idiot some days.

Oh, hey, since we're discussing relationships (and since Susan didn't bother to call me back yet): My brother's getting married, supposedly, sometime this year. She's legal, at least, but recently divorced with a 3 year old daughter and they all currently live with her parents. He's 27. She's 25. Oh, and they've been dating since the week before Thanksgiving. So.....9 weeks?? Yeah, that's going to go well.

(And just for the record, blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize "fuck." It suggests Fiji.)


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