Truly Disappointing

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Human Toll

mmmmmm boys. i recently met a boy online. roll your eyes as much as you want, at least im making an effort. i think hes incredibly hot. hes got amazing green eyes, oh the piercing green eyes, and his lips are to die for, so supple and kissable. plus he packs on a bunch of whoop ass every day in iraq and i think that makes him even hotter. what a patriot! lol! hes from minnesoooo-taaahh. from a farm actually. mmmm farm boy fantasies. hes educated, got a degree from some school in north dakooo-taaah actually in some farming subject, i forget. he says hes good with his hands.....oh i hope so! he seems like a still waters run deep kinda guy and that intrigues me. course you never really know until you meet somebody, but its been a while since ive been googley over a guy and its kinda nice to know i still can be. i figure i can at least enjoy this fun part even if it doesnt end up going anywhere. hes coming back from iraq next week i think and that makes me glad.

i just watched a few episodes of band of brothers, an hbo show about WWII. i think it makes me like him even more, the whole military thing. plus, in a way, like we talked about some today, even though im not military i kinda get the whole military thing being a cop more than most people do. its weird, when youre in these kinda fields you do almost have a brotherhood with other cops and soldiers. until youve lived it and seen what weve seen you just cant get it. and that changes you. im sure thats only amplified when youre at war and see friends die. i kinda feel a kinship with him because of this. i mean, and i didnt get this until i was a cop and then it had to be explained to me (guess i was slow at first), but what we cops say to each other when we say goodbye is "be safe." i never much thought about it too intently but now it really hits me with its poignancy. despite us going out there and seemingly ignoring the dangers, we really are very aware of it every day. and every day could be the last for any of us. and until youre put in that situation and see people die in front of you you just cant get it, not in the same way i dont think. and every time i chat with him, when its time to say goodbye i always tell him to be safe and i sincerely hope he is.

its funny, i dont think we really understand about the soldiers over there, tv and the news certainly dont show us the real side, the human side, the i just wanna make it through another day safely side. and i guess id never much thought about it until i met someone who was over there living it. its really sad, the toll it must take on these young kids over there, having to grow up so fast and deal with things nobody should ever have to deal with. as a cop i havent seen a fraction of what they mustve seen but ive already been permanently changed from what i have seen. the change scares me sometimes. im afraid for those soldiers coming back to regular life and how hard it may be for them. i dont think people think about that much and thats sad. the human toll as they call it, its all very sad. i wish more people thought about it. i wish more people cared.

i didnt intend this post to be so morbid, i really didnt, but it kinda turned into a more thoughtful thing i guess. i dont feel so bad about starting to really like this army boy because its me living in the moment. its me enjoying his company while i have it and vice versa. even if nothing happens with him and we go our seperate ways, at least i took his mind off the horrors of war for a while and that makes me happy. it makes me feel like i really did something for somebody. i think more people should send packages to the soldiers even if they dont know one personally. i think more people should write and send pictures to them because i learned today that it really does matter, it really does help them get through another day. its amazing how hope and the anticipation of hearing from a friend or loved one keeps a person going in tough times, how our human connections keep us connected to life.

army boy seems like a very kind and gentle soul and even though i dont know him well right now, i worry about his human toll. but then again i guess life itself leaves us all with a human toll in one way or another.

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