Truly Disappointing

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Feeling Like a Princess Perched in Her Electric Chair

wow, so all of you are seriously saying that i need to be patient with soldier guy because hes probably busy? ok, see, if i had pulled that one out myself i wouldve been ridiculed and told, dont make excuses for him being rude. you people fucking confuse me sometimes. and yes, as of the other day he was in iraq, and then kuwait as far as i understand, but as of today hes supposed to be back in savannah. and yes, im sure hes busy doing soldiery things and traveling and all that jazz. i dunno, im just not getting a good vibe here. i wrote him a brief email the other day and dropped the digits for when he gets back home. if he elects not to use them then i guess this mystery will be solved. or maybe all of this goes not to the "he's just not that into you" vibe, but my lack of confidence in my ability to successfully woo men. lol.

as for polygamy, dude, its so the church. sex is bad. except for makin babies. thus sex with multiple women is bad. except for makin babies...and who wants that many babies? is it not the whole sodom and gamorrah thing yo? i mean, it was the church who downplayed the role of women in the new testament (mary was so jesus' right hand woman and not a whore) and who has continued to royally fuck just about everyone except for rich white men (hmmm sounds like republicans doesnt it?!) so i would not be surprised if the church was the one who put the official ix-nay on the olygamy-pay. plus really, who wants all that drama, i mean really? and isnt it tough enough to find one woman to love and who loves you let alone 12? unless by polygamy you mean just fucking lots of women and then i believe the official name for that is man-whoring.

perhaps i should consult first but i thought polygamy was the whole marrying many women and not just fucking them. in that instance it would suggest that polygamy involves the love and romance of a man with multiple women, or perhaps my views of marriage are quite naive. shit people these days cant make one marriage work half the time let alone 12, so why should we really encourage that? what i think we should encourage maybe is a modified marriage, perhaps for shorter periods of time other than forever...forever can be a daunting thing now cant it and doesnt that put immense amounts of pressure on people? maybe if people agreed to marry for 2 years or 5 years and then have the option of staying together for more time after that things would work out better? who knows...

and the whole chivalry thing, that was all about a woman's chastity, not about the woman, not really. yet another way to objectify women and control them by making their cunts a thing of value. hey look, this cow hasnt been used yet, its still fresh, prime grade A beef my friends...

(after a couple hours tv break...)

you know, i think ive had a revelation...and im not sure where it comes from. im beginning to wonder if i am actually commitment phobic. i seem to have this driving need to escape, to run off to bigger and better things. ive been looking for the door at my job practically since ive been here, applying here, applying there. ive always said that ive always felt like ive been striving for something, always moving from one accomplishment to another to another without ever feeling like ive really accomplished anything at all. i always knew i was very goal oriented versus being process oriented, but now im really beginning to wonder. im also beginning to think about staying here with the dept and making a real go of it. am i finally settling down or merely settling?

my trip home over the xmas holidays really scared me. this whole psychology thing, which has pretty much been torpedoed of late, seems to come down to me most likely ending up back in pensacola and going to school there, thats my best shot at getting accepted into a program. but the thought of moving home terrified me. i realized, i like my apt, i like my alleged life, i do not want to move back from whence i came. i also dont really feel like starting over...again.

ive been putting off everything for many years now. i havent bought a house or bought something equivalent because i was always waiting to hear about something new i had applied to. i dont always seek out male company because i think, well im going to be leaving in the next year so why bother. ive been on hold now for almost 4 years. i havent written anything substantial because im waiting for that magical inspiration to rear its head. for someone who is so friggin impatient, why have i been standing in line for so long??

is it because deep down inside i dont really feel like i deserve it? is that why i havent met someone special yet? because i dont feel like i deserve it? is it why i havent gone out and lived my life? because i dont feel like i deserve it? im feeling an elton moment coming on...

when are you gonna come down?
when are you going to learn?
i shoulda stayed on the farm
i shoulda listened to my old man.
you know you cant hold me forever
i didnt sign up for you.
im not a present for your friends to open
this boy's too young to be singin the blues...
so goodbye yellow brick road.

have i been on the lam from life this whole time? is my face on some post office wanted poster as being guilty of chickening out on life? its so easy to run away from adversity and to start fresh somewhere else, but is that really being an adult? shouldnt i stop and take a stand for a change? shouldnt i make lemonade from these alleged lemons?

is this growing up...realizing when you have to stop running?

'cause if you look at my sister for example, she has never been satisfied. i always tell her to go out there and grab what she wants but she never does. she keeps trying to figure out what she wants her life to be yet it never seems like she figures anything out. she has flitted from one job to another to another and one degree to another to another. im beginning to see a pattern. and im beginning to see that pattern in me. i do not like what i see.

so what do i do? is this clarity or more obfuscation? im just tired of feeling like i live in the witness protection program, change my name, my identity, run from town to town. i think its time to stop planning the next move. i think its time to stop running. i think its time to start being...and accepting it. its time to start accepting me...the good, the bad, and the fucking pathetic...cause its all me, its all him, its all her, its all everyone...and thats ok. thats life.


  • Now you know the path you have to take, and knowing is half the battle. GI JOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That *never* gets old. Seriously, knowing the path is only half the battle. TAKING the path is the really hard part.

    By Anonymous Mark, at 11:01 AM  

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