Truly Disappointing

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Do-Over!!!

Huge Disclaimer: after writing this post i went out and googled born-again virgins and the associated movement. i am in no way talking about or espousing this right-wing, nut-o christian, anti-sex, anti-abortion (and even anti-masturbation- "masturbation undermines good character...") group of freaks and uneducated bible-thumpers. being the post-modern gal i am i have taken their idea and re-worked it to work for me. i am in no way "saving myself" for marriage, but am merely moving on from past bad experiences and trying to regain the mindest that sex is a joyous activity, though not necessarily to be taken lightly (not that i ever did that). if god smites me then so be it.



ok, as many of you may not know i have not had sexual intercourse for about three years, give or take. and because im not a guy who is flooded with testosterone all day long its not that big of a deal for me really. i dont feel as if im gonna die or my parts are gonna shrivel up and fall off because of it. thats the reaction i get from guys when they find out about my hiatus (so to speak), they all seem like not having sex is the equivalent to being tortured by the viet cong or something. well its not, but i do gotta say that it doesnt help the emotional aspect of being a sexual being. its kinda like not having exercised in a while but deciding to try again and then not bothering becuase you just dont wanna deal with the pain and feelings of failure that inevitably come with beginning a new exercise program. not having had sex for several years has embued me with a slight performance anxiety which of course makes me feel like a tool.

of course the performance anxiety doesnt just come from long years of abstinence, but from prior frankly shitty sexual experiences with frankly shitty people. ive learned a bunch about what is ok and not ok with me with regards to sex, though sometimes i think that knowledge has also made me more mindful of the whole issue, more so than i should be, which in turn adds to the performance anxiety. and as that creepy old lady on the oxygen network, sue johannson, has said, if your head keeps saying "penis penis penis" becuase youre worrying about your penis doin its job then its not gonna. truer words hath not been spoken, thanks sue. its like my mind keeps saying "orgasm orgasm orgasm" as if if i dont orgasm im a failure which frankly is a very western way to think about the sexual act (i know you agree with me on that one, sting). thus i think i may have found an answer, as silly as it may sound...i am announcing myself as a born-again virgin (thanks kt!). please, hold the applause. fyi, i will be registered at victoria's secret if you wanna, you know, pick something up for me in celebration of this joyeaux occasion.....

now, i know many of you out there may think of the whole born-again virgin thing as being a strictly religious schtick, but i really think it has secular applications. i frankly had never much thought about the idea until tonight. honestly i had actually scoffed at the idea when it has come up on previous occasions, mostly because it seemed like a goofy jesus-y thing, and we all know we must scoff at goofy jesus-y things, but tonight something struck a chord in me. is it possible to just let go of all that sexual baggage and wipe the slate clean? i mean, not to the point where i say ive never had sex (that would just flat out be goofy and a total fabrication), but to the point where i acknowledge myself as a sexual being but see future encounters as separate and distinct from past encounters? sure, i wont forget how to kiss a man to the point that hes panting for more or fucking him til he screams with ecstacy (ok, now im just blowing my own horn...ok, and slightly exaggerating), but ill take each new experience as it cums (yeah im on a roll...). or is this born-again virgin thing better on the drawing board than in application?

the answer to that is i dont know...yet. i mean, you always hear self-help people tell you that if you think something will happen, it will, or more commonly, if you put your mind to it... so is it just a matter of mind control? of deciding to leave the junky sex behind? i think, yes, it is. because lord knows that the man on the grassy knoll aint gonna solve my sex problems now is he?! could it possibly be that easy? to be with a new love interest and to have him in your mind to the exclusion of all the emotional pollution floating about in your head? yeah, i think that if the bond and sizzle is really there with that person that perhaps that comes naturally. maybe its just a matter of me not having met a sizzle guy recently. or maybe i just need a lobotomy.

and if we all think back to when we were virgins, some more recently than others, wasnt there this amazing intensity of expectation about it? i mean, sex was magical and it was like this holy grail of wondrous fun to be someday had. i think, or rather, hope that this youthful view of sex comes with the whole born-again virgin package. wouldnt that make future sex that much better, to have the anticipation of something exciting coming instead of the dread of that shitty thing happening again? i think so. though on the other hand, if you havent had sex in a while and now youre thinking of this fabulous thing it certainly underscores the whole sex drought feeling and could start making you crazy. but you know, thats something i would happily live with if i could regain a positive and excited view about sex. plus i always have my hand or my vibe. girl knows how to take care of her own, yo.

and maybe this whole born-again thing could reach out into other areas, such as relationships. if we could all just crack out of our shells all glisteny and new and gross and go about the relationship world with new eyes every time, though with that wisdom we learned previously, wouldnt relationships be just a little bit easier? hmmm, maybe do-overs arent just a childhood thing.

dooooo-oveeeeerrrr!!!

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