Truly Disappointing

Friday, January 20, 2006

The But Situation (Or Susan's Reasons Why Not)

well, looks like me and garrett have firm tentative plans for saturday. he got a 4 day pass for this weekend so if things go well saturday could turn into sunday and monday too. which is totally cool and i hope it happens, but, but...

theres always that but isnt there? but will he like me? but will he find me sexy and funny? but will he not be disappointed? i seriously hate the first meet. the whole internet dating thing is cool except for the fact that you havent met. people can be great on paper or online or on the phone, but theres that chemical reaction missing. its one thing to meet someone out and about and ask them out or whatever, but youve got that chemical thing you can sense or not in that situation. online theres just the imagination and often times thats wrong.

of course theres always the but situation of me not digging him, but for some reason i always put the but on myself. i know, i have more work to do about self-esteem and such but dont we all to some extent. i just dont want him to have these serious high hopes and then have them crushed. of course i dont want that for myself either.

ive seriously tried to keep my imagination in line. i cant be off fantasizing all these things that arent real because reality may be much less interesting and thus i would be disappointed. i used to seriously indulge in that fantasy world in past years but have learned the hard way that thats not always healthy.

and its funny, its been a while and i feel like i almost dont know how to be on a date. its coming up on a year now since gay anorexic sheriff boy. and the theres the logistics problems. garrett mentioned that tonight. where do we meet? hes gonna be driving up from savannah for like 4 hours or whatever so its not like he just drove from downtown atlanta and we'll meet in a starbucks or something. that would be weird. hi, you just drove 4 hours to see me lets meet in a shitty coffee place. but at the same time him coming over to my apt is weird too, mostly for him i would expect. and then he needs lodging. i seriously dont mind him staying over here, but if things dont go well it would be awkward. and if he came over to my place first and it didnt work out it would be awkward for him to grab his shit and leave, ya know? but i seriously dont mind paying for a hotel for a night for him. thats only fair right?

perhaps the best way to deal with this is to just be upfront about it all. hey, nice to meet you, well shit isnt this awkward?! i dunno, perhaps im overthinking things some, that wouldnt be new now would it? but i dont wanna go on autopilot either because not thinking is just as bad. damn it, i hate the first meet. maybe things will go well. arent i supposed to be thinking positively or something dr. phil-like? but all i can think about now is danger, danger will robinson, abort, abort. thats just me being a scaredy cat, i know. but i feel like im the deer in the road who can either stand firm and face the oncoming car or hop away to possible safety. theres always a chance the car wont hit me right??

i dunno, maybe ill look back on this in a few days after the meet and laugh. i really really hope things go well. i can really use the break, seriously. ive got skillz gettin rusty yo. practice makes perfect, right?

plus im gonna be spending the next few hours cleaning my apt like a friggin maniac. things better go well if i cleaned my apt yo. lol!

but anyways, i could really use some serious chick wingman action/support here. this is the most promising thing ive run across in a while. and theres still that dumb little girl voice in my head saying maybe hes the one. if not then ill move on and thats that. but strangely enough its that possibility of success thats the scariest part of all...

1 Comments:

  • Serious Chick wingman/action support type person reporting for duty! Hope you two have a fun-filled weekend.....I'm sure he'll dig you!

    Looking forward to the full report next week.

    By Blogger Cooth, at 10:33 AM  

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